1. Tools for Building Sustainable, Healthy Relationships

2.  “I” – Who am I? What do I need? What can I ask for? How am I responsible? How should I respond? What are my patterns?  “We” - How do we stay connected? How do we challenge one another? How do we disagree?  “Larger Vision” – How do we reconcile our differences to serve a larger vision?

3.  Speaking ◦ We will speak for ourselves and not for others  the “Truth” ◦ We will speak only of our own experience ◦ We will try to speak as factually as possible  in Love ◦ We will speak honestly, with respect, and listen to understand

4. “I” statements  Speak for yourself not for others  Avoid judgments and conclusions about others  Speak from your own experience  Tell your own truth

5. ◦ Good triangles: distribute anxiety; natural phenomena ◦ Bad triangles: try to make someone else responsible who cannot fix it  “secrets”  Patterns of “stuckness”  Not about the person but the system

6. ◦ Awareness of self  Patterns of communication  What is “mine” and what is “theirs”  “Connected” as opposed to “merged”  Only one I can change is myself

7.  Avoidance - deciding not to engage in conflict  Compromise - trying to find a middle position where all parties give a little to gain  Collaboration - trying to find a solution where the needs of all parties are completely met  Competition - conflict is seen as a win-lose situation and the will to win dominates  Accommodation - appeasing the other side

8. “Climbing the Ladder” A Conclusion An Assumption A Speculation A Hunch Observable Facts

9.  Interests are the needs, desires, concerns and fears behind our positions  A position is a decision you have made, an interest is what motivates or causes your decision  Interests allow for connection; Positions polarize

10.  Listen to understand, not to think about what you should say next  Listening to understand does not demand agreement  Concentrate on the other person’s thoughts and feelings, not your own.

11.  Listen 200%: focus attention to the words behind the words  Be attentive to unconscious discounting behaviors  Validate the feelings you have heard (again, not the same as agreement)

12.  Clarify your understanding  Walk them “down the ladder”  Restate what you have heard (including feelings)  Do not judge or evaluate (yet!)

13. Respond to others creatively rather than critically ◦ Seek to affirm the merit before noting the weakness ◦ Share positive reactions before jumping to concerns, questions, or criticisms ◦ Ask clarifying questions

14. Have your emotions, don’t be had by them ◦ Try to understand why you are reacting the way you are ◦ Take responsibility for your own emotions ◦ Express your feelings as your own, and request a concrete action

15. An anxious, “emotional” response is: ◦ Instinctive ◦ Habitual ◦ Defensive or ◦ Without premeditation (automatic) This does not include your feelings of love, anger, fear, frustration, sadness, etc.

16.  Lowering Anxiety ◦ Monitor your own functioning / emotions ◦ Create opportunities to listen ◦ Create time and space ◦ Give clear choices

17. The Curle Diagram Relations StaticUnstableDynamic Unpeaceful Stable Balanced Un- Balanced POWER Sustainable Peace Cut-offs Negotiation Confrontation Latent Conflict Overt Conflict Awareness of Conflict LowHigh

18.  What Doesn’t Work ◦ “Confidential” surveys or questionnaires ◦ Large public “congregational” meetings ◦ A “hearing”

19.  Dialogue not Debate  Facilitated by trained facilitators  Designed to surface issues  Solutions must come after  Builds community

20.  Begin with Covenant  Confidentiality  Transparency of raised issues  No “cross-talk”  No interruptions  Questions that are evocative, not predictive  Responses are paraphrased

21.  Generates energy and motivation to explore  Stimulates reflective thinking  Challenges or alters assumptions  Evokes more questions From “The Art of Powerful Questions” by Eric E. Vogt et al

22. What’s your opinion about whether we should do “Candles of Joy and Concern”

23. Compared to: How might our worship provide opportunities for community building connections.

24.  What is in the best interest of the congregation and its mission?  What do I want?  How is that different from what I really need?