Managing Stress in Relationships By Andrew Stochel, Ph.D. Marquette University Counseling Center

Sources of Relationship Stress: Some Examples: Demands of graduate school & professional life Busy schedules Finances Family concerns Children Health concerns Poor Communication Bad Habits

Impact of Stress on Relationships In addition to individual effects of stress, there are relational effects which include: Increased relational-discord Fighting & hostility Resentments Sense of being alone Irritability and agitation Difficulties spreading into other relationships Infidelity Break-ups, separations, and divorce

Strategies for Managing the Stress

Communication: Don't expect your partner to mind read – Don’t expect him or her to know all of the intimate details about you… especially in times of trouble or in new situations. Let your partner know what you specifically need from him/her. – This helps stop the guessing game and reduces disappointment and conflict. Check in Periodically. – Occasionally set aside time to check in with each other on changing expectations and goals. – Ignoring things for too long can lead to difficulties

Avoiding Conflict: Separate the issues relating to stress from the relationship. – Don’t let an issue taint your view of the relationship as a whole. – Set time limits on problem-solving discussions. – Be sure to take time to step away from the difficulty and enjoy each another as well. Avoid the “blame game”. – Avoid reminding each of other of your faults. – Avoiding pinning your partner down and allow for him/her to accept responsibility over his/her actions. – Allow for human error and remember forgiveness. – Take a feedback perspective rather than get defensive.

Avoiding Conflict: Be Okay with Admitting You’re a Beginner: – Don’t get stuck thinking that you know how to succeed in every particular area of life. – It’s okay to admit you don’t know and are unsure. – If you know everything, then there is nothing else to learn. Timing Counts. – Sometimes it’s best to not try to resolve things immediately. – Allow time to cool off. – "Time-outs” help you avoid saying or doing hurtful things in the heat of the moment and can help you clarify what’s important and what you really want to say. Agree to Disagree and Move On. – There will always be issues on which you and your partner will never completely agree. – Agree to disagree and negotiate compromises.

Avoiding Conflict: Discuss One Thing at a Time. – Avoid dumping all of your concerns and grievances. – Edit how you state your concerns. – Try to stay focused on the topic at hand. Really Listen. – Don't interrupt – Focus on what your partner is saying (rather than on your own response). – Reflect back to check if you heard your partner correctly. Adopt a "Win-Win" Position. – The goal is for the relationship to win, rather any one person. – This allows for shared responsibility and support.

Other Considerations: Understand You and Your Partner’s Familial Patterns. – How are conflicts were managed and talked about in each of your families? – It is common for families to do things differently. – Give yourselves permission to try new ways of handling things. Accept Your Partner’s Differences. – There are some things about our partners that will not change over time, no matter how much we want them to. – Avoid unrealistic expectations about how your partner will change. But also leave room for surprises. – Avoid expecting your partner to complement your own weaknesses and frailties.

Other Considerations: Make Time to Repair the Relationship. – Even if it has to be planned… relationships need to be up kept. – Remember that relationships just don’t happen. You need to put energy into relationships to make them work. Self-care: – "What are you doing to take care of yourself through this time?" – It’s often the first thing we neglect in times of stress. – We have a responsibility not only to ourselves, but also to our partners to maintain this part of our lives. – You cannot be there for someone else unless you are present and ready to take on the challenge yourself.