WHY WE FORM RELATIONSHIPS? Physical Needs. (reducing uncertainty about the world around us) Identity Needs. (reinforcing our identity, self-worth, etc.) Social Needs. (inclusion, being a part of a group). Practical Needs.

Why Do We Form Relationships With Some People And Not With Others? Appearance Similarity Complementarity Competency Proximity Rewards Reciprocity/Disclosure

I was initially attracted to my spouse/partner by his/her MenWomen Looks Personality Sexiness Wealth Warmth Power Humor

I was initially attracted to my spouse/partner by his/her MenWomen Looks26%17% Personality4944 Sexiness 9 5 Wealth 2 1 Warmth1226 Power 1 3 Humor 1 4

The question of interpretation What is the meaning of “personality?” What is the meaning of “looks?” Etc. Influences of culture, education, even mass media

Close, same, different… proximity = we like those near us similarity = we like those who are like ourselves Complementarity Competency

Rewards / Costs Based on Rational Choice Theory The exchange theory Rewards – Costs = Outcome (costs/benefits analysis) The main question: what one considers to be a reward and a cost? Also: what are the alternatives?

Relationship Development & Deterioration

Stages of Relationship Development 1. The stages should be viewed as descriptive of what seems to happen rather than what should happen. 2. The stages are not totally distinct from one another.

The initiating stage 1. In the initiating stage, we tend to follow the scripts we have learned for initial interactions. 2. During this stage we make initial judgments of other people's competence and they make judgments of our competence.

The experimenting stage This stage can be seen as an audition for friendship. It also helps us identify similarities between ourselves and others. It helps us and the other person reduce our uncertainty about each other. Relationships at this stage are casual and commitment is very limited.

Testing Your Partner… Directness Endurance Indirect suggestions Public presentation Separation Third party (asking others) Triangle

The intensifying stage During the intensifying stage we increase the information we disclose about ourselves to others. Overall, during this stage we are displaying our uniqueness to others.

The integrating stage Our interdependence with our partners begins to be visible to others. A jointly constructed view of the world begins to emerge. The "my" orientation begins to be replaced by a "we" orientation.

The bonding stage The bonding stage often involves a public ritual that announces to the world that commitments have been formally contracted. This is not just a ritual but a sign of taking responsibility and commitment.

Affinity-Seeking Strategies Altruism Leadership Comfort Politeness Dynamism Optimism Attractiveness Sensitivity Listening Autonomy Openness Knowledge

The dialectical perspective The dialectical perspective focuses on explaining the contradictions, inconsistencies, and paradoxes in our relationships.

Primary Relational Dialectics (inherent contradictions) INTEGRATION-SEPARATION STABILITY VERSUS CHANGE EXPRESSION VERSUS PRIVACY

INTEGRATION-SEPARATION The connection/autonomy dialectic (inclusion/seclusion) Autonomy = our desire to be independent; Connection = our need to feel included; Developing quality relationships requires balancing our needs for autonomy and connection and being aware of our partner's need for autonomy and connection.

STABILITY - CHANGE Predictability-Novelty Dialectic (conventionality/uniqueness) Developing quality relationships requires that we recognize our need for predictability and our need for novelty.

EXPRESSION - PRIVACY Openness ‑ Closedness Dialectic (revelation/concealment) Openness with others is necessary to develop intimacy with them; Protecting ourselves requires some degree of closedness.

Responses to dialectical tensions (strategies?) Disorientation (inability to face the problem) Denial / Recalibration (reinterpretation) Alternation Segmentation Balance Integration Reaffirmation

Content vs Relational Messages  Every message, verbal and nonverbal, has a second relational dimension which makes statements about how communicators feel toward one another. Interplay, 12th Edition, Adler/Rosenfeld/Proctor Copyright © 2012 by Oxford University Press, Inc.

Content vs Relational Messages Consider comparison to the art of argumentation Relevant vs irrelevant material Relational SuperiorityHelplessness FriendlinessAloofness SexualIrritation

Causes of Relationship Deterioration: Transgressions/Violations of Norms  Minor versus significant  Social versus relational  Deliberate versus unintentional  One-time versus incremental Interplay, 12th Edition, Adler/Rosenfeld/Proctor Copyright © 2012 by Oxford University Press, Inc.

Causes of Relationship Deterioration: Transgressions/Violations of Norms Lack of Commitment (from failing minor obligations to deception and unfaithfulness) Distance (emotional/physical separation) Disrespect (criticism/abuse) Problematic Emotions (jealousy, suspicion, rage) Aggression (verbal hostility/physical violence)

Other Causes of Relationship Deterioration 1.Unrealistic beliefs 2.Relationship changes 5.Undefined expectations 6.Sex-related problems 7.Work-related problems 8.Financial difficulties 9. Ideology / Politics / Religion

Stages of Coming Apart The differentiating stage The circumscribing stage The stagnating stage The avoiding stage The terminating stage

The differentiating stage Differences become the central focus of our attention and these differences lead to greater interpersonal distance between us and our partners The "we" orientation begins to be replaced by a "my“ orientation.

The circumscribing stage The circumscribing stage involves constricted communication; Communication decreases in Quantity and Quality.

The stagnating stage In this stage, there is an expectation of unpleasant conversations, and the feeling that we have little to say to our partners. Our communication is awkward, scripted, and often similar to the way we talk to strangers.

The avoiding stage In the avoiding stage we rearrange our lives so that there is little need to interact with our partners.

The terminating stage The terminating stage involves physically and psychologically leaving relationships.

Why People Stay Together? Emotional attachment Convenience Children Fear Inertia Commitment (to whom? To what?)

Relational maintenance (the negative side) Retribution Reformulation Prevention Minimization Relational justification

Interpersonal Persuasion Pathos Ethos Logos

LOGOS (reasoning) Select reasons that give the best support for your proposal Select reasons you can support with specific information Select reasons that will have an impact on the person you are trying to persuade

ETHOS (believability) Demonstrate knowledge and expertise Demonstrate that you care about the effects on others Behave ethically

PATHOS (emotional response) Identify your own feelings about the situation Select information that will stimulate those emotions Describe your feelings to the other person

Compliance Gaining Strategies Direct Requests Indirect Appeals Reciprocity Reward and Punishment Face Maintenance Relational Appeals