LESSON 3 [ALTERNATIVE] The Structure of the Blended Family and the Destruction of the Child’s Values Presented by THE NATURAL SYSTEMS INSTITUTE

THE STRUCTURE OF THE BLENDED FAMILY AND THE DESTRUCTION OF VALUES Rarely are the members able to look objectively at the diverse patterns of relating, independent of the intentions, dispositions, or personalities of the members. It is not typical, although not impossible, for any of the involved parties to have malicious intentions. Even when the ex and new spouses are bitter and suspicious, they generally do not intend to hurt or negatively shape the children’s personalities In spite of their good or benign intentions, the children do begin to demonstrate disturbed behavior and emotions The personalities, the newness of relations, the different styles of parenting, the effects of trauma on both children and adults, and the effects of blood territoriality all make their contribution to these disturbances. However, a factor that is seldom perceived or understood is the effect of the Structure encompassing all of the related families. This is the major factor that is emphasized in this paper Mr. and Mrs. Red married and had two children: Little Red One and Little Red Two. Eventually, after some nasty conflicts, they divorced. Mrs. Red got the children and soon remarried to Mr. Green. Mr. Green already had a child. The Little Green One visited her father every weekend. This became a blended family, with Mr. Green, the Ex Mrs. Red, the two Little Reds, and the Little Green one every weekend.

Figure 2. Marriage, Divorce, Remarriage Little Red OneLittle Red Two Little Red One Little Red Two DIVORCE Ex Mr. Red Ex Mrs. Red Ex Mr. Green Little Red Two Little Red One The Newly Greens. Mrs. Red Little Green One REMARRY Weekends Ex Mrs. Blue REMARRY Little Blue One Visit every other six months. The Newly Reds Weekends Mr. Red Mrs. Red

“ Mr. Red was only allowed to see his children on weekends. Mr. Red eventually remarried to the ex Mrs. Blue who brought her only child with her. The ex Mrs. Blue’s child, Little Blue One, was allowed to live with her father and his new wife every other six months. She visited the parent she was not living with at the time every weekend. After the divorce, Mr. And Mrs. Red viewed each other with suspicion and animosity. The Ex Mrs. Red had been loving and empathic and emphasized allowing the children to adventure and experiment. She discussed decisions and consequences with them to help them learn to use their own judgment better and to learn to be responsible by thinking things through for themselves. She remarried to Mr. Green and the parenting became more consistent as Mr. Green deferred to the Ex Mrs. Red, but approved of the her children’s behavior. The diagrams above in Figure 2 outline The Reds before and after divorce in the first two diagrams and the last diagram outlines the increasingly complex relationships after the Reds remarry. Mr. Red remarries to the Ex Mrs. Blue and Mrs. Red remarries to Mr. Green. The diagram of the Newly Reds and the Newly Greens includes the custody and visitation arrangements of the children of Mrs. Blue, Mr. Green, and the Reds.

“ Mr. Green had been a patient listener who had left the raising and discipline of the children to his ex wife. He was very tolerant, non interfering, and accepting. If asked to get involved in the interaction, he would modestly say that he wassure that she was a much better mother than he. The ex Mrs. Green had been over protective and indulgent, tended to baby, and was overlyconcerned with the Little Green One’s, health. The ex Mrs. Green married Mr. Orange, who was emotionally distant but very responsible for the children. He, also aligned with the ex Mrs. Green In everything involving children, but left the decisions and the interaction with her child to her. While he did not interfere, it was obvious that he had a great disdain for weakness, incompetence and sickness. The Little Green One would go from the Ex Mrs. Green to her father’s new home on weekends and be homesick and feel sick to get sympathy, but her father’s new wife and step children were too robust and mature for that. The Little Red Ones would ignore Little Green One, as would Mr. Green. The Ex Mrs. Red tried to counsel, coach, and encourage the Little Green One, but to no avail.

Mr. Red was only allowed to see his children on weekends. Mr. Red eventually remarried to the ex Mrs. Blue who brought her only child with her. The ex Mrs. Blue’s child, Little Blue One, was allowed to live with her father and his new wife every other six months. She visited the parent she was not living with at the time every weekend. After the divorce, Mr. And Mrs. Red viewed each other with suspicion and animosity. The Ex Mrs. Red had been loving and empathic and emphasized allowing the children to adventure and experiment. She discussed decisions and consequences with them to help them learn to use their own judgment better and to learn to be responsible by thinking things through for themselves. She remarried to Mr. Green and the parenting became more consistent as Mr. Green deferred to the Ex Mrs. Red, but approved of her children’s behavior. The diagrams above in Figure 2 outline The Reds before and after divorce in the first two diagrams and the last diagram outlines the increasingly complex relationships after the Reds remarry. Mr. Red remarries to the Ex Mrs. Blue and Mrs. Red remarries to Mr. Green. The diagram of the Newly Reds and the Newly Greens includes the custody and visitation arrangements of the children of Mrs. Blue, Mr. Green, and the Reds.

The ex Mrs. Blue was oriented toward making children into high achievers, especially in school, and teaching them to be polite, well mannered, serious and responsible. Mr. Red had been strict, consistent, and devoted to guiding and educating his children to reach his high expectations Mr. Red and the ex Mrs. Blue generally agreed on child rearing, but tended to engage in long intellectual arguments over small details concerning how Little Blue One and Little Red One and Two should be trained and educated. Mr. Blue and ex Mrs. Blue parted amicably. Mr. Blue’s personality was somewhat childish and fun loving and he believed in being lenient, permissive, and indulgent. He married a much younger woman who had not been married before and who shared his crazy, fun loving ways. For the six months each year when Mr. and Mrs. Blue had Little Blue One, they all had a rollicking good time with no thought to limits, schedules, or responsibilities. For the second six months there were discipline and high expectations with the Newly Reds. The Little Reds would come on weekends and complain that they did not need to be told what to do, were responsible, and could make their own decisions. They would then turn on the Little Blue one and ridicule her for being whiny about having so many rules, so much to do and no fun. They felt quite superior to the Little Blue One, who felt rejection and pouted and rebelled, and acted silly like a much younger child.

Mr. Green had been a patient listener who had left the raising and discipline of the children to his ex wife. He was very tolerant, non-interfering, and accepting. If asked to get involved in the interaction, he would modestly say that he was sure that she was a much better mother than he was. The ex Mrs. Green had been over protective and indulgent, tended to baby, and was overly concerned with the Little Green One’s health. The ex Mrs. Green married Mr. Orange, who was emotionally distant but very responsible for the children. He, also aligned with the ex Mrs. Green In everything involving children, but left the decisions and the interaction with her child to her. While he did not interfere, it was obvious that he had a great disdain for weakness, incompetence and sickness. The Little Green One would go from the Ex Mrs. Green to her father’s new home on weekends and be homesick and feel sick to get sympathy, but her father’s new wife and stepchildren were too robust and mature for that. The Little Red Ones would ignore Little Green One, as would Mr. Green. The Ex Mrs. Red tried to counsel, coach, and encourage the Little Green One, but to no avail.

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