Adult Sexuality II Divorce, ageing, androgyny, etc.

Divorce What happens when it’s not “till death do us part”? What happens when it’s not “till death do us part”? Rates increased steadily, but have decreased since ’77 Rates increased steadily, but have decreased since ’77 Drop due to cohabitation? Drop due to cohabitation?

Now around half of all marriages end in divorce Now around half of all marriages end in divorce But 96% remarry! But 96% remarry! Is this a reflection of the belief that a good marriage is out there, somewhere? Is this a reflection of the belief that a good marriage is out there, somewhere?

Why so high? Because divorce is so easy? Because divorce is so easy? Less stigma? Less stigma? Kids marrying kids? Kids marrying kids? Unrealistically high expectations? Unrealistically high expectations? Women now have less $$ dependency? Women now have less $$ dependency?

More Explanations Couples with low levels of education Couples with low levels of education Women with high levels of education Women with high levels of education The 4 year itch? The 4 year itch?

More Finger Pointing Divorced people pin the blame on: Divorced people pin the blame on: 1) Infidelity 1) Infidelity 2) A low quality relationship 2) A low quality relationship 3) Drinking, drugs, abuse, etc. 3) Drinking, drugs, abuse, etc. Women claim that the husband’s bad behavior did the trick. Women claim that the husband’s bad behavior did the trick. Men don’t have a clue. Men don’t have a clue.

The poor cite $$ woes. The poor cite $$ woes. The well-off point to poor communication, incompatibility and self-centeredness. The well-off point to poor communication, incompatibility and self-centeredness.

A Tragic Legacy More divorces leave more children raised in divorced homes and then they are more likely to get divorced. More divorces leave more children raised in divorced homes and then they are more likely to get divorced.

Adjusting to Divorce Usually a big, multi-faceted loss Usually a big, multi-faceted loss Similar to a loss from death Similar to a loss from death But there is no culturally accepted grieving process But there is no culturally accepted grieving process

The Typical Sequence Shock Shock Disorganization Disorganization Loneliness  --  Anger Loneliness  --  Anger Acceptance? If not, Acceptance? If not, Counseling, and just maybe, Counseling, and just maybe, Personal Growth Personal Growth

Dating – The Second Time Around Difficult to start again Difficult to start again Lingering feelings limit intimacy Lingering feelings limit intimacy Some jump in too fast – “on the rebound” Some jump in too fast – “on the rebound” Most active within a year Most active within a year 80% remarry – most within 3 years 80% remarry – most within 3 years

Remarriage Sadder but wiser? Sadder but wiser? No, second tries are even more likely to fail No, second tries are even more likely to fail Exception – marrying a high-school sweetheart Exception – marrying a high-school sweetheart Otherwise, less tolerant? Otherwise, less tolerant? Less intimidated by divorce? Less intimidated by divorce?

Aging and Sexuality Things change for all of us Things change for all of us Some cope, some don’t Some cope, some don’t Many assume the worst Many assume the worst But for many, things improve But for many, things improve

Why are we so pessimistic? The old sex is for procreation attitude? The old sex is for procreation attitude? Our culture-wide preoccupation with youth? Our culture-wide preoccupation with youth? Is sex and the aged socially unacceptable? Is sex and the aged socially unacceptable? Times are changing Times are changing

Divorce’s Impact on Women Double standard Double standard Just as important to feel attractive after a divorce Just as important to feel attractive after a divorce Does only youth=sexy? Does only youth=sexy? While women are considered old, men are often considered more attractive While women are considered old, men are often considered more attractive

More of the Double Standard Older man  --  Younger woman Older man  --  Younger woman But not a older woman and a younger man But not a older woman and a younger man But trends are changing But trends are changing Susan Sontag’s empowering stance Susan Sontag’s empowering stance

Sexual Activity Despite perceptions, things don’t just stop Despite perceptions, things don’t just stop 50% over 60 are sexually active  they have relations at least once a month 50% over 60 are sexually active  they have relations at least once a month While %s drop as the years roll on, many are active into their 80’s While %s drop as the years roll on, many are active into their 80’s

Who Remains Active? Those who were always active Those who were always active Those who worked at it Those who worked at it Those who retained their health Those who retained their health Those whose partner stayed healthy Those whose partner stayed healthy Exercise and good diet certainly help Exercise and good diet certainly help

Quality With less demands on their time, the aged often enjoy sex more With less demands on their time, the aged often enjoy sex more There is often a greater emphasis on affection There is often a greater emphasis on affection Often enjoy an increase in intimacy Often enjoy an increase in intimacy Even an expanded repertoire Even an expanded repertoire After death or divorce, many find passion again After death or divorce, many find passion again

Homosexual Adjustments Typically fare well Typically fare well Report satisfaction prefer same-age peers Report satisfaction prefer same-age peers Lesbians have more chances Lesbians have more chances partners less likely to die partners less likely to die physical attraction less of an issue physical attraction less of an issue

Towards Androgyny Common drift as we age Common drift as we age As Carl Yung envisioned? As Carl Yung envisioned? Hormonal differences decline Hormonal differences decline So do gender-role limitations So do gender-role limitations Gains, not losses, are experienced as both sexes acquire characteristics associated with the other- sex Gains, not losses, are experienced as both sexes acquire characteristics associated with the other- sex

Men become more sensitive Men become more sensitive Women more assertive Women more assertive We need life experience to truly know ourselves and then know our lovers We need life experience to truly know ourselves and then know our lovers We find a passion fueled by maturity We find a passion fueled by maturity

widowhood Four widows for every widower Four widows for every widower They encounter a small pool of potential partners They encounter a small pool of potential partners But still, the great majority fantasize about sex well into their 80’s But still, the great majority fantasize about sex well into their 80’s Grieving much different than post-divorce Grieving much different than post-divorce Greater grief Greater grief

After a Partner Passes Difficulty forming new relationships Difficulty forming new relationships But yet, 50% of widowers and 25% of widows remarry But yet, 50% of widowers and 25% of widows remarry