An Ounce of Prevention: Two Pounds of Cure Recovering men talking to their boys: about being a man healthy sexuality sex addiction Vic Vines, MD Jes Montgomery, MD Deb Corley, PhD

Objectives Demonstrate a process to help recovering men identify their own old and new views of being a “real man” Review some things important for recovering men to know or think about as plan to talk to boys/girls about masculinity/femininity, sexuality, and being a best friend Brainstorm how to implement in practice

Pressures to Act Like a “Real Man” List the qualities of a “Real Man” as promoted for boys and men by popular culture… What is the role of sex in this promotion? What is the role of violence in this promotion?

Masculinity Messages: Active Addict’s Perspective Promote and stand up for self Talk about sex Make jokes about sex “No” means “maybe” “No” not allowed for self / from others High numbers of sexual partners = high level of masculinity (High # is expected)

Recovering Men & Values What are the characteristics of a man who has a strong recovery? What does it mean to be masculine? What values do you now have (or want) as a result of being in recovery?

Masculinity Messages: Recovering Addict’s Perspective Honest and worthy of trust (accountable, dependable, loyal, transparent) Can identify and talk about feelings Listens and doesn’t interrupt Reflects and encourages, never shames Willing to invest time in relationship Is kind and patient Is proud of values and seeks those with similar values as friends

Recovering Men & Values: Sons When thinking about talking to a son about sexual behaviors, how do those values inform/impact the discussion? Men working together can create meaningful dialogue in preparation for discussions with children

Recovering Men & Values: Sons Clarify general values Treating people with dignity Respecting boundaries Availability of accurate sexuality information Importance of friendship first Clarify own values about hot topics: BE PREPARED! Masturbation, pornography, pre-marital sex, fidelity, honesty

Recovering Men & Values: Sons Take advantage of teachable moments Determine goal and message (let child’s mother/s know what you have in mind so both can take advantage of teachable moments) Be an emotionally intelligent coach Determine intervention when: Rules are broken Values not honored Practice with peers! Then -- Just do it!

Sexual Information Source: Addict’s Perspective Media Computer, TV, movies, books, magazines, music, commercials Friends Surrogate parents Parents Message: Sex is the ideal experience Sex disconnected from relationships Relationships should be passionate

Communication Works Children want to know your values Facts are not enough Utilize “teachable” moments Reward questions Be truthful – actions speak louder than words I don’t know…I made a mistake. This is hard for me…I am uncomfortable. Clarify private vs. secret Listen (repeat, repeat, summarize) Practice – use age appropriate concepts

Sexually Healthy Families Parents Consider sexuality education a important as all other types of value based education Are “askable” Utilize “teachable moments” rather than waiting for child to ask Are aware that actions speak louder than words Know the difference between childhood and adult sexuality

Sexually Healthy Families Children Feel good about their bodies Understand concept of privacy Are prepared for puberty Feel comfortable asking parents questions Can set and respect boundaries Can make age appropriate decisions

Healthy Sexuality HS is consensual both partners want the same things without feeling pressured Both people are old enough to be having sex How old is that? What is legal/illegal? Sexual intercourse (OVA) is a high-risk behavior best postponed until … (add your value here) or older, but you may disagree

Healthy Sexuality 2 First sex should be with a best friend Best friends can talk openly about wants or boundaries Best friends can see each other without embarrassment If can’t do that you’re probably not old enough to engage in penetrative sex of any type.

“Doing it, having sex, hooking up”: Healthy Sexuality 3 “Doing it, having sex, hooking up”: too vague to agree upon Partners – must talk in direct language about what: they want to do they expect to do don’t want to do It helps ensure consent. Oral sex is “real sex’ with +/- consequences Anal sex is always higher risk for both genders. It should only be practiced with caution, care, consent, condoms, and lubricant.

Healthy Sexuality 4 If you are having sex with multiple partners, you should be tested for HIV/STI every 6 months Taking protective steps for all involved, sex can / should be a: Fun Lighthearted Caring Bonding experience

Brainstorm Topics Need to Discuss Honesty & being trustworthy Friendships – Connecting with others Commitment Why people have sex / other fun stuff to do besides intercourse What is great sex? (See Michael Castleman’s book “Great Sex”) Masturbation Pornography

Masturbation & Pornography Age appropriate: some do, some don’t Importance of privacy Celebration / exploration vs. primary coping mechanism Pornography Objectification vs. relating to real person Fears of relating to real people Healthy non shame-based or objectified fantasy 50% had seen explicit porn before age 8 All had viewed explicit porn by age 14

Tender Respectful Sexual Unfolding Gay-Straight and In-between What do you know? What have you heard? What do you think? Value: Respect of others Safe ways to explore, find self love & respect

Tender Respectful Sexual Unfolding Coming Out To My Children Come from your proud, strong gay/bi self Don’t wait for someone else to tell Start conversations when kids are young Inform, don’t confess Assurance your relationship won’t change Be ready for questions

Dating Violence – Never OK Share the facts and your fears Tell them what you see and ask how they feel about it Remind teen that: she/he is worthy healthy relationship – mutual respect and caring Be open to talk about: whether the relationship should continue their fears about getting out of the relationship suggest ways you can help – and intervene if necessary Agree on safeguards/limits

Five Components of Emotional IQ Ability to recognize a feeling when it happens Can tolerate emotional distress Motivate self to delay gratification and stifle impulses Recognize emotional states of others (empathy) Respond rather than react to the emotional states of others This requires the parent to be a good emotional coach!

Five Steps of Emotional Coaching Be aware of child’s emotion Recognize the emotion as an opportunity for intimacy (nurturing) and teaching (guidance) Listening with empathy and verify the child’s feelings Help the child verbally label the feeling(s) Setting limits (protection, structure) while helping the child problem solve Gottman, 1997

Other Help for Emotional Coaching Avoid excessive criticism, using contempt through body language or stonewalling Small steps lead to larger steps, praise along the way (scaffolding) Start where child is emotionally, not where you want them to be Empower the child through giving choices and teach how and when to do systematic decision making Understand your power and how much the child wants to please you Gottman, 1997

When NOT to use Emotional Coaching When too pressed for time When you have an audience When you are too upset or tired Need to address serious misbehavior When child is faking an emotion to manipulate you

Some Model Prevention Programs Model programs aimed at boys BAM (Boys Advocacy & Mentoring) www.bamgroups.com teaching awareness of social pressure increase sense of belonging improve friendship & EQ skills Mentors in Violence Prevention www.mvpnational.org College Athletic programs that advocate for resolving differences differently

Model Prevention Programs