THE PAMPERED CHILD SYNDROME Maggie Mamen, Ph.D. Psychologist

REQUIREMENTS FOR PHYSICAL AND MENTAL HEALTH Sleep Good nutrition Exercise/fresh air Attachment/nurturing Safety and security

PARENTAL RESPONSES  But we can’t get her to go to bed …  But he’s a very picky eater …  But she doesn’t like sports …  But he just won’t switch off the TV/video games/ computer/MSN …  But we don’t like to say “no,” because she gets SO upset …  But if he doesn’t get what he wants, he hits me …

PARENTAL GOALS … to raise children who  are comfortable and happy  are stimulated and enriched  have fun  can make their own choices and be independent  are included in family decisions  are given reasons for what they are asked to do  are treated equally and fairly  can express their feelings and be heard  feel loved and appreciated  have positive self-esteem

MESSAGES RECEIVED …  I should never be unhappy  I should never be bored  If it’s not fun, I won’t do it  No one can tell me what to do  Adults should always consult me  I won’t do anything unless there’s a good reason  I should be treated the same as adults  I should only do things I feel like doing  If I want it, I should have it, and if you love me, you should give it to me  I should always feel good about myself

WHY WE PAMPER …  Backlash from authoritarian parenting, parent “blaming”  Political events in 60s and 70s  “Love is enough”  Children’s rights  Legacy of “abuse”; focus on self-esteem  Child-centred parenting/teaching philosophies  “It takes a village …”; parenting “experts”  Marketing, advertising, “nag” factor

HOW WE PAMPER...  spend money, give material goods  do everything for our children  try to compensate with extra attention  make excuses for poor behaviour and protect them from the consequences of their choices  give in; say “no” but do “yes”  try to be their friend

PAMPERED CHILD SYNDROME  Exaggerated sense of entitlement  Self-focussed; demanding of adult attention  No recognition of authority, boundaries  Difficulty with impulse control  Lack of self-discipline  Low threshold for discomfort  No resources for dealing with disappointment, failure, loss  Little guilt, remorse, empathy  Signs/symptoms of major psychiatric or psychological disorder

“ DIFFERENTIAL DIAGNOSES”  Behaviour Disorders  Oppositional Defiant Disorder  Conduct Disorder  Attention Deficit Disorder  Depression/Bipolar Disorder  Anxiety Disorder, School Refusal  Childhood Obesity  Learning Disabilities

BALANCING THE MESSAGES …  Short-term pain for long-term gain  “Out of boredom comes creativity”  Some issues are not negotiable; sometimes there is no choice  There are times when children should be seen and not heard  Rights, privileges … and responsibilities  Life is not a democracy  Who said life is fair?  “Because I said so” means “You can trust me”

WHAT ELSE WE CAN DO …  Be careful not to judge; there but for fortune …  DARE TO PARENT! Take back our families  Decide what our values are and teach them  strive for fairness, not necessarily equality  teach altruism, empathy and compassion - yes, you can!  remember that saying “no” will not damage self-worth  Set boundaries so that children are safe  say what we mean, mean what we say – builds trust  allow chosen and promised consequences to happen

 Be on the same team – parents, teachers, caregivers, professionals; UNITE THE “RIGHT”!  Stop being afraid of our children  even if we are, we pretend we are not  trust children to handle their negative feelings  Be a parent, not a friend; parenting is a vocation, not a popularity contest

So that our children can … “Know their faculties” “Test their strengths” “Train for real life” Alfred Adler

AND REMEMBER... when it comes to making a difference whether you think you can or whether you think you can’t YOU’RE RIGHT!