Chapter 7 The “Other” Matrix Page 202

Fear of Judgment from “Others” If you absolutely did not care what others thought of how you talked, what would happen to your blocking/ stuttering? Every person that I know who overcame stuttering was able to reach the point where what others may or may not think of how he/she spoke did not matter. They became so confident within themselves that those old fears of others disappeared. Page 206

The Other Matrix The Other or Relational Matrix reflects how we have mapped out and developed our meanings about what we understand, believe and expect of others. It refers to what we think and feel about the idea of connection, whether this is a good and valued thing or a dangerous and fearful thing. Page 206

Questions about Human Nature Am I more fluent around people I feel safe or comfortable with? How do I relate to people in authority? Am I more comfortable with males or females? Do I change my relationship with others from context to context? What can I expect of people? What skills do I have for getting along, creating rapport, understanding? Page 206

Creating Blocking/ Stuttering “I will avoid situations around people or groups that will attract attention to me and expose this weakness?” “I will try to cover up or block the stuttering, if I am around people, so I won’t look foolish?” “If I try to communicate, I will probably stutter and they will laugh at me. I don’t want them to laugh at me.” Page 206

Intentional Frames – I am not going to attract attention. I am not going to let others see my vulnerabilities. I will not give others the chance to laugh at me. I will not let them see me struggle. I will avoid situations around people or groups that will expose this weakness. I will try to cover up the stuttering. Page 206

Conclusions Drawn – It is not OK to stutter. I am fearful of being rejected. Others expect me to speak fluently. They don’t want me to pause. The want me to “spit it out.” If I pause, that shows I am weak. If I pause, they will thin I do not know what I am talking about.  Page 206

Conclusions Drawn – I can’t measure up to their expectations. If they don’t validate me it will hurt. And, how can they validate me if I block and stutter? I had rather be invisible than to stutter. I feel so isolated. If I stutter, I will not ever find someone to marry me. I always feel “less than” because I stutter.  Pages

Conclusions Drawn – I look foolish. People judge you by how you talk. People validate or determine my worth by how I talk. What people say about me becomes truth. People judge the content of what I am saying. I must protect myself from being hurt by others. I must conceal my emotions. Page 207

Developmental Theoretical Frames – Loevinger Erikson Julian Rotter Page

Developed from our Caregivers From our caregivers we develop our maps and give meaning and importance or fearfulness of connecting, relating, loving, being open, being vulnerable, etc. Page 207

Directed Related to Self Matrix Originally we experienced them as one. Then in the developmental nature of growing up, we individualize and become dependent and then eventually independent. Independence allows us to stand on our own – becoming independent of others. Page 207

New Patterns for Re-Defining how We Relate to “Others” Meta-Model Questions Establishing Good Boundaries Pattern The Power-Zone Pattern with the “Responsibility To/For” Pattern Page 212

1) Meta-Model Questions – Applying Critical Thinking This model is especially powerful in your challenging your own thinking about giving your power away to others. These questions force you outside that kind of thinking and lead you to consider other ways of perceiving. Page 213

Meta-Model Questions When do other people judge you? Where do they judge you? Where do they not judge you? How do you know they are judging you? Are you absolutely certain that they are judging you? How do you do the process of mind-reading that they are judging you? What do you see, hear, feel and how do you talk to yourself in order to create the fear of their judging you? What do you do with your breath? How does your breathing change? How do your facial features change from when you perceive that people are judging you to those times that you do not perceive people are judging you? Page 213

More Meta-Model Questions What thoughts are driving the experience of fearing that others are judging you? What are the thoughts in the back of the mind about that? And what thought is behind that? Etc. Keep asking the back-of-the- mind question until there are no other thoughts or questions there. Do you have any memories that contribute to fearing that others are judging you? Are those events now present in your life or are they old and presently irrelevant? Do you have any imaginations about what others judging you will lead to? What fearful apprehensions? Do those imaginations and fears serve you? If not, what will?  Page 213

More Meta-Model Questions What if you didn’t care about what the other person thought of your speech? What would happen if you didn’t care how you spoke and what others may or may not think of your speech but focused on the content of the conversation instead? What stops you from doing that? Page 213

2) Good Boundaries Pattern 1. Identify a boundary problem 2. Create a sense of “self” space and its boundaries. 3. Solidify the boundary. 4. Take second position. 5. Reassume first position. 6. Trouble-shoot. 7. Check ecology and future pace. pp

3) Meta-Stating Your Power Zone With Responsibility To/For This is a pattern for recognizing and owning the very core “powers” or functions of our neuro-linguistic functioning. Doing this establishes the basis for personal empowerment, responsibility and proactivity. Extra

“Four Core Central Powers” Two Inner Powers: Two Public or Outer Powers: Review

From the “Power Zone” Pattern: 1. Access a full experience of your “Four Central Powers.” 2. Access and amplify the resource state of ownership. 3. Access the states of acceptance and appreciation of “mine!” 4. Amplify these states until your neurology radiates and apply to your power zone. 5. Imagine pushing other people’s judgments on how you speak away from you. 6. Run the Meta-No/ Meta-Yes Pattern 218

7a. Take Ownership Responsibility “for” establishes personal “accountability.” The word “responsibility” refers to one’s ability to respond – “response – ability” – power to act. Ask yourself, “Do I realistically have power over someone else’s four powers?” Or, are they and they alone responsible for how they think, feel, speak and behave? Pages

7b. Responsible “For/To” 1. While inside your power bubble, notice how you feel when you say, “I am response-able for my thoughts, feelings, speaking and behavior.” 2. Now say, “I am responsible to others but never for what others, think, feel say or do.” Pages

8.Future Pace Imagine in the weeks and months to come, moving through the world with this frame of mind about your zone of response… power. How will your life be with you “owning,” “accepting,” and “appreciating” your power zone? How will the lives of those around you be? Page 220

Power Zone Ownership – For/To 1. Access a full experience of your “Four Central Powers” – thinking, feeling, speaking and behaving. 2. Access and amplify the resource state of ownership. 3. Access the states of acceptance and appreciation of “mine!” 4. Amplify these states until your neurology radiates and apply to your power zone. 5. Imagine pushing other people’s judgments on how you speak away from you. 6. Meta-No giving others power over you by being concerned what they may think of your speech and Meta-Yes your own Power Zone. 7. Take ownership of power zone and distinguish responsibility “To” and “For” other people. 8. Future Pace Summary

Un-Insultability Pattern 1. Access a Primary State Context in which you want the ability to be Un-Insultable. 2. What meta-level resources do you need to access and apply to attain this frame of mind? 3. Sequence the states that you want to set as frames in terms of being un-insultable. 4. Access and Apply each Resource State and layer on until the gestalt Emerges. 5. Future pace and commission your “higher mind” at a higher executive level to take charge of running this pattern when you need to be un-insultable. Extra