Effective Listening 3/28/2017

The single most important skill in personal relationships, selling, negotiating, and managing is listening. You can’t have a successful relationship unless you are firmly committed to listening a majority of the time. Reaching agreement relies on listening, understanding, and building trust.

Listening 60% in most relationships -The minimum 80% in some relationships - The maximum If your partner won’t listen at least 20% of the time, it’s not a two-way relationship. It’s a one-way relationship like in theater, movies, print, broadcasting, or cable -- you are the audience.

The Communication Process Source Message Channel Receiver Listening Understanding Feedback

Effective Communication Depends On: Source credibility Message strength Channel effectiveness Receiver characteristics Listening effectiveness Responsive feedback

Effective Communication Elements that enhance source credibility: Trustworthiness Competence Objectivity Expertise Physically Attractiveness Dynamism Similarity “People like and trust people exactly like themselves.”

Effective Communication Elements that enhance message strength: Two-sided argument Ordering effects Primacy and recency KISS (Keep It Simple, Stupid) USP (Unique Selling Proposition) Focus on benefits to the other person

Effective Communication Channel effectiveness Face-to-face most effective Full, two-way verbal and non-verbal communication with instant feedback Video (film, TV, e.g.) next most effective. Audio (radio, e.g.) next. Video and audio can convey emotion and control emphasis, even though they are one-way. Print least effective unless the message is complex. Can’t convey emotion, one-way.

Receiver characteristics that affect communication: Intelligence The receiver can understand and evaluate messages. Self-confidence The receiver trusts self to evaluate communication and make an assured decision.

Effective Listening Ask an open-ended question. Adopt the proper attitude. Optimistic, open, confident, trusting, respecting, non-defensive, and non-judgmental Shut up and listen. Listen actively: nod, use gestures, smile (Responsive feedback). Concentrate on the speaker. Don’t take notes unless it’s absolutely necessary. Ditch the cell phone -- disrespectful to check it. Addiction

Effective Listening Do not step on sentences. Do not respond to negatives, objections, concerns too quickly. If you do, you appear to be defensive. Do not think of a rebuttal. If you continually rebut arguments, you’ll stop getting them and won’t learn anything. If you think of a rebuttal while trying to listen, you can’t receive 100% of the information you hear.

Effective Listening Respect the other side’s statements. Respect and learn about their view of the world. Listen for themes. Risk averse, conservative, entrepreneurial, recognition need, affiliation need, goal oriented, etc. Be very sensitive to emotional cues. Listen in synchronization – don’t mimic.

Effective Listening Concentrate on the speaker (open body language). Acknowledge, don’t always agree. “Oh,” “Uh-Uh,” “I see,” e.g. Don’t say “Good,” or “You’re right,” – judgmental. Don’t react emotionally. Control your emotions. Listen with authenticity. Be yourself, others can tell when you’re not sincere.

What good listeners don’t do: * Interrupt Respond too soon. Editorialize in midstream. Jump to conclusions. Judge the speaker. Try to solve the problem too quickly. Take calls or interruptions in the course of a meeting. * The Trusted Advisor, David Maister et al, Free Press, 2000

Non-Verbal Communication Non-verbal communication conveys 65% of a message’s meaning. Look for individual body language. No universal body language. Use gestures, space, openness, and your body language to: Give the message you care about and like the other person. Match their style and pace.

Non-Judgmental Listening Goals: To understand the other person’s needs Often, the other person just needs to talk. To understand another person’s unique perception of their world. Sales Effectiveness Training, Carl Zaiss and Thomas Gordon, Penguin Books, 1993

Non-Judgmental Listening Develop a non-threatening, non-confrontational attitude so people feel secure in opening up, revealing personal information. Offer personal information first and then trade it. Find something you have in common with the other person. Sales Effectiveness Training, Carl Zaiss and Thomas Gordon, Penguin Books, 1993

Vary your responses, otherwise listening becomes a monotonous technique. Never ask “Why?” No challenges No obvious, manipulating techniques or leading questions: “Have you stopped beating your wife?” e.g.

Effective Listening Listen carefully, actively. Rephrase their position/objection. - “Let me make sure I understand your position…you feel our prices are too high?” Get their agreement that you understand. - “Is that correct?” Respond with a form of an “I understand” statement (vary your responses) - “I understand…,” - “Feel, felt, found.”

“Feel, Felt, Found” Respond: “I understand how you feel …” Acknowledges their feelings and honors them. “Many people have felt the same way …” Reinforces and legitimizes their opinions so they know they aren’t stupid or silly. “But we have found that higher prices are based on three things: highly targeted content, high demand, and high response rates. We have a 95% renewal rate.”