How to Maintain a Relationship in Medical School

Overview  Effective communication  Time management  Money matters

3 Effective Communiation Skills  Softened Start-ups (Gottman, 2002)  David Burns (1999)  Professional Communication & Teamwork (Cohen, 2008)

4 Softened Start-Up Rules (Gottman Institute, 2002)  Complain, but don’t blame  Start statements with “I” instead of “you”  Describe what is happening, don’t evaluate or judge  Talk clearly about what you need  Be polite  Give appreciation  Don’t store things up

5 Effective Listening Skills (Burns, 1999)  Using the Disarming Technique Law of Opposites – find the truth & agree Use “I feel” statements non-defensively Avoid getting into who is “right” or “wrong”  Using Empathy  Using Inquiry

6 Professional Communication & Teamwork (Cohen, 2008)  Don’t expect perfection  Choose your fights  Talk directly to the person  Talk behind closed doors  Be cool, calm & collected  Be open to different interpretations of the same event

7 Professional Communication & Teamwork (Cohen, 2008)  Intervene early  Establish a goal for the interaction  Empathize / find the truth in what they are saying  Ask for clarifying details  Good professional relationships do not mean you have to be friends

8 So, What does Dr. Phil have to say about this?  Take it private & keep it private  Keep it relevant  Keep it real  Avoid character assassination  Remain task-oriented  Allow the other person to retreat with dignity  Be proportional in your intensity  There’s a time limit

TIME: Priorities  What is in your pie? *School & studying * Significant other * Immediate family & friends, * Work * Life fillers (yard work, grocery shopping, bills, meal prep, cleaning, sleep).

Time Management  Have a BALANCED plan! Mental, Physical, Emotional, & Spiritual All work & no play =

 Use a planner or scheduling program  Prioritize your To-Do list (ABC method) A- Must Do B- Should Do C- Could Do  Participate in study group  Optimize based on your body clock

Obstacle to Time Management  Over Scheduling  Over Accessibility  Tyranny of the Urgent!

 Procrastination  Anxiety/Depression  Perfectionism

The Money Paradox  We don’t talk about money while we are dating, but then it becomes the bane of many long-term relationships

Money Matters: Did you know…..?  43.2% of all graduate and professional students are married  ½ of all couples disagree about their net worth by 30%  ½ of all couples give income figures that differ by more than $2,000 per year  10% of all couples give incomes figures that differ by more than $15,000 per year  80% of couples that divorce by age 30 report financial problems are the primary cause of marital conflict

Why is $$$ so tough to talk about?  Unromantic  Spend and save  Invest  Financial responsibility  Measure of self-worth  Power and control  Inequitable incomes  Yours, mine or ours  No negotiation occurs  Credit cards – yikes  Unrealistic expectations  Mutual trust  Crisis oriented discussions

Why Should Couples Talk About $$  Positive and rewarding interactions  Constructive changes in spending and saving  Enhance joint decision making  Empowers partners to be committed to and involved in the relationship  Builds confidence in problem-solving abilities  Promotes equity  Defines shared financial goals, aspirations, etc.

Tips for Talking  Relationship 1 st, $$ 2 nd  What is happening in the relationship that makes money talk tough?  Schedule a time  Don’t wait for a crisis

Tips….  Listen without judgment  Seek input, don’t dominate  Think “problem solving”  Actively listen  Be open to alternative solutions  Compromise

Tips  Understand your values and the values of your partner: Money equals success and power Money equals security Money equals good feelings Money equals independence

Questions to Ask your Partner  Is our current approach to money management working for us?  How much money do we earn together?  How much money do we want to spend?  What kinds of purchases must we agree on?

Questions…  How much money can we each spend without consulting the other?  How much money do we want to save?  Where will we put the money we save?  Should we have separate or joint checking accounts?