Marriages and Families: Changes, Choices and Constraints Eighth Edition Nijole V. Benokraitis © 2015, 2012, 2011 by Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved.

Choosing Others: Dating and Mate Selection Chapter 8 Choosing Others: Dating and Mate Selection

Learning Objectives LO 8.1 Compare the manifest and latent functions of dating LO 8.2 Outline the characteristics, benefits, and costs of traditional and contemporary dating patterns LO 8.3 Describe five strategies for meeting dating partners

Learning Objectives LO 8.4 Compare three mate-selection theories LO 8.5 Describe some of the mate- selection differences across cultures LO 8.6 Describe the prevalence of dating violence, and explain why it occurs and its consequences

Learning Objectives LO 8.7 Describe breaking up, and explain why it occurs and its consequences

Why Do We Date? Manifest functions of dating Latent functions of dating Dating: The process of meeting people socially for possible mate selection. Marriage market: Process in which prospective spouses compare the assets and liabilities of eligible partners and choose the best available mate.

Manifest Functions of Dating Maturation Fun and recreation Companionship Love and affection Mate selection Dating fulfills several important manifest functions Maturation - Dating sends the message that an adolescent has become capable of engaging in developmental tasks such as emotional intimacy outside the family and, often, sexual expression. Fun and recreation - Going out with people we like relieves boredom, stress, and loneliness. Companionship - Regardless of one’s age, dating can be a valuable source of companionship. Love and affection - Dating is a socially accepted way to enjoy intimacy. Mate selection - Dating is usually a search for a marital partner.

Latent Functions of Dating Socialization Social status Fulfillment of ego needs Sexual experimentation and intimacy Big business Dating fulfills several important latent functions. Socialization - People learn about: Expected gender roles. Family structures that differ from their own. Different attitudes, beliefs, and values. Social status - Going out with an attractive or successful person enhances one’s status and prestige. Fulfillment of ego needs - Being asked out on a date or having one’s invitation accepted boosts a person’s self-esteem and self-image. Sexual experimentation and intimacy - As dating becomes more committed or frequent, young people are more likely to want and have sex. Big business - Dating provides a significant economic market for products and services such as clothing, grooming, food, and entertainment.

Question 1 _______ is a manifest function of dating. A. Sexual experimentation and intimacy B. Love and affection C. Fulfillment of ego needs D. Socialization

Question 1 _______ is a manifest function of dating. A. Sexual experimentation and intimacy B. Love and affection C. Fulfillment of ego needs D. Socialization

Question 2 Dating is a process in which prospective spouses compare the assets and liabilities of eligible partners and choose the best available mate. True False

Question 2 Dating is a process in which prospective spouses compare the assets and liabilities of eligible partners and choose the best available mate. True False

The Dating Spectrum Traditional dating Contemporary dating Traditional-contemporary combinations Dating in later life

Traditional Dating Was prevalent in 1970s and is still a way to meet potential spouses Gender role scripts are followed Popular events Coming-out parties or debutante balls Bat mitzvah and bar mitzvah Quinceañera The popularity of traditional dating is particularly evident in formal events such as coming-out parties or debutante balls. Other cultural rites of passage include the bat mitzvah for girls and the bar mitzvah for boys in Jewish communities. In many Latino communities, the quinceañera is a coming-of-age rite that celebrates a girl’s entrance into adulthood on her fifteenth birthday.

Contemporary Dating Hanging out Getting together Hooking up Hanging out may occur on a neighborhood street corner, at a fast-food place, or in a mall, where people just come and go. Hanging out is possible both because many parents respect their teenagers’ privacy and independence and because many 16-and 17-year-olds have access to cars. Getting together is more intimate and structured than hanging out. A group of friends meets at someone’s house or a party. Hooking up is a casual sexual encounter, no strings attached. After an initial hookup, partners may hook up again or, in some cases, start dating and become exclusive couples.

Traditional-Contemporary Combinations Dating patterns incorporate both traditional customs and contemporary trends Proms and homecoming parties Dinner dates Stayovers Traditional-contemporary combinations can lead to engagement and marriage. Proms and homecoming parties are still among the most popular traditional dating events. Dinner dates are still highly scripted. Stayovers is an emerging dating trend in which couples spend three or more nights together but maintain separate homes.

Dating in Later Life Dating after divorce or being widowed can be: Therapeutic Intimidating Dating can enhance one’s self-esteem, decrease loneliness, and involve reassessing one’s strengths and weaknesses as one forges new relationships. It can also provide companionship while one is still grieving a spouse’s death. Dating can also be daunting. Recently divorced or widowed people might be uncomfortable.

Question 3 Which of the following is traditional-contemporary combination dating? Quinceañera Proms and homecoming parties Getting together Bat mitzvah

Question 3 Which of the following is traditional-contemporary combination dating? Quinceañera Proms and homecoming parties Getting together Bat mitzvah

Question 4 Dating after divorce or being is more intimidating that being therapeutic. True False

Question 4 Dating after divorce or being is more intimidating that being therapeutic. True False

Meeting Others Personal classified advertisements Mail-order brides Professional matchmakers Speed dating Online dating

Personal Classified Advertisements Appeared in newspapers in the early 1700s and later in magazines Advertisers described her or his qualities and those sought in an ideal partner In recent times, are primarily online The ads became more prevalent during the 1960s and 1970s, but never became a widely socially acceptable way to find a mate. Only 1 percent of Americans met romantic partners through personal ads.

Mail-Order Brides Men seek wives from economically disadvantaged regions American women are too independent, demanding, and critical Want women with relatively little education Raised in cultures in which a married woman is expected to be a docile and obedient homemaker Most men turn out to be abusers. Some have: Murdered their wives Beaten, choked, and raped their brides Control their spouses by denying them any contact with their families at home or with their current American neighbors International Marriage Broker Regulation Act required U.S. men seeking a visa for a prospective bride to disclose any criminal convictions for domestic violence, sexual assault, or child abuse. Most of the women stay in abusive relationships and don’t report assaults because they: Speak little English. Have no money and no friends in the United States. Don’t know that they can leave abusive husbands without being deported. Fear that their families will blame them, and not their husbands, for a breakup.

Professional Matchmakers For people who find online dating: Too time consuming Disappointing Lacking privacy Matchmakers charge money for their services, which include: Image consultant Trip to a bridal shop

Speed Dating Singles engage in a series of brief face-to-face interactions with potential romantic partners in an event Benefits Inexpensive, takes little time Guards against stalking and draws people from the same region Avoids the awkwardness of blind dates Disadvantages Participants often rate potential daters on superficial criteria Participants are more likely to experience a choice overload Participants go from one table to another, spending about 10 minutes chatting with each person.

Online Dating People meet numerous potential partners online and discuss anything Advantages Convenience and low cost Easy for people who have difficulty in meeting potential romantic partners Disadvantages People might be dishonest Online dating services haven’t improved romantic outcomes compared with offline conventional dating. Dating sites fail to collect a lot of crucial information that lead to failed relationships. Dating sites don’t take into account the real-life environment surrounding the relationship. Many sites use mathematical matching algorithms that promise to find your perfect partner.

Online Dating The video discusses the pros and cons of online dating http://abavtooldev.pearsoncmg.com/sbx_videoplayer_v2/simpleviewer.php?projectID=MPL&clipID=dating.flv

The Downside of Internet Dating In this video Pepper Schwartz talks about the negatives of internet dating http://abavtooldev.pearsoncmg.com/sbx_videoplayer_v2/simpleviewer.php?projectID=MFL&clipID=schwartz_downside_idating.flv

Question 5 Men who prefer _______ complain that American women are too independent. Personal classified advertisements Mail-order brides Professional matchmakers Speed dating

Question 5 Men who prefer _______ complain that American women are too independent. Personal classified advertisements Mail-order brides Professional matchmakers Speed dating

Question 6 In speed dating singles attend an event, where they engage in a series of brief face-to-face interactions with potential romantic partners. True False

Question 6 In speed dating singles attend an event, where they engage in a series of brief face-to-face interactions with potential romantic partners. True False

Why We Choose Each Other: Some Mate-Selection Theories Filter theory: Homogamy and narrowing the marriage market Heterogamy: Expanding the marriage market Social exchange theory: Dating as give and take Equity theory: Dating as a search for egalitarian relationships

Egalitarian Daters/Traditionalist Dates The text discusses the aspects of dating and choosing partners http://view.ebookplus.pearsoncmg.com/ebook/linktoebook5.do?platform=1027&bookid=15318&pageid=1144

Filter Theory Filter theory: People sift eligible mates according to specific criteria Reduces the pool of potential partners to a small number of candidates Homogamy: Dating or marrying someone with similar social characteristics Propinquity: Geographic closeness Marriage market is limited by our culture and social structure. Physical appearance Research indicates that Men and women choose partners whose physical attractiveness is similar to their own. Halo effect - Assumption that physically attractive possess desirable social characteristics such as: Warmth Sexual responsiveness Kindness Poise Sociability and good character

Figure 8.1 - The Filter Theory of Mate Selection

Table 8.1 - U .S. Attitudes about Romance and Interracial Marriage among Blacks and Whites, 2011 Source: Based on data in Washington Post, 2012.

Figure 8.2 - Changes in Black–White Dating Behavior, 2006 and 2011 Overall, the percentage of Americans who have ever dated someone of another race has increased. Source: Based on data in Washington Post, 2012.

Heterogamy: Expanding the Marriage Market Dating or marrying someone with social characteristics that differ from your own Hypergamy: Marrying up to a higher social class Hypogamy: Marrying down in social class Interfaith relationships U.S. interfaith dating and marriages are more common. Interracial and interethnic relationships Interracial and interethnic marriage rates in the United States have risen.

Figure 8.3 - The Increase of Interracial Marriages in the United States Sources: Based on Lee and Edmonston, 2005, Figure 1; and Wang, 2012.

Figure 8.4 - Intermarriage Rates of Newlyweds, by Sex, Race, and Ethnicity, 2010 The percentage of newlyweds married to someone of a different race/ethnicity. Source: Wang, 2012: 9.

Social Exchange Theory People will begin a relationship if the rewards are higher than the costs Rewards Intrinsic characteristics, behaviors Access to desired resources Costs Unpleasant or destructive behavior Losses People weigh their rewards and costs in choosing dating partners.

Equity Theory Intimate relationship is satisfying and stable if both partners see it as equitable and mutually beneficial Judgments about equity vary depending on the stage of the relationship People tolerate inequity when a relationship becomes long-term commitment Equity theory advances several basic propositions The greater the perceived equity, the happier the relationship. The greater the inequity, the greater the distress. People in an inequitable relationship will attempt to eliminate their distress by restoring equity.

Question 7 _______ theory posits that people sift eligible mates according to specific criteria and thus reduce the pool of potential partners to a small number of candidates. Social exchange Filter Equity Propinquity

Question 7 _______ theory posits that people sift eligible mates according to specific criteria and thus reduce the pool of potential partners to a small number of candidates. Social exchange Filter Equity Propinquity

Question 8 Marrying up to a higher social class is known as hypogamy. True False

Question 8 Marrying up to a higher social class is known as hypogamy. True False

A Multicultural View Of Mate Selection Traditional and modern societies Heterogamy and homogamy Arranged marriages How mate-selection methods are changing

Mate Selection and Marriage Around the World The text talks about the various choices available for mate selection http://view.ebookplus.pearsoncmg.com/ebook/linktoebook5.do?platform=1027&bookid=15318&pageid=1023

Traditional and Modern Societies Wealth Dowry: Money, goods, or property a woman brings to a marriage Bride price: Required payment by the groom’s family to the bride’s family Child brides Violates international laws on women’s rights Even though the Indian government has outlawed the dowry system, it still flourishes. Bride price is criticized for treating women as property and for discouraging marriage among poor men. More than 25,000 girls a day are forcibly married before the age of 18, many as young as 9 years old.

Fishing for a Mate? Eligibility Characteristics in Alaska The content explores the sex-ratio in Alsaka http://www.socialexplorer.com/pearson/plink.aspx?dest=http%3a%2f%2fold.socialexplorer.com%2fpearson%2fspicemap.aspx%3fv%3d5c9908e9733949ae%26m%3dplay

Heterogamy and Homogamy Based on economic decisions Homogamy Ensures strong and continuing family ties Racist beliefs discourage people from seeking partners different skin colors Increases the chances of passing down diseases Heterogamy is thriving in many countries because: People don’t have prospective marriage mates in their own social group. Most marriages are based on economic decisions.

Arranged Marriages Parents help children find a suitable spouse, settle down, and have a family Increase solidarity between families, kinship groups, clans, and tribes Preferred in most developing countries Arranged marriages often involve marrying a first cousin as the top choice. In some societies, the penalties for dishonoring a family by refusing an arranged marriage are severe.

How Mate-Selection Methods Are Changing Countries in Asia and the Middle East are changing in how people meet and choose mates China and India are experiencing a glut of single men and a scarcity of single women People who live in cities often meet their mates in the same kinds of settings as Westerners. On college campuses, at parties, in public places, and increasingly via online dating sites. China China has responded to the preponderance of males by implementing some Western-style mate-selection methods, including newspaper and magazine ads and online dating sites. India Besides relying on paid matchmakers, India has scores of matrimonial websites that are similar to dating sites. Japan and South Korea To retain the loyalty of unmarried employees in the under-40 age bracket, several companies in Japan have engaged matrimony brokerage firms to act as matchmakers for those seeking a spouse. In South Korea, leading companies such as Samsung ask agencies to organize group blind dates as a benefit for single employees, and major banks vie for rich private customers by offering free matchmaking for their children. Other countries In some parts of Spain, the Dominican Republic, Ecuador, and Colombia, women are scarce because they’ve left home to work in cities. To help men find mates, some enterprising farmers have organized “Cupid crusades.” Iranian lawmakers are considering legalizing matchmaking websites because of a “marriage crisis.”

Question 9 Bride price is defined as the: Money, goods, or property a woman brings to a marriage. Required payment by the groom’s family to the bride’s family. Money, goods, or property a woman is given in a marriage. Required payment by the bride’s family to the groom’s family.

Question 9 Bride price is defined as the: Money, goods, or property a woman brings to a marriage. Required payment by the groom’s family to the bride’s family. Money, goods, or property a woman is given in a marriage. Required payment by the bride’s family to the groom’s family.

Question 10 Heterogamy refers to marrying inside one’s own family of kinship group. True False

Question 10 Heterogamy refers to marrying inside one’s own family of kinship group. True False

Harmful Dating Relationships: Power, Control, And Violence Power and control in dating relationships Prevalence of dating violence Factors contributing to date violence and date rape Some consequences of dating violence and date rape

Sexual Violence Billboards The video talks about the controversy on placing sexual violence billboards http://media.pearsoncmg.com/ph/hss/SSA_SHARED_MEDIA_1/sociology/videos/Apcontent/sexual_violence_billbd.html

Power and Control in Dating Relationships Principle of least interest - Partner who is less interested in the relationship has more power, and more control Person who is interested in continuing the relationship: Is more dependent Has less power Can be manipulated or exploited Men often maintain power and control during a dating relationship through direct strategies such as threats and aggression. Women more often use indirect strategies such as hinting, withdrawing, or attempting to manipulate a partner’s emotions.

Prevalence of Dating Violence Widespread Rarely a one time event Acquaintance rape: Unwanted and forced sexual intercourse of a person who knows or is familiar with the rapist Date rape: Unwanted, forced sexual intercourse in a dating situation Men are much more likely than women to use physical force and sexual aggression, but women can also be physically and emotionally abusive. Many women misinterpret the violence as evidence of love. The new definition includes men as victims; oral, anal, and vaginal penetration; and penetration by any body part or object.

Different Types of Partner Violence In this video Claire Renzetti talks about partner violence http://abavtooldev.pearsoncmg.com/sbx_videoplayer_v2/simpleviewer.php?projectID=MFL&clipID=renzetti_violence_differences.flv

Factors Contributing to Date Violence and Date Rape Parenting styles and family violence Gender roles Demographic characteristics Peer pressure and secrecy Use of alcohol and other drugs Technology Few negative sanctions Dating violence is most common among youth who have experienced harsh and minimal parenting, had poor relationships with their parents, and abused a sibling. Adopting traditional attitudes about gender roles increase the likelihood of date violence during both adolescence and adulthood. Date violence is more common in casual (25 percent) than exclusive (19 percent) relationships. Among dating couples aged 18 to 28, violence is more common when both partners: Have only a high school diploma. Have been dating longer than four years and there are children in the household. Are from different racial/ethnic groups. Peer pressure is one of the major reasons why some partners are violent and why many stay in abusive dating relationships. Secrecy protects abusers. Although they aren’t the cause, alcohol and drugs play a large role in sexual assaults, including dating. Technology has facilitated dating aggression. Very few women and men report dating violence because they grew up in violent homes, endorse traditional gender roles, see dating aggression as normal, or blame themselves if they or their partners were high on alcohol or other drugs.

Some Consequences of Dating Violence and Date Rape Adolescents victims experience adverse health outcomes in young adulthood More likely to be depressed and do poorly in school May engage in unhealthy behaviors More likely to have eating disorders Think about or attempt suicide Violence and rape violate both body and spirit; they can affect every aspect of the victim’s life.

Question 11 Which of the following factors contribute to date rape and violence? Parenting styles and family violence Gender roles Peer pressure and secrecy All of the above

Question 11 Which of the following factors contribute to date rape and violence? Parenting styles and family violence Gender roles Peer pressure and secrecy All of the above

Question 12 Date rape is defined as unwanted and forced sexual intercourse of a person who knows or is familiar with the rapist. True False

Question 12 Date rape is defined as unwanted and forced sexual intercourse of a person who knows or is familiar with the rapist. True False

Breaking Up Why do we break up? How do we react? Is breaking up healthy?

Why Do We Break Up? Individual reasons Structural reasons Communication problems and different interests Emotional and physical abuse Obsessive love and stalking Mismatched love and sexual needs Self-disclosure Disillusionment Infidelity and not making a commitment Structural reasons Moving away Economic recession Societal reactions Couples from different racial or ethnic and religious backgrounds Same-sex partners There are numerous reasons for breaking up dating and other intimate relationships that include both micro- and macro-level factors.

How Do We React? Common reactions Confusion Anger Men get over breakups more quickly than women People who have fewer resources to exchange in the marriage market are more upset by dating breakups than those who have many options because they’re self-confident, successful, or attractive. Effect of dumping or being dumped tends to be interpreted differently.

Is Breaking Up Healthy? Ending a bad relationship is relieving Provides opportunities to find a mate suitable for marriage or a long-term relationship Breaking up helps prevent and manage conflict escalation due to factors such as growing up in a violent home, low self-esteem, poor communication skills, and little ability in handling stress. Breaking up should probably occur more often than it does because most people don’t circulate enough before getting married. Breaking up opens up a larger pool of eligible and interesting partners as we mature, change, and become more self-confident.

Question 13 Which of the following is an individual reason for breakup? Moving away Economic recession Emotional and physical abuse Societal reactions

Question 13 Which of the following is an individual reason for breakup? Moving away Economic recession Emotional and physical abuse Societal reactions

Question 14 Confusion and anger are two of the most common reactions to breakups. True False

Question 14 Confusion and anger are two of the most common reactions to breakups. True False

Discussion Question Discuss how mate selection methods are changing across the following countries. China India Japan and South Korea