Supporting Children Who Take Us to the Ends of Your Rope…. Daniel Hodgins

Children with challenging behaviors are often looking for what they are good at… Adults often give attention to negative behaviors that challenging children are good at.

Chris is his Name Chris is his name and pushing is his game You can catch him pushing, in the sun and rain He is pushing high, and pushing low He is pushing, pushing, wherever he goes. So if you want some pushing and you don’t know what to do Just go ask Chris and he’ll help you.

What is Chris Good At? He is not bad at pushing, he is good at it!

A bully believes that “If you can’t be the best, I’ll be the worst”

When Faced with Challenging Behaviors Adults often: Perceive the behavior as deliberate noncompliance Attempt to “control” Neglect to address the needs of the child Engage in power struggles

Three Questions to Ask Yourself When Developing Discipline Techniques : What challenging behaviors bother me the most? What practices do I use most often with these challenging behaviors? What do I need to change to make my beliefs and practices decrease challenging behaviors?

What Challenging Behaviors bother me the most?

What strategies do I use with these behaviors that bother me?

Most Common Challenging Behaviors Reported by Teachers Biting Hitting or pinching Throwing objects Swearing Name calling Tattling Whining Refusing to share Disrupting circle time Running Throwing tantrums Non-participation

What Are the Major Causes of Challenging Behaviors?

Unclear Messages Saying What We Mean….

Boys often see the whole, but not always the details… Interpreting messages might be difficult Anne Moir, David Jessel

Most Common Unclear Messages: “use your inside voice” “use your walking feet” “be nice to your friends” “use kinder words” “in five more minutes, it will be time to clean up”

If the message is unclear to children, they will interpret it anyway they wish. The interpretation maybe completely different then the message sent….

Too Many Rules

Rules should be set up as “Guardrails” Setting up the environment so that children are guided with choices.

Guardrails need to be: Simple Have consistent follow through Pertain to the child’s stage of understanding Must be enforceable Individual not group

When we have group rules, egocentric children believe you are not talking to them. Ex. “boys and girls no running”

Rules that are often broken: “No running” “No hitting” “No taking toys from someone else” “No loud voices”

Why are we always asking children to use their “inside voices?” It’s not natural….

Eelly, Ally, OH The big ships sailing on the eely, ally, oh The eely, ally, oh, the eely, ally, oh. The big ships sailing on the eely, ally, oh. Hey OH, Eely, ally oh. Hoist up the sails, and pull in the rope, Pull in the rope, Pull in the rope. Hoist up the sails and pull in the rope Hey Oh, Pull in the Rope!

Rules: You may be under the spell from: Your family rules Your neighborhood rules Your school rules Your religion rules

What Are the Rules you had in your Childhood?

Rules from your Childhood “no elbows on the table” “eat everything off your plate, there are people starving in China” “no singing at the table” “were you born in a barn?” “what happens in this house stays in this house” “always wear clean underwear when you leave the house, because you never know when you are going to get in an accident”

To Follow Rules the following skills are needed: Skill 1 - sensitivity to the viewpoints of others Skill 2 - ability for mutual understanding Skill 3 - willingness to delay gratification Skill 4 - high degree of cooperation Hughes (1991)

A boy’s brain often develops from the back(doing to thinking) A girl’s brain often develops from the front(thinking to doing) Moir & Jessel

The girl’s frontal lobe often develops between the ages of 12 years and 16 years. Anne Moir

The boys frontal lobe development occurs around 19 years of age. Anne Moir

Children often cannot distinguish between right and wrong until their Frontal Lobe has fully developed.

Frontal Lobe Statements: “Make a better choice” “How would you like it if someone hit you?” “You don’t want to hurt your friends do you?” “Use your words, not your hands”

Expectations that cause Failure:

What Causes Failure? Competition Standing in lines Waiting my turn Asking children to share Expecting them to act like a little adult

Failure: When a child is placed in failure experiences he/she will do anything to avoid it. Even if that means getting hurt or hurting. Failure adds so much stress to the brain. Leo Toupin

“I can’t be a good looser, until I have lots of experiences feeling successful” Clare Cherry

Attention You can never get enough….

I get lots of Attention when I I scream I run I hit I throw tantrums I smile when I have done something you don’t like I say “make me, you are not my mom” I make enemies I make “all hell break loose”

Avoid “Use your words” “I don’t have them yet”…

Sharing means…I understand that somebody else has the same needs as me. I DON’T THINK SO!

Choosing Friends Choosing Friends If you are next to me, you are my friend. If you give me what I want, you are my friend.

Developmental Issues vs. Moral Issues

Typical Developmental Behaviors of Young Children Picking their nose Pushing/shoving Not listening Taking toys

Keep the strategy that you use with children at their developmental level. Avoid a strategy that uses a moral implication. Their brains are not set up to receive it yet.

You Assume I CARE!

Adults must learn to be less egocentric then the child. Bev Bos

“I Bring What I Got” Rules? Values? Relationships? Communication patterns? Manners? Behavior patterns?

What children bring to your environment Might be different then what you bring…..

Stages of Social Play Parten Solitary Play Parallel Play Onlooker Play Associative Play Cooperative Play

We must plan experiences that fit all stages of social play

Not all children are “ready” for a group experience. Social skills for some children take a long time…Placing them in a group doesn’t mean they will become part of it….

Are there other options? One on One Small clusters Less distractions “Caves”

Strategies for Success:

Look at Transitions These times are very difficult for the challenging child……

Transitions: Limit the number of times all children have to transition between one activity and another Minimize wait time Warn children in advance Avoid lines Provide children with something to do during transition times

Avoid Activities that are not Relevant to Children When they are bored they will create their own experiences. Some of which are not what teachers want.

What is not relevant to children under the age of five: The Date, Month and Year Colors Shapes Numbers Manners

What is Relevant to Children? Not Relevant Date Colors Shapes Numbers Manners Relevant

If information is not relevant it will be pruned from the brain within five minutes…. Ken Horn

Teachers have been reported to spend 71% of the day teaching information that is not relevant. David Elkind

Most strategies for children will be forgotten within five minutes: “walk, walk” “flush the toilet” “stop your running, you will get hurt”

Practices that fit what we know about children They like to run They sometimes like to use an “outside voice” They don’t share well They like to be physical

New Rules for Challenging Children: Be Loud Run a lot Try not to share Talk a lot Look at it before you flush it

Do teachers give the message that loud children are not as good as quiet children?

Baby Shark Baby shark, doot, doot, doot, doot Baby shark, Mama shark doot, doot, doot, doot Mama shark Daddy shark, doot, doot, doot, doot Daddy shark Grandpa shark, doot, doot, doot, doot Grandpa shark Sharks swim, doot, doot, doot, doot Sharks swim Sharks ATTACK, ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Elements that Enhance Children’s Well Being: Places for investigating and exploring A space they can call their own Hiding places A place to get higher Digging to China Having enough Water everywhere No clutter on the walls

Children’s Well Being Elements Investigating space Space of their own Hiding places How to get higher Digging spaces Having enough Water everywhere Wall space clutter Changes

Share Soothing Skills: Massage Sucking Music Rocking Water Others?

A Child who is in Distress, often doesn’t recognize the feelings of others…. They will need “coaching”

Emotional Regulation Includes the ability to demonstrate a range of emotions and to react in appropriate ways in emotional situations….

Children who lack emotional regulation Portray few emotions Show signs of depression May cry excessively Have difficulty coping May worry excessively Engage in challenging behaviors Wittmer, Doll & Sation, 1996

Help Children focus on Solutions: Take hands firmly Ask them to state what they see as the problem Give chance for disagreements Ask for solutions Try it out Review how it is working

What is the Challenging Child Communicating to You? “You are asking me to do something that is too difficult?” “I cannot cope with being a part of the group right now?” “I want that toy, but don’t know how to ask for it?” “I’m bored, are you paying attention?” “I’m not comfortable sitting here so long?” “I cannot believe that you are asking me to share you with the other children?”

Facilitating Problem Solving Steps: Use puppets for role play Use children’s literature Use pictures/posters Create solution lists with children Act out make believe problems Tell stories Class meetings for older children

Children’s Books The Terrible Thing That Happened at my House, M. Blaine The Grouchy Ladybug, E. Carle Three Wishes, L. Clifton It’s Mine, L. Lionni The True Story of the Three Little Pigs, J. Scieszki Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible No Good Bad Day, J. Viorst The Hating Book, C. Zolotow

Focus always on what you want them to do: NOT TO DO “stop hitting your friends, they don’t like it when you do that” “we don’t take toys away from others” “what is the magic word?” “stop running, you might fall and get hurt” “it isn’t nice to call are friends names” DO

The more opportunities we give children to attain power The less they will need to create negative behaviors. Every species is looking for power.

What is a Power Struggle? An Individuals Need for CONTROL

When do power struggles occur most often? Mealtimes Clean up times When you are in a hurry Whenever anyone is angry Naptimes When sharing is forced Adults asking for something to be done All the time for some children….

Notice how often these are times that are teacher directed and often teacher controlled….

Power Builders: Moveable parts Choices Roughhousing Being louder Healthy bullying Construction Pounding Getting higher Singing Movement

What “Real” Choices do children have? Do I have to come to circle time? Do I have to sit down to eat? Do I have to pick up toys by myself? Do I have to always do what you tell me?

Look at how much time during the day is child-choice Vs. Adult Choice?

Children who wish to attain POWER are looking for you, to push your buttons…. Choose not to let that happen.

Ask Yourself: Do you have any control over it? Can you do anything about it? Is it really that bad? Will the world end, if I don’t step in?

Sometimes you just need to GET OVER IT!

If you don’t want superhero or gun play What will you replace it with that is just as powerful?

There has been NO evidence that “Zero Tolerance” policies have Decreased violence…..

When young children pretend “gun play” They are not practicing to be “Killers” they are just trying to find who has the POWER!

Allow Risk Taking Non Risks “Only build as high as your eyes” “Go up the ladder and down the slide” “Be careful” “You can hurt someone” Risk “Wow, look how high it is getting” “Go up the slide and down the ladder” “Hang on with both hands” “Stand back everyone”

How will you celebrate the Active Child?

Celebrating the Active Child: Activity Meal time Small Group Nap time Large Group Arrival/Departure Change

Active Body, Active Mind “If the body isn’t moving, I don’t understand anything” “Sitting is not natural” “Sitting Criss-Cross applesauce or the Pretzel style is not healthy”

How often are children sitting down during the day?

Bring Back Roughhousing Red Rover, Red Rover Ring Around the Rosie London Bridge Kick the Can Billy Goat Gruff Arm Wrestling Tag Tug of War

Ask Yourself: Is it an unmet need? Is it a lack of skill? Is it a lack of fit?

Jack and Carl Jacob and Carl were pretending to “chain saw” tables, chairs, easels and children’s arms. They were running around the room making “chain saw” like noises. The teacher goes up to them and says, “boys you need to choose another game”. Jacob and Carl ran away and started to “chain saw” Sarah’s neck. Sarah yelled, “get out of here”. The boys laughed and said, “we are going to kill you with our “chain saw”. Sara screamed, “teacher they are trying to kill me”. The boys ran away and hid under the table.

Always focus on the child that has the problem, Not the child who is causing the problem….

Why Punishment Fails? It makes children mad It models the use of power It eventually loses its effectiveness It erodes our relationship with children It distracts children from the important issues It makes children more self-centered

Remember on Monday, you will only have control of yourself…. What Changes Will You Make?

Consider the Following Questions: What do you know about the child’s history? What is the child’s behavior that most concerns you? What changes in the environment could you make? What positive guidance techniques can I use? How can I help the child feel a sense of belonging? What can I do to help the child manage anger? How can I engage the family? What do I have to change in myself?

Climate of Trust: Somebody is listening to me Somebody is encouraging me Somebody accepts my uniqueness

When Children Leave your Program, What Memories will they have?

Further Readings: Bos, B. Chapman, J. Tumbling Over the Edge Cherry, C. Please Don’t Sit on the Kids Chairk, J. Time In: When Time Out Doesn’t Work Gartrell, D. Guidance Approach for Encouraging Classrooms Kostelnik, M.J. Whiren, A.P Soderman A. K. Stein, L & Gregory K. Guiding Children’s Social Development Letts, N. Creating a Caring Environment Oehlberg, B. Making it Better Reynolds, E. Guiding Young Children Rice, J. A. The Kindness Curriculum Smith, C. A. The Peaceful Classroom