VIBS Family Violence & Rape Crisis Center www.vibs.org The college guide VIBS Family Violence & Rape Crisis Center www.vibs.org

Vibs services Counseling Advocacy SANE Program ERC Program Children Adolescents Adults Elder Abuse Advocacy Legal Service SANE Program ERC Program Community Education HALT 24/7 Hotline (631) 360-3606 www.vibs.org

What is a healthy relationship? A healthy relationship means that both you and your partner are: Communicating Respectful Trusting Honest Equal Enjoy Personal Space Make consensual sexual decisions Communicating- You talk openly about problems without shouting or yelling. You listen to one another, hear each other out, respect each other’s opinions, and are willing to compromise. Respectful- You value each other as you are. Culture, beliefs, opinions and boundaries are valued. You treat each other in a way that demonstrates the high esteem you hold for one another. Trusting- You both trust each other, and the trust has been earned. Honest- You are both honest with each other but can still choose to keep certain things private. For example, you both know that it is important to be honest about things that affect or involve the relationship and still know that it is also ok to keep certain things private. Equal- You make decisions together and you hold each other to the same standards. Enjoy Personal Space- You both enjoy spending time apart and respect when one of you voices a need for space. Make consensual sexual decisions- You talk openly about sexual decisions together. You both consent to sexual activity and can talk about what is ok and what isn’t. If you’re having sex you talk about possible consequences together, such as pregnancy or STD’s. You decide together how to address these things, such as through condoms and other birth control methods.

What is an unhealthy relationship? An unhealthy relationship starts when even just one of you is: Not communicating Disrespectful Not trusting Dishonest Trying to take control Feeling smothered or forgetting to spend time with others Pressuring the other into sexual activity or ignoring consequences Not communicating- Problems are not discussed calmly, or not talked about at all. You don’t listen to each other or try to compromise. Disrespectful- One or both partners are inconsiderate toward the other. One or both partners don’t treat each other in a way that shows they care. Not trusting- There is suspicion that your partner is doing things behind your back, or your partner is suspicious of your loyalty without reason. Dishonest- One or both partners are telling lies to each other. Trying to take control- One or both partners sees their desires or decisions as more important. One or both partners is focused only on getting their own way. Feeling smothered or forgetting to spend time with others- So much time is spent together that one partner is beginning to feel uncomfortable. Or sometimes both partners spend so much time together that they ignore friends, family or other things that used to be important to them. Pressuring the other into sexual activity or ignoring consequences- One partner is trying to convince the other that the relationship should become more sexual. Or both partners are consensually sexually active with each other but aren’t addressing the possible consequences.

What is an abusive relationship? An abusive relationship starts when just one of you: Communicates abusively Is disrespectful through abuse Falsely accuses the other or flirting or cheating Doesn’t take responsibility for the abuse Controls the other partner Isolates the other partner Forces sexual activity An abusive relationship starts when just one of you… Communicates abusively- During disagreements there is screaming, cussing, or threatening, or these things happen even when there is no argument. A partner is demeaning or insulting toward the other. Is disrespectful through abuse- A partner intentionally and continuously disregards your feelings and physical safety. Falsely accuses the other of flirting or cheating- A partner suspects flirting or cheating without reason and accuses the other, often harming their partner verbally or physically as a result. Doesn’t take responsibility for the abuse- The violent or verbally abusive partner denies or minimizes their actions. They try to blame the other for the harm they’re doing. Controls the other partner- There is no equality in the relationship. What one partner says goes, and if the other partner tries to change this there is increased abuse. Isolates the other partner- One partner controls where the other one goes, who the other partner sees and talks to. The other partner has no personal space and is often isolated from other people altogether. Forces sexual activity- The how, when, and where of sexual activity is determined by only one partner. Threats and violence are used prior to or during sexual activity.

Dating violence 101 Dating (domestic) violence is a pattern of behavior used to establish power and control over another person through fear and intimidation. It can occur within intimate relationships, and abusers can be spouses, partners, boyfriends/girlfriends, family members, or caregivers. Dating violence can be physical, sexual, emotional, economic, or psychological actions or threats of actions that influence another person.

Types of abuse Verbal/emotional abuse Psychological abuse Abuse of “male privilege” Jealously & isolation Destruction of personal property Threats & intimidation Sexual abuse Physical abuse Financial abuse

Dating violence facts Dating violence follows a pattern that alternates between caring behaviors that reinforce the relationship and violent behaviors that intimidate the victim. It is often consistent and escalates over time. It is caused by the perpetrator, not the victim or the relationship It can take on many different forms (physical, emotional, sexual, financial, etc.) It occurs without regard to race, age, class, culture, economic status, disability, gender, income, sexual preference, or education level.

Cycle of violence Honeymoon Tension building Violent incident

Warning signs of a potential abuser Someone who: shows little or no respect for your wishes or opinions makes you nervous when you are around them tries to isolate you is extremely jealous or possessive humiliates you in front of friends and family demands to know where you are at all times has a history of abuse in their family or past relationships

Some important facts Dating violence is not: Caused by drug and alcohol use Caused by stressful events The victim’s fault Victims of dating violence are not weak. They do not provoke or enjoy the violence. The signs of an abuser are not always easy to see. Abusive behavior does not get better over time, even when serious promises are made. Extreme jealousy is not a sign that someone really loves you. It is not easy to leave an abusive partner.

Signs that someone may be in an abusive relationship Physical injuries Change in style of clothing or makeup Difficulty making decisions and loss of confidence Isolation Quits school activities Decline in grades Alcohol or drug use

Help is available If you or a friend are in an abusive relationship: Talk to someone you trust Call VIBS hotline for information, support, and services If you are in immediate danger call 911 Remember that no one deserves to be abused. Abuse is never the victims fault. Believe, try to be non-judgmental, and offer support to friends.

Questions

Rape and sexual assault 101 Rape: unwanted (without consent) or forced sexual intercourse to include some type of penetration, however slight. This would include vaginal penetration or anal penetration. Sexual Assault: an umbrella term used to describe a range of offensive behavior that may or may not be considered criminal under New York State Law. It includes sexual harassment, sodomy, incest, and sexual abuse.

Consent in new york A person cannot give consent if: They are under 17. They are mentally disabled or incapacitated. They are physically helpless. They are in the care of a correctional facility, a healthcare setting, or a child welfare agency. Lack of consent results from: Forcible compulsion. Incapacity to consent by being asleep, unconscious, or legally intoxicated. A clear expression of NO that a reasonable person should understand.

Rape and sexual assault myths Women get raped because they are wearing short skirts and low cut shirts. Rape is about sex and is committed by men who are sexually frustrated. Individuals cannot be raped by their partners, husbands, or wives. Men cannot be raped. ALL OF THESE ARE FALSE!

Types of rape Acquaintance Rape Partner Rape Stranger Rape Acquaintance assault involves coercive sexual activities that occur against a person's will by means of force, violence, duress, or fear of bodily injury. These sexual activities are imposed upon them by someone they know (a friend, date, acquaintance, etc.). Partner Rape Sexual acts committed without a person's consent and/or against a person's will when the perpetrator is the individual's current partner (married or not), previous partner, or co-habitator. Stranger Rape Sexual assault committed by a perpetrator the victim does not know. There are 3 types. Blitz Contact Home Invasion

Drug facilitated sexual assault Any type of sexual assault can be drug facilitated. Drug facilitated sexual assault occurs when a person administers drugs or alcohol to a person, without consent, with the intention of committing a sexual act. There are several New York state criminal statues that deal specifically with drug facilitated sexual assault. Facilitating a Sex Offense with a Controlled Substance: Administering a controlled substance to another person without consent, and with intent to commit a felony sex crime, and committing or attempting to commit a sex offense- Class D Felony Rape 2nd: Intercourse with someone incapable of giving consent (mentally disabled or incapacitated, physically helpless)- Class D Felony

“Date rape” drugs Alcohol is the most common “date rape” drug. Alcohol also amplifies the effect of other “date rape” drugs. Other “date rape” drugs include GHB, Ketamine, Rohypnol, and MDMA. Currently, prescription and over-the-counter drugs are quickly becoming the drugs of choice for date rapists. Ambien, Benadryl, Valium, Xanax, etc. Many date rape drugs metabolize extremely quickly in the body. They will not show up on routine toxicology screens.

Sane centers SANE (Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner) program is a collaborative effort between the Suffolk County Police Department, the District Attorney’s Office, Health Care Providers, and the VIBS Family Violence & Rape Crisis Center. The primary mission is to provide immediate, compassionate, culturally sensitive, and comprehensive forensic evaluation and treatment by specially trained sexual assault forensic examiners in a private, supportive setting for all victims of sexual assault, whether or not they choose to report to law enforcement. SANE Centers in Suffolk County: Good Samaritan Hospital Stony Brook University Medical Center Peconic Bay Medical Center

Options after a sexual assault Do not shower, clean up the area, or put anything into your mouth. Go directly to a hospital or SANE center for medical attention, even if you feel medically okay. Call VIBS for an ERC, counseling, advocacy, or just to talk. Take care of yourself. The rape was not your fault. Surround yourself with people who are supportive. Call the police- this does not mean that you have to press charges.

After a sexual assault There are many physical and emotional reactions that a person may experience after a sexual assault. Rape Trauma Syndrome: Acute Phase: Disorganization: marked by fear and physical symptoms (1-6 months, often overlaps into long-term phase). Long Term: Reorganization: individual begins to regain feelings of control. (6-12 months or longer). Everyone reacts differently, and no reaction is wrong. Counseling can help victims to work through the emotions brought about by a sexual assault.

Thank you! Questions? Our hotline is available 24/7 to answer questions and to provide support and referrals. (631) 360-3730 www.vibs.org