Emotionally Intelligent Consent Ed Karen B. K. Chan @karenbkchan fluidexchange.org

Emotional Intelligence Emotions are: Signals Logical Not positive or negative Complex, contradictory Motivators for actions & choice

Emotional Intelligence Key Tools: Recognizing emotional reality Naming emotions Equanimity – suspending evaluation Empathy Expression Regulation

Photo of a child “Sharing makes me sad”

Consent is sexy. And…? You can’t tell someone how to feel Saying no is hard Saying yes is hard (as is asking)

Photo of a clear road leading to mountains Photo of a large rock blocking a clear road “Sexual consent is easy, sexy, simple. Do it!” “Sexual consent can be challenging, awkward, new. And it leads to a good place”

Photo of a lit up road sign saying “PUT IT DOWN”

Photo of a lit up road sign saying “STOP TEXTING AND DRIVING”

Tell them what to do instead What needs were met before? Realistic options that address needs Ask: How will you meet your need given this new information?

Photo of a lit up road sign saying DON’T TEXT ------------- TEXT STOP 5 MILES

Tell them you know what they think of you Start where they are Escort them from A to B You may think this is ridiculous More people do it than you think Do it

Tell them you know what they think of others Perceived norm (perception of others) Actual norm (self-report) 4500 students. I would respect someone who intervened to prevent sexual assault. Most students at my school would respect someone who intervened to prevent a sexual assault. I would feel comfortable intervening if I witnessed abusive behavior. Most students at my school would feel comfortable intervening if they witnessed abusive behavior. Haven Impact Report. Kansas State University. 2014.

Tell them you know what they think of others More people do it than you think You might think… You might be feeling… Many people worry… Some parents would say… Teenagers generally want… I know you’re thinking… You are going to say… Everyone knows… No parent likes to feel… Teenagers want… 4500 students. I would respect someone who intervened to prevent sexual assault. Most students at my school would respect someone who intervened to prevent a sexual assault. I would feel comfortable intervening if I witnessed abusive behavior. Most students at my school would feel comfortable intervening if they witnessed abusive behavior.

Everyone has to get used to it Asking is new, answering is also new Recognize patriarchal dynamic (one up, one down) Recognize chronic inappropriate sexual boundaries as part of gender roles

We need to highlight the role women play in perpetuating and sustaining patriarchal culture so that we will recognize patriarchy as a system women and men support equally, even if men receive more rewards from that system. Dismantling and changing patriarchal culture is work that men and women must do together. bell hooks

Connect with masculinity Social connections are important Articulate pressures and pains Humanize masculine people The right to say no Articulate aspirations

“Someone who can’t take REJECTION ”

Build rejection resilience Seeking consent = possible rejection Like physical pain Sexual realms represent self worth Healthy relationship to this pain? Masculinity’s relationship to pain

Start with rejection literacy Name it Notice it “Panic zone” reactions mask rejection Insecurity requires attention and care Attack others Attack self Withdraw Freeze/ Avoid

Anger prevents love and isolates the one who is angry Anger prevents love and isolates the one who is angry. It is an attempt, often successful, to push away what is most longed for—companionship and understanding. It is a denial of the humanness of others, as well as a denial of your own humanness. bell hooks

Cultivate guilt resilience Not only how to set boundaries Tolerating guilt, witnessing reaction Panic zone reactions Attack others Freeze/ Avoid Withdraw Attack self Is what is missing the information that we “can say no”???

Make room for regret etc. Regret vs. Nonconsent Awkwardness, confusion, and emptiness REGRETFUL DISAPPOINTED EMBARASSED HAPPY CONFUSED DESIRED WANTED DURING 8 65 6 17 AFTER 35 27 11 2 Paul and Hayes. 2002. The casualties of casual sex.

Create space for accountability Who might be a perpetrator? Accountability allows for healing, letting go What to do if you’ve hurt someone Me. Story: “is someone coming?”

Thank you! @karenbkchan fluidexchange.org