1. How to get your kid to say anything other than “fine” when you asked them how their day was at school.
Using the “Growth Mindset” to enable your child to feel comfortable discussing their lives with you.
Michael Uram, MA, LMFT, LPCC
A Copy of this presentation is available at michaeluram.com

2. What is the Growth Mindset?
In a growth mindset, people believe that their most basic abilities can be developed through dedication and hard work—brains and talent are just the starting point. This view creates a love of learning and a resilience that is essential for great accomplishment. Virtually all great people have had these qualities.
Teaching a growth mindset creates motivation and productivity in the worlds of business, education, and sports. It enhances relationships. When you read the book Mindset, you’ll see how.
How to test your own Mindset: .php
What is the Growth Mindset?

3. Can I change my or my child’s Mindset?
Yes, it all depends on how much you are willing to change your narrative of your daily activities.
Let’s review the 4 Steps to Change in the Handout provided.
“Carol Dweck Clarifies the Growth Mindset as the Approach is widely adopted in Educational Settings”: -dweck-revisits-the-growth-mindset.html
Can I change my or my child’s Mindset?

4. How do I get them to talk…
Let go of your need to give suggestions or advice. This is the primary reason that children do not share.
Prepare for the interview like a journalist would
Use open ended emotion-based questions
Give them as much attention as you can without being intense
Use language that encourages them to give details
Use Growth Mindset language to melt their resistance to share with you.
How do I get them to talk…

5. Let go of your need to give suggestions or advice
Most kids believe that their parents give unsolicited advice all too often.
Let go of your need to give suggestions or advice

6. Use the skills that successful Journalists use
Prepare carefully, familiarizing yourself with as much background as possible.
Establish a relationship with the source conducive to obtaining information.
Ask questions that are relevant to the source and that induce the source to talk.
Listen and watch attentively.
Adapted from the Four Principles of Interviewing, Columbia University
cherIntv1.html
Use the skills that successful Journalists use

7. “The Steady denial of feelings can confuse and enrage kids
“The Steady denial of feelings can confuse and enrage kids. Also teaches them not to know what their feelings are – not to trust them” – How to talk so kids will listen and how to listen so kids will talk. – Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
The Value of Emotions

8. Use Open Ended Emotion-Based Questions
Kids respond better to specific questions much more than generic logical questions.
E.g. “What feeling did you have when the math test was over?”
Stick to the five basic emotions for Elementary age kids, like the movie “Inside Out” – Joy, Sadness, Fear, Anger, Disgust: Paul Ekman’s guide to the movie is listed below
Use more complicated Emotional Language and scaling questions for Adolescents – e.g. Frustrated, Irritated, Rejected,
Use Open Ended Emotion-Based Questions

9. Be Patient with their storytelling skills…

10. Have you filled a bucket today?
Build up their self esteem and confidence through simple and specific observations
Many IUSD students have read “Have you filled a Bucket Today?”, and will relate to this reference.
“You love your mom and dad. Why not tell them you love them? You can even tell them why. Your caring words will fill their buckets with joy.” – Page 19
I suggest using the same advice for our kids. Be very specific why you love them. Point out behaviors that they have done that you observed that lead you to feel love towards them that day.
It means much more to them than the generic “Love You’s” that we usually give them each day.
Have you filled a bucket today?

11. Yeah, I’m not so sure that they will listen to me…

12. Talk to them in a nonjudgmental understanding manner
Without threat of consequences if they do not listen.
Speak in short sentences with clear language
Check in with them often whether they understand
Allow them to interrupt, sometimes excessively
Realize that we need to meet them where they are at and build up from there rather than try to convince them of our perspective
Kids listen when we…

13. If we don’t know what is going on in their life.
We miss out on the fun stories
We lead separate lives to some degree
We don’t enjoy our kids as much as we want to
We are a bit sad
We may not know that they are sad, anxious, angry
They make choices without our input
They let others influence them more than us.
If we don’t know what is going on in their life.