What is the Parent You Mean to Be? How do you accomplish this? What themes emerged from the reading that resonated with you?

What are your expectations for your child?

Social and Emotional Development 3-4 years Follow a series of simple directions Children become more interested in other children. Share toys, taking turns with assistance Initiate or join in play with other children and make up games 4-5 years Children are more aware of themselves as individuals. Very interested in relationships with other children Exploring ideas about fairness and good or bad behavior Compare themselves with others Develop friendships Express more awareness of other people's feelings

Are our expectations realistic? By setting limits for children, you help them learn self-regulation Inner control is being formed and practiced each time decisions are made. Set clear limits, provide simple explanations, and be consistent about rules/consequences. Children need practice building their frustration tolerance, so provide opportunities for children to make their own choices. When you give a young child a choice, honor their decision. Helping them stick to decisions can be difficult, but it is important for children to experience the consequences of their choices. Remember: not everything is negotiable and sometimes adults have to say "no."

Set yourself up for success Physical aggression (pushing, hitting, throwing) is very common in the early years. Very often, episodes of aggression can be prevented before they begin. When possible, alert children before transitions, such as the end of playtime, leaving an outing, or the arrival or departure of guests. Rewarding desired behavior will help children learn what is expected of them. (catch them “doing good”) When trouble repeats itself, analyze the situation and make changes that get to the root of the problem. Have as few rules as possible, but make the ones you do have stick. Be persistent because it often takes repeated experience for learning to take place.

Teach children problem-solving skills How do you know when children should be allowed to handle the situation themselves? Ask yourself: If this continues, what is the likelihood that someone will get hurt or something will be damaged? Talk about why it is important to be patient, share, and respect others’ rights. Pick battles carefully so there is limited nagging and maximized respect while children build confidence in their ability to make decisions. Ask “what if…” or “how could we solve this” questions to develop problem-solving skills. Teach them to learn from criticism. Ask “how could you do that differently next time?”

Recognizing Your Flashpoints In difficult moments with children, it is not necessary to pretend to be okay when you're really angry. Talk about your feelings with children as you feel your anger mounting. If you feel that you might be too angry to make a good decision, wait for a few minutes and think it over before you respond.

The Parents We Mean to Be What do you do when your children fail to meet your expectations?

When your child fails to meet your expectations Discipline should concentrate on learning. Shame is never a good strategy

Tips for Effective Parenting Trust your child to do the right thing within the limits of your child’s age and stage of development Make sure what you ask for is reasonable Speak to your child as you would want to be spoken to if someone were reprimanding you. Don’t resort to name-calling, yelling, or disrespect. Be clear in what you mean. Be firm and specific. Model positive behavior. “Do as I say, not as I do.” seldom works. Allow for negotiation and flexibility, which can help build your child’s social skills. Let your child experience the consequence of his behavior. Whenever possible, consequences should be delivered immediately, should relate to the rule broken, and be short enough in duration that you can move on again to emphasize the positives Consequences should be fair and appropriate to the child’s age. Tips taken from the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry Website

Take Aways You need to be clear in communicating your expectations. Consequences for misbehavior need to be logical, immediate, and consistent. Be aware that failure to be consistent also teaches a lesson, one which you most probably do not want your child to learn. Shaming should be avoided. Always remember that discipline comes from a place of love and its object is to teach.

The Story of Mary What should Mary’s parents do?

Teaching and Repairing the Harm What happened? Who was affected? How? What can you do to make things better?

Expectations and Relationships TOO Punitive With Teaching None Absent For Permissive Expectations Relationships

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