Cultivating authenticity and passion : class 2 THE ART OF DESIRE Cultivating authenticity and passion : class 2

WHAT IS YOUR RELATIONSHIP TO DESIRE? LDS women’s responses: Repression Fear Guilt Control

From The MORMON CHANNEL “You Never Know” VIDEO CLIPS From The MORMON CHANNEL “You Never Know”

DISCUSSION If the main character’s generous acts are freely chosen, why is she angry about her own choices at the end of the day? What is motivating her choices? What does her behavior tell us about what she wants (her desires)?

Pursuit of validation (expressed as self-sacrifice). Does she want to be seen as good? Does she want others to be happy (with her)? Does she want to be seen as powerful, able, flawless? (This woman has desires).

SELF-SACRIFICE vs. GOODNESS Are these desires a function of goodness? The pursuit of others’ validation (expressed as self-sacrifice) is not the same as goodness In fact, it’s an expression of self-preoccupation – (Preoccupation with others’ perception of you.)

Sacrifice is the backbone of solid relationships. SACRIFICE AS GOODNESS Sacrifice is the backbone of solid relationships. (Noble) Sacrifice: Accrues to the benefit of those we love, and it does not undermine us either. (All are better for it). Unholy sacrifice : Self-betraying or undermining of the development of others.

Our sense of self strongly determines how we relate to desire. SELF-hood and desire Our sense of self strongly determines how we relate to desire.

TWO HUMAN NEEDS DEPENDENCY NEEDS: We all have the need to belong to others. (Need for connection). AUTONOMY NEEDS: We all have the need to belong to ourselves (Need for self-development). If we have a weak sense of self, two needs will be in competition with one another.

REFLECTED SENSE OF SELF Earliest sense of self: Inherently dependent on others to develop an identity. Sense of self is dependent on how others view you. (I cannot feel worthy unless you see me worthy.)

SOLID SENSE OF SELF Hallmark of Adult Development No amount of validation can create this. Forged through self-knowledge Internal compass: Integrity Not swayed by the validation of others. Deep capacity to belong to oneself Deep capacity to belong to others

DEPENDENCY ON VALIDATION: We will do any of three things: 1. Accommodate others’ desires at the expense of our own. 2. Pressure others to accommodate to our desires. 3. Disengage from important relationships (to avoid the pressure of others’ desires).

VALIDATION AND DESIRE Your need for validation / approval shapes your relationship to desire: What do you pressure your spouse to validate in you? e.g. That you are their one and only, that you are essential to their happiness, that you are weaker than they are and need their help, that you can’t offer better sexually than you do? (Chat window). (Look for the areas that you get upset when they tell you differently).

How is this related to YOUR RELATIONSHIP TO DESIRE? MANY DIFFERENT EXPRESSIONS:

MASKING FOR VALIDATION Exposing our desires exposes ourselves. Prefer safety to passion Intimacy limited by our need for validation

DESIRE AND CONTROL Desire as exposure / vulnerability Desire vs. Being Desired Withholding as control / punishment

DESIRE AS SELF-BETRAYAL Pursuit of approval at your own expense. Elevating others validation over your self-respect. Self-sacrifice requires you to under-function.

LACK OF DESIRE and GOOD JUDGMEnt Sometimes non-desire (sexually)is a function of self-respect. Exploitation / use in the relationship. Like sex, but don’t like sex with this person because of how they treat you, use sex for themselves only, etc.

ASSIGNMENT: EXPLORING YOUR RELATIONSHIP TO VALIDATION AND DESIRE. NEXT WEEK: Desire as strength. Developing a solid sense of self. Physical and psychological factors in arousal.