The Inner Game of Assertiveness May 9-10, 2017 Tina Gilbertson, LPC

Aggressive ≠ Assertive

There’s no such thing as “too assertive.” It’s called aggressive. @TinaGilbertson

Aggressive language, anyone? You always… You never… What’s wrong with you? You should have known... You’re so… You’re such a… Why can’t you just… Why won’t you…

Aggressive language is about “YOU” YOU always… YOU never… What’s wrong with YOU? YOU should have known... YOU’re so… YOU’re such a… Why can’t YOU just… Why won’t YOU…

Rate yourself 4 10 2 7

Exercise: PM vs. Team Member YOU always… YOU never… What’s wrong with YOU? YOU should have known... YOU’re so… YOU’re such a… Why can’t YOU just… Why won’t YOU…

How to respond to aggressive language?

Responses to an aggressive style “It sounds like you would like …” “Are you saying you’d like me to … ?” “Would you like … ?”

Letting a situation play itself out when you could do something to improve it Remaining in jobs or relationships longer than desired Suffering in silence Waiting PASSIVE

A passive style is only a problem when it’s not optional. www.TinaGilbertson.com

Communication styles run in families.

Passive-Aggressive Definition: Getting your message across without stating it directly to the person involved Passive-Aggressive

Accepting an invitation they’d rather not, then not showing up. “I’m just joking!” “Fine. Whatever.” Passive-Aggressive

How to respond to passive aggression “What do you mean?” Ask about the specific behavior, and what it means.

Q & A ? A Q Q ? A ? A Q ?

“Want to have lunch with me next week?” I’d love to, but Susan asked me to have lunch with her next week and I’m not sure which day, so I’d have to get back to you but my phone isn’t working that well… PASSVE- AGGRSV No way. You’re just trying to butter me up! AGGRESSIVE A B ASSERTIVE PASSIVE C D No, I don’t think so. But thanks for asking. Sure.

How much of each? P A P-A Aggressive Passive-Aggressive Passive Assertive

Inner vs. Outer Game Outer Game Inner Game Words Actions Communication style Inner Game Emotions Self-image Beliefs

What do A, P, and P-A have in common?

Ownership

Who owns the message? You No one Message? What message? I do AGGRESSIVE PASSSIVE Message? What message? PASSIVE-AGRSV I do ASSERTIVE

How do I convey my message? I talk about YOUR behavior I don’t AGGRESSIVE PASSSIVE I state my message to the intended recipient(s) Indirectly PASSIVE-AGRSV ASSERTIVE

Ownership

Ownership Rewards & Risks Influence Stress Vulnerability Respect Responsibility Integrity

The Courage of Ownership Influence Responsibility

Being assertive is hard, but it often beats the alternative. @TinaGilbertson

Up Your Inner Game of Assertiveness (Use I-statements) Take ownership Don’t lead with compromise Simple & direct

Keys to Assertiveness Ownership Simple I-statements Direct

Q & A ? A Q Q ? A ? A Q ?

The Inner Game of Assertiveness Tina Gilbertson, LPC Web: www.TinaGilbertson.com Email: Tina@TinaGilbertson.com Tel: 303-875-5020