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Communicating assertively
Sue Duraikan Communicating assertively
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2 minutes to share…. One key learning point from online module on Communicating assertively One challenge you still face in communicating assertively
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Objectives Have a clearer idea of what it means to communicate assertively Be more confident to use assertive techniques in practice
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Assertiveness is….. …acting in a way that shows your self-respect and your respect for others …being able to stand up for your rights, wants, needs and opinions without denying those of others.
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Assertiveness starts in your head
Trigger Thoughts Feelings Behaviour
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Responding to aggression
That was a disaster. What were you thinking of? Look. We’re getting nowhere. Just let me talk to your boss. I hear what you’re saying, but we’ve got more important things to deal with right now.. You’re wrong about that.
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The psychological contract….
…..The perceptions of two parties as to what they expect of each other.
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Rights and responsibilities
To receive clear communication To refuse certain requests Responsibility: To act on it appropriately To give a clear reason for doing so
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7 types of assertion Basic assertion ‘As I see it…’
Consequence ‘Unless you.. I will..’ Negative feelings ‘I feel frustrated that… Discrepancy ‘We agreed that.. However..’ Roll with the punch ‘You’re right, that was careless of me.’ Probing ‘Why is that important to you?’ Empathy ‘I can see why you’re annoyed.’ Basic assertion ‘As I see it…’
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Making a request DO Be direct and concise Give reason for request
Respect their right to refuse DON’T Over- apologise Flatter and promise rewards Take refusal personally Try to wear them down!
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Making a request (DESO)
Describe the situation ‘The deadline for presenting the data is tomorrow.’ Express how you are feeling ‘I’m concerned that I haven’t seen your results yet.’ Specify what you would like to happen ‘Can you send me your results by 3 o’clock?’ Outcome ‘Then we can be sure of getting the data collated in time.’
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Refusing a request DO DON’T Be polite ‘Thank you for...’
Ask for more info or time Keep it short but friendly Repeat refusal Speak slowly, steadily, warmly DON’T Over- apologise Over-explain Ask permission to say no Hurt feelings
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Expressing your opinion
DO Relax Plan Rehearse Own your message: use ‘I’ statements Be open DON’T Undermine yourself Apologise Be dogmatic Bow to pressure
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Making an impact Verbal 7% Vocal 36% Visual 57%
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Passive-aggressive is…
Of course even if you are behaving assertively, there’s still the problem of the other person’s behaviour. Passive aggressive behaviour can be hard to deal with. Definition: When someone has aggressive feelings but is not comfortable with direct conflict. Instead they use indirect techniques to express their feelings eg. sulking, sarcasm, criticising behind your back, withdrawing cooperation, ignoring you, conveying message in writing rather than face to face. Characteristics: tense, lack of or too much eye contact, monotone voice. Clip from Comm assertively – how to deal with it
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Handling passive-aggression
DO Ask questions and listen Show you want to understand their perspective: ‘I seem to have upset you. Can you tell me what’s going on?’ Communicate clearly Focus on what you need Be prepared for the long haul! DON’T Be intimidated Focus on their behaviour Be impatient Blame yourself Take the bait May not be able to change it – aim is to focus on what you need. In longer term relationship, show by your communication style that you are listening, that you respect their opinions. Encourage more open communication.
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Handling aggression DO
Use split-second self-talk ‘Stay calm, I can handle this.’ Make time – sit down Aim to defuse: ask questions, listen, then communicate clearly Apologise if in error Seek help DON’T Be intimidated Focus on their behaviour Be impatient Deflect questions Invade their space Feel you have to let it continue
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Handling passive behaviour
Verbal Empathy Ask questions and listen Supportive, encouraging message Firm, clear message, repeated if necessary Vocal and visual Gentle tone Relaxed posture Supportive facial expression
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Your rights Their rights Self talk Visualise success Behaviour Outcome achieved Outcome avoided
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TED talks Fake it till you make it Fake it till you become it
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