Communicating in Interpersonal Relationships 7 Communicating in Interpersonal Relationships

Communicating in Interpersonal Relationships Basic Characteristics of Interpersonal Communication Intimacy, Interpersonal Relationships, and Communication Interpersonal Attraction Community and Relationship Development Maintaining Ongoing Intimacy through Responsible Self-Disclosure

Communicating in Interpersonal Relationships Relationships are created, expressed, altered, strengthened, weakened, postponed, reaffirmed, or terminated through communication

Basic Characteristics of Interpersonal Communication “The easiest kind of relationship for me is with 10,000 people. The hardest is with one.” —Joan Baez, singer

Basic Characteristics of Interpersonal Communication Interpersonal communication occurs when individuals treat each other as unique and interact in an individual or customized way

Basic Characteristics of Interpersonal Communication Interpersonal Communication Is Personalized The personalized nature of interpersonal communication reflects the responsiveness of the communicators to each other Interpersonal Communication Occurs in a Relationship Interpersonal messages are heavily influenced by the nature of the relationship between communicators

Basic Characteristics of Interpersonal Communication Interpersonal Communication Is Influenced by Culture and Gender Recognizing both the gendered expectations that we place on others and the ways that individuals vary in their interaction styles can help us meet our communication goals and accommodate the needs of others

Basic Characteristics of Interpersonal Communication Think It Over Learning From Relationships Can bad relationships also help us to become better people? What can you learn from the breakup of a relationship? How can a bad relationship hinder self-esteem?

Intimacy, Interpersonal Relationships, and Communication The nature of the communication varies greatly in mood, formality, and purpose depending on the closeness or level of intimacy in the relationship Intimate interpersonal relationships are characterized by high levels of trust, warmth, and affection Breadth refers to the width of the relationship, or how many different contexts communications experience with each other

Intimacy, Interpersonal Relationships, and Communication The nature of the communication varies greatly in mood, formality, and purpose depending on the closeness or level of intimacy in the relationship (continued) Depth of a relationship refers to the amount and type of interaction you have with another person Social penetration theory states that we disclose and discuss more personal information as our relationships become more intimate

Intimacy, Interpersonal Relationships, and Communication Figure 7-1. Social Penetration Theory To reach the intimate core of a relationship, you must first “peel away” the outer layers.

Interpersonal Attraction Exploring Communication Concepts Technology and Human Contact in Relationships What communication technologies do you use, and have they replaced face-to-face interactions? How can you increase the intimacy of your communication when using communication technologies? When might the use of e-mail or other technologies increase rather than decrease communication opportunities?

Interpersonal Attraction Liking Those Who Are Similar Interpersonal similarity occurs when we share common attitudes, values, habits, and communication styles with other members of a relationship Similarity also validates our view of the world

Interpersonal Attraction “It's only through our relations with others that we . . . Come to believe in our own capabilities and inner goodness.” —Joan Borysenko, psychotherapist and biologist

Interpersonal Attraction Liking Those Who Are Familiar Social proximity refers to “social closeness”; we are often attracted to people who live near us, belong to the same groups or organizations, or attend the same school At least two studies have verified that our relationships often emerge from those in close proximity

Interpersonal Attraction Applying Communication Concepts New Relationships How do interpersonal similarity and social proximity work together when forming new relationships? Why do people go on blind dates?

Interpersonal Attraction Liking Those We Find Attractive Physical attraction occurs when we are attracted to someone’s appearance through such attributes as facial features, height, body type, and hair color Attractiveness is the idealized appearance of physical attributes, what we visualize as the “perfect look”

Interpersonal Attraction Liking Those We Find Attractive As we get to know other people’s attitudes, beliefs, sense of humor, likes and dislikes, and other aspects of who they are, we often find them more attractive

Community and Relationship Development Stages of relationship development are patterns or life cycles that relationships pass through as they develop or deteriorate

Community and Relationship Development Coming Together Initiating involves meeting another person and initiating communication Experimenting stage is characterized by the exploration of mutual interests and circumstances Much of the experimenting stage involves the discovery of integrating topics, areas of common interest which both parties enjoy discussing Intensifying stage is represented by an increase in the breadth and depth of the relationship

Community and Relationship Development Figure 7-2. Stages of Relationship Development Relationships go through states of “coming together” and “coming apart.”

Community and Relationship Development Exploring Communication Concepts Who Says, “I Love You” First? Besides saying “I love you,” how can you tell if someone is committed to a relationship? Have you used secret tests to determine your partner’s commitment in a relationship? Did they work? Why might such indirect or secret tests be necessary?

Community and Relationship Development Coming Together (continued) Integrating—as relationships develop, the people in them may begin to integrate numerous activities, coordinate daily schedules, and develop common interests, attitudes, and values We also explicitly discuss the nature of our communication and engage in more metacommunication—communication about communication Bonding and Ongoing Intimacy occurs as we make long-term commitments to the relationship

Community and Relationship Development “Kindness and intelligence don't always deliver us from the pitfalls and traps; there are always failures of love, of will, of imagination. There is no way to take the danger out of human relationships.” —Barbara Harrison, writer

Community and Relationship Development Coming Apart Differentiation At a certain point in a relationship, we begin to take note of the differences that exist between our partner and ourselves Circumscribing If a relationship continues to deteriorate, we may begin to circumscribe it by reducing the breadth and depth of the relationship significantly

Community and Relationship Development Coming Apart (continued) Stagnating In this stage, interaction flattens out and stops growing in either direction Avoiding In the avoidance stage, the separation becomes physical as partners actively avoid any face-to-face contact Terminating In the terminating stage, we negotiate the end of the relationship

Community and Relationship Development Unique Developmental Patterns Every relationship develops in unique ways and follows different paths through the stages Turning points are particular events, feeling, or interactions that change the direction or intensity of a relationship

Maintaining Ongoing Intimacy through Responsible Self-Disclosure Self-disclosure is the act of revealing one’s personal thoughts, preferences, feelings, and experiences to another person within the context of an interpersonal relationship (Jourard 1964; Dindia and Fitzpatrick, 1997)

Maintaining Ongoing Intimacy through Responsible Self-Disclosure The Advantages of Self-Disclosure Builds trust Friend’s acceptance of your disclosure without reveling the information to others further justifies your trust and increases the likelihood of additional disclosure The Risks Inherent in Self-Disclosure Any disclosure of personal information makes you more vulnerable and raises the possibility of hurt feelings or even rejection

Maintaining Ongoing Intimacy through Responsible Self-Disclosure When is Self-Disclosure Appropriate? Choose the Appropriate Context for Disclosure Go slowly and Disclose Gradually as the Relationship Develops Respond in Kind Use Disclosure to Benefit the Relationship

Maintaining Ongoing Intimacy through Responsible Self-Disclosure Figure 7-3. Qualities of Responsible Self-Disclosure

Maintaining Ongoing Intimacy through Responsible Self-Disclosure “I think it is almost self-evident that you cannot love another person . . . Unless you know what (s)he needs. And you cannot know what (s)he needs unless (s)he tells you.” —Sidney M. Jourard, clinical psychologist

Summary Interpersonal communication is interaction among a small number of people and is characterized by more personal and individual communication than takes place in lager groups High levels of trust, warmth, and affection characterize an intimate relationship Interpersonal similarity, proximity, and physical attributes all affect the degree to which we are attracted to someone

Summary Through communication, we establish, maintain, and end relationships Self-disclosure can build trust and commitment in a relationship and is necessary, in some degree, to maintain ongoing intimacy