PMI-MN PDD September 16, 2015 Stop Avoiding Conflict and Crucial Conversations Presented by: Julie M. Kowalski Of Spizzerinctum Group LLC

Conflict

What is Conflict? A struggle for power, property, etc. strong disagreement between people, groups, etc., that results in often angry argument A difference that prevents agreement : disagreement between ideas, feelings, etc. Source:

Conflict

How We Foster Conflict Micro-managing Stirring the pot Dividing rather than uniting Overreacting Looking the other way Being dismissive Creating ill-defined expectations and responsibilities Hiring the right person for the wrong job Living in fix it mode Talking instead of listening Rescuing instead of coaching Denying shortfalls

Conflict Styles  Forcing/Competing - using formal authority or other power that you possess to satisfy your concerns without regard to the concerns of the party that you are in conflict with.  Accommodating/Harmonizing - allowing the other party to satisfy their concerns while neglecting your own.  Avoiding - not paying attention to the conflict and not taking any action to resolve it.  Compromising - attempting to resolve a conflict by identifying a solution that is partially satisfactory to both parties, but completely satisfactory to neither.  Collaborating - cooperating with the other party to understand their concerns and expressing your own concerns in an effort to find a mutually and completely satisfactory solution (win-win)

The Goal We Often Forget! Making conflict resolution the priority rather than winning or "being right."

Conflict Pendulum When people who don’t trust each other engage in debate, they are trying to win an argument. They aren’t usually listening to the other person’s ideas and then reconsidering their point of view. They’re figuring out how to manipulate the conversation and get what they want! The Conflict Pendulum Artificial Harmony Healthy/ Ideal Discussions Destructive Keeping peace Mean-Spirited Attacks

Words that can cause problems Sometimes In a timely manner As needed To my satisfaction A Few Several Often Frequently When you get a chance

Set the right tone with your opening statement “We need to talk,” never led anywhere productive. It usually means, “We need to talk about you and what’s wrong with you.” Open with …. “I need your help with something. Do you have a minute?” “Can I bounce an idea off you?” “I have a question for you.” “Hey can I tell you something I think will be helpful to us both?”

Make your initial statement and stop talking When the person you are confronting responds, allow them to respond. It's a human tendency, but don't make the mistake of adding to your initial statement, to further justify the statement

Beware of “but.” The word “but” negates whatever just came before it. Use “and” or “however”. There’s a big difference between “Yes, we only live once, but we need to save for retirement.” And “Yes, we only live once, AND we need to save for retirement.”

Agree with their disagreements “You’re right, getting stuff on Amazon is super convenient. I love not having to go to the store, too. And I’ve found that the one-click button is really driving up our credit card bill.””

State FACTS not Opinions A FACT can be proved TRUE or FALSE. An OPINION is what someone believes or thinks. There may or may not be a good reason to think this way. Words that give you clues that a statement is an opinion are believe, like, and should

What is a Crucial Conversation? A discussion between two or more people where: (1) stakes are high (2) opinions vary (3) emotions run strong Source: Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking when Stakes are High Patterson, Grenny, McMillan & Switzler

Examples of Crucial Conversations Ending a relationship Talking to a coworker who behaves offensively or makes suggestive comments Asking a friend to repay a loan Giving the boss feedback about her behavior Approaching a boss who is breaking his own safety or quality policies Critiquing a colleague's work Asking a roommate to move out Resolving custody or visitation issues with an ex- spouse

Steps to productive crucial conversations 1.Start with yourself What do you really want? / What are your intentions? (To Win? Get revenge? Build/destroy a relationship?) How can you say what you need to without coming across as demanding and self-righteous? How can you tell the truth and not insult anyone? How can you behave to demonstrate your true intent?

Steps to productive crucial conversations 2.Watch out for defensiveness & address it immediately Keep watching for defensive dialogue - verbal & non verbal If you or the other party strays into defensiveness, simply say “I think we’ve moved away from dialogue” or “I’m sorry, I’ve been trying to force my ideas on you.”

Steps to productive crucial conversations 3.Make it safe Ask questions that show interest in others’ views

Strategies Conducting Crucial Conversations Questions method  What would you like to see happen? What does that look like for you?  What would it take for us to be able to move forward? How do we get there?  Are you willing to share the impact this has had on you? Are you willing to hear my perspective?  What ideas do you have that would meet both our needs?  Can you tell me more about that?  What about this situation is most troubling to you?  What’s most important to you?

Step up to the Challenge of Managing Conflict and Conducting Crucial Conversations “Don’t be afraid of opposition. Remember, a kite rises against, not with, the wind.” -Hamilton Wright Mabie

THANK YOU Thank YOU for allowing me the privilege of spending this time with you! It has certainly been my pleasure! Please do not hesitate to call me if I can be of assistance to you, your company, or other professional associations to which you belong. I would be honored to talk to you. I am always willing to brainstorm, learn and share with others! Spizzerinctum Group LLC Energy Enthusiasm Success Julie Kowalski