U NIT 3: C OUPLES Chapter 7: Intimate Relationships and Marriage

F ORMING I NTIMATE R ELATIONSHIPS Intimate relationships are a common topic of: Movies Novels Television programs Poems Songs The romantic couple has become the dominant media icon Assumed to be a desirable and natural relationship

F ORMING I NTIMATE R ELATIONSHIPS “When a man and woman see each other, they ought to come together – WHAM! – like a couple of taxis on Broadway, not be analyzing each other like two specimens in a bottle… Once it was see somebody, get excited, get married. Now it’s read a lot of books, fence with a lot of four-syllable words, psychoanalyze each other, until you can’t tell the difference between a petting party and a civil service exam.” - Stella ( Rear Window )

F ORMING I NTIMATE R ELATIONSHIPS Jeff and Lisa were having trouble making decisions about their relationship Reflects the challenges men and women face in Canada today Individuals must decide: Whether to marry Who they should marry Who they want to marry What their marriage will be like If there is another form of relationship that would better meet their needs (becoming increasingly more common)

F ORMING I NTIMATE R ELATIONSHIPS Many Canadians still worry about whether… They will be able to form a satisfying relationship that will last a lifetime… Without having to give up who they are and who they want to be

F ORMING I NTIMATE R ELATIONSHIPS Marriage is assumed to be a binding and enduring relationship But this is not always the case Only 10% of contemporary marriages are truly monogamous One man marries one woman for a lifelong relationship Polygyny (marriage between one man and two or more women) and polandry (marriage between one womand and two or more men) are considered desirable by many people in the world But not many can afford polygamous marriages

F ORMING I NTIMATE R ELATIONSHIPS Serial monogamy is becoming more common in contemporary society Marriage to several spouses one after the other Logical result of divorce Immigrants are also bringing their social norm of arranged marriage into Canada Makes Westerners consider whether their dating and courtship customs are really a better way Increases in cohabitation and divorce raises questions about whether marriages are meeting individual’s needs

F ORMING I NTIMATE R ELATIONSHIPS However, newlyweds expect their marriage will be for life, regardless of the divorce rate, and choose their partners accordingly

F ORMING I NTIMATE R ELATIONSHIPS Several research questions we will explore in this chapter are: What is the nature of sexual attraction, mate selection, and romantic love? What is the relationship between attraction and marriage roles? How do couples negotiate satisfying roles in their relationships? What are the factors that are detrimental to forming enduring relationships? How do couples manage conflict in their relationship?

A TTRACTION, M ATE S ELECTION, AND R OMANCE Most marriages in Canada result from free- choice mate selection Individuals are attracted to each other, fall in love, and decide to marry It is unclear whether romantic love is: A fairly recent social development A result of biology Marriage probably has its roots in the biological urge to reproduce But it has evolved as the basic social and economic unit in human societies

A TTRACTION, M ATE S ELECTION, AND R OMANCE In 87% of all cultures, the relationships between men and women are based on romantic love But is love necessary from the start? In “The History of the Wife”, Marilyn Yalom of Stanford University suggested that a man and woman who live and work together, share a bed, and raise children together would probably grow to love each other According to this, arranged marriages would eventually be based on romantic love

THEORIES OF ATTRACTION AND MATE SELECTION

E VOLUTIONARY P SYCHOLOGY Evolutionary psychology suggests that the traits we find attractive today can be traced back to our prehistoric ancestors Mate-selection preferences that were most likely to ensure children were born and survived to adulthood would have been passed on to the next generation through natural selection

E VOLUTIONARY P SYCHOLOGY C ONT ’ D … Women preferred men: Who would be good fathers Who would be good providers for themselves and their children Women were unable to both care for an infant and gather enough food Men preferred women: Who could bear healthy babies Who could feed their children Who had the intelligence and temperament to raise their children well

E VOLUTIONARY P SYCHOLOGY C ONT ’ D … Men and women who chose their mate well would have more children to inherit or be taught their mate preferences In his book The Evolution of Desire, David Buss, an American anthropologist, summarizes the results of extensive studies on sexual attraction today His research suggests that people’s behaviour as they interact with potential partners is still patterned to enable them to select the person with whom they can raise the most successful children

E VOLUTIONARY P SYCHOLOGY C ONT ’ D … What women want (according to Buss) Substantial financial resources (even if they have resources of their own) Healthy Intelligent Well-educated Hard-working Ambitious All of these characteristics enable men to be successful providers

E VOLUTIONARY P SYCHOLOGY C ON ’ T What men want (according to Buss) Physically appealing Shiny hair, clear skin, full lips, shapely figure Young Healthy One characteristic that is preferred by men across all cultures is hips that are wider then the waist May be because this ratio indicates a pelvis wide enough to allow for an easy birth and sufficient body fat to sustain a pregnancy

E VOLUTIONARY P SYCHOLOGY C ONT ’ D … So according to anthropology: Women are attracted to good providers Men are attracted to women who appear to be fertile Keep in mind that these characteristics are very general and subjective Not everyone finds the same individuals attractive

S OCIAL H OMOGAMY Using the functionalist perspective, sociologists suggest that the variations in attraction can be explained by the theory of social homogamy Describes how people are attracted to people from a similar social background

S OCIAL H OMOGAMY C ONT ’ D … Individuals are most attracted to people that have the share their social background and views, particularly: Age Race Ethnic background Religion Socio-economic status Political views This also true of physical characteristics, such as: Finger length Space between eyes Suggests people find others with a similar appearance to them attractive

T HEORIES OF A TTRACTION AND M ATE S ELECTION : I DEAL M ATE T HEORY The ideal mate theory attempts to explain attraction from a symbolic interactionist’s perspective Attraction is based on an individual’s unconscious image of the ideal mate formed from perceptions of certain characteristics This theory supports the concept of “love at first sight”

I DEAL M ATE T HEORY C ONT ’ D … The ideal mate theory also supports social homogamy Perceptions of an ideal mate are formed from pleasant experiences with other people in childhood, usually from: Family Community Media Individuals also react to negative experiences by identifying unattractive characteristics that they perceive as unacceptable for a relationship The ideal mate image sets the standards that influence a person’s judgment of potential mates without the person being aware of them

I DEAL M ATE T HEORY C ONT ’ D … Individual preferences determine who you find attractive But finding someone attractive doesn’t mean the feeling is mutual! In most societies, individuals have to compete with others to win the hand of the man/woman of their dreams As shown by arranged marriages and blind dates, simply finding someone attractive or discovering they have the qualities you want in a partner, doesn’t mean they are your perfect counterpart

S OCIAL E XCHANGE T HEORY The social exchange perspective explains that almost everyone finds a mate in his/her society Individuals are attracted to different people People assess their resources they have to offer: Physical attractiveness Wealth Pleasant personality Social status They look for the best possible mate who will be attracted by these resources

S OCIAL E XCHANGE T HEORY C ONT ’ D … Proximity is a major factor in mate selection Individuals are attracted to, fall in love with, and marry those who: Live and work nearby Belong to the same religious community Attend the same cultural events Though with the increasing popularity of online dating, we may see this trend changing in the future

R ECAP Social homogamy helps to ensure that couples are compatible Similarity in backgrounds makes it more likely that couples will: Share common expectations for their relationship and their lifestyle Manage their shared resources more efficiently and with less conflict Be able to raise children more easily

R ECAP Couples who have similar backgrounds are more likely to raise their children according to their cultural expectations Two people who share similar beliefs about the roles of husband and wife and who share similar expectations for their family life will enjoy each other’s company and will be more likely to fall in love

R ECAP … Social homogamy is also the basis of mate selection in societies that practice arranged marriages The relative social values of the boy and girl are negotiated by the families or by matchmakers In traditional societies a dowry may be used to increase the “marriageability” of the girl Increases the chances that the boy and girl will have a happy lasting marriage and will pass their cultural heritage onto their children

R ECAP Intimacy in relationships requires a full appreciation of each other’s uniqueness and separateness Individuals can’t relate to someone else without first understanding who they are and what their roles in life are Individuals aren’t capable of a fully intimate relationship until the identity crisis of the transition to adulthood is resolved Committing to intimate relationships earlier would result in defining identity through the relationship The challenge of intimate relationships is gaining intimacy without losing self

R ECAP As Levinson and Erikson suggested, women are more likely to define themselves through their connections with others Might develop a committed relationship as part of forming an identity Men prefer to retain more independence in their relationships Might delay forming committed relationships until their life structure is established

R ECAP The differences between what men and women want might explain why women usually marry older men The age difference between men and women averages 3.5 years worldwide The lowest is Canada at 2 years The highest is Iran at 5 years

R ECAP This age difference may relate to identity… Women are more likely to marry during the identity transition and are ready to marry earlier It may also relate to biology… Older men tend to be stronger, wiser, and more stable, and are therefore more desirable to women in all societies Younger women tend to be more desirable to men (though they probably wouldn’t describe the attraction in terms of fertility)

R ECAP The social exchange perspective suggests that younger, more attractive women have greater resources to offer older, successful men The conflict and feminist perspectives suggest that a match between an older man and a younger women ensures that: The man has greater resources The younger women will need his resources to acquire an improved lifestyle i.e. It reinforces the patriarchy