2Take time to reflect…Examine your thoughts about opening to loving another person, and complete these sentences:It is worth to love because:It is NOT worth to love because:List three meanings love has for you:Think of someone you love. What specifically do you love about that person?
3How do you know you are IN LOVE? What is LOVE?How do you know you are IN LOVE?When is the RIGHT time to say I LOVE YOU?When is the WRONG time to say I LOVE YOU?
4Our best and worst moments in life are tied to a love relationship. What Is Love?Difficult to definespecial attitude with behavioral and emotional componentsdifferent things to different peopledifficult to measureFor how many is this true?Our best and worst moments in life are tied to a love relationship.
5What Is Love? Rubin's "love scale" 3 components Attachment is a person's desire for the physical presence and emotional support of the other person.Caring is an individual's concern for the other's well-being.Intimacy is the desire for close, confidential communication with the other.
6Types of Love Passionate love (infatuation) The Kiss by RodinTypically occurs early in a relationship.A state of extreme absorption with and desire for another.It is characterized by intense feelings of tenderness, elation, anxiety, sexual desire, and ecstasy.Generalized physiological arousal, strong sexual desire (“Butterflies in the stomach”)People often overlook faults and avoid conflictsShort-lived discover, often to their dismay, that the only thing they ever really shared was passion.
7Types of Love Companionate love Less intense emotion than passionate love.It is characterized by friendly affection and a deep attachment that is based on extensive familiarity with the loved one.Often encompasses a tolerance for another's shortcomings along with a desire to overcome difficulties and conflicts in a relationship.In short,companionate love: enduringpassionate love: usually transitory.Sex: associated with familiarity, security, sexual trust encourages experimentation.Often experienced as richer, more meaningful, and deeply satisfying.Sometimes a relationship may begin with companionate love (ie, friends) and then transition in to passionate love.
8Types of Love Sternberg’s Triangular Theory Passion:Is the motivational component that fuels romantic feelings, physical attraction, and desire for sexual interaction.Passion instills a deep desire to be united with the loved one.In a sense passion is like an addiction, because its capacity to provide intense stimulation and pleasure can exert a powerful craving in a person.Intimacy:Is the emotional component of love that encompasses the sense of being bonded with another person.It includes feelings of warmth, sharing, and emotional closeness.(Vulnerability): Intimacy also embraces a willingness to help the other and an openness to sharing private thoughts and feelings with the beloved.Commitment:is the thinking or cognitive aspect of love.It refers to the conscious decision to love another and to maintain a relationship over time in spite of difficulties that may arise.Sternberg maintains that passion tends to develop rapidly and intensely in the early stages of a love relationship and then declines as the relationship progresses.In contrast, intimacy and commitment continue to build gradually over time, although at different rates.
9Sternberg's triangular theory passion builds then fadesintimacy & commitment continue to buildvariations in components yield different kinds of loveintimacy alone = friendshippassion alone = infatuationcommitment alone = empty love
10Intimacy understood: my partner sees me as I see myself Reis & Shaver Definition of Intimacyunderstood: my partner sees me as I see myselfvalidated: my partner values what I amcared for: my partner likes meDifficult to measure.
11ExerciseChoose 3 – 4 people in your life you are close to (these can be family, friends, lovers, significant others, etc.)Using Sternberg’s definition of:PassionIntimacyCommitmentWrite a P, I and/or C to categorize each of the relationships.Does Sternberg’s theory apply Y/N? Comments or observations
12Lee’s Styles of Loving Romantic love style (Eros): Six different styles of loving:Romantic love style (Eros):Look for mates who are good looking - emphasis on physical beautyGame-playing love style (Ludus)“Players” – acquiring sexual conquests Casual sex- “Booty Call”Possessive love style (mania):Dangerous – marked by jealousy, turmoil, obsessive love – DOMESTIC VIOLENCECompanionate love style (Storge)Long term relationships – stable, commitment, willingness to work on relationship – mutually satisfying.Altruistic love style (Agape)Selfless, patient, without expectation of reciprocityPragmatic love style (Pragma)Rational, practical, business like, compatible interests
13Falling in Love: The Chemistry of Love Attraction Neurochemical ProcessNeurochemicals similar to amphetaminesAmphetamine-like effects: euphoria, giddiness, and elation.Infatuation chemistry - body develops tolerance – short lived effectCompanionate love chemistry Morphinelike chemicals (soothing feeling)Produce a sense of security, tranquility, and peace.
14Falling in Love:Why and With Whom Exercise: Write down the 5 most important characteristicsyou want in your ideal mate.One afternoon, according to an old Sufi tale, Nasruddin and his friend were sitting in a café, drinking tea, and talking about life and love. “How come you never got married, Nasruddin?” asked his friend at one point. “Well,” said Nasruddin, “to tell you the truth, I spent my youth looking for the perfect woman. In Cairo, I met a beautiful and intelligent woman, with eyes like dark olives, but she was unkind. Then in Baghdad, I met a woman who was a wonderful and generous soul, but we had no interests in common. One woman after another would seem just right, but there would always be something missing. Then, one day I met her. She was beautiful, intelligent, generous, and kind. We had everything in common. In fact, she was perfect.” “Well,” said Nasruddin’s friend, “what happened? Why didn’t you marry her?” Nasruddin sipped his tea reflectively. “Well,” he replied, “it’s a sad thing.Seems she was looking for the perfect man.”“Love isn’t finding the right person, it’s being the right person.”No simple explanation for why we fall in love with one particular person instead of another. A number of factors are often important: proximity, similarity, reciprocity, and physical attractiveness.ProximityMere exposure effectFamiliarity breeds predictability greater comfortGreater proximity often reflects shared interests
15Physical attractiveness SimilaritySame level of physical attractivenessAge, Educational Status and ReligionRace and EthnicityWhy?share similar interests & activitiescommunicate betterconfirm own views & experiencessupportive of values & beliefsValidation – mirror image of ourselvesReciprocitywhen someone shows they like us, we tend to like them backincreases self-esteemincreases likelihood of relationship enduringPhysical attractiveness"what's beautiful is good" beliefstatus by associationmost important in early stagesmay be an indication of physical healthheterosexual males place greater value
16Falling in Love: Why and With Whom Sociobiology- Behavior explained by evolutionary needs (Buss)Men attracted to young attractive females to maximize reproductive successWomen attracted to older, established men to maximize their reproductive success
17LOVE “MYTHS”THE MYTH OF ETERNAL LOVETHE MYTH THAT LOVE IMPLIES CONSTANT CLOSENESSTHE MYTH THAT WE FALL IN AND OUT OF LOVETHE MYTH OF THE EXCLUSIVENESS OF LOVETHE MYTH THAT TRUE LOVE IS SELFLESSTHE MYTH THAT LOVE AND ANGER INCOMPATIBLE
18AND ANGER INCOMPATIBLE THE MYTH THAT LOVEAND ANGER INCOMPATIBLEMany people believe that if they love someone, this implies that they cannot get angry at them.When anger is withheld, it will always surface in other dysfunctional ways: jealousy, passive-aggressiveness, etcHowever, Love NEVER involves threats, put-downs, verbal, physical, emotional and sexual violence!!!!!Those kinds of behaviors are dangerous and are behaviors found in batterers and in domestic violence cases.
19Telephone Number: 805-983-6014; 24 Hour Hotline: 805-656-1111 Interface Children Family Services of Ventura County. A comprehensive site offering links to various agencies throughout the county - also info on low cost counseling. (Telephone Number (805) )The Coalition to end Domestic and Sexual Violence Ventura County - local counseling available Telephone Number: ; 24 Hour Hotline:
20Authentic vs. Inauthentic Love (I Never Knew I Had a Choice, Corey & Corey – 2006) Enhancing, empowering, affirmingInauthentic Love:Crippling, stifling, paranoid, controllingINAUTHENTIC LOVERigid unrealistic expectationsConditionally loving – “strings attached”DishonestThreatened by other relationships/interestsPossessiveUtterly dependant – to fill void (I NEED YOU!!)Lacks commitment.Guarded with feelings, thoughts – won’t allow vulnerabilityControlling, manipulative and punitive: wants to change the person
21AUTHENTIC LOVEUnconditional acceptance and loveCaring - not smothering, or possessive.Respectful, responsive and encouraging:I can see you as a separate personI can encourage you to stand alone and to be who you areI avoid treating you as an objectI will be there for you when you need me, and give you your space as well.Delight in each other’s growthLetting go of fear :Risk taking – vulnerableWe are committed by choiceI choose to be with youI want to be with youIf you leave I will still be able to survive
22Accepting imperfections: no need to change Mutual trustYou trust the person will not deliberately hurt you or manipulate youAccepting imperfections: no need to changeWillingness to work things outEncourages and supports other relationshipsSelfishI take care of “me” firstI am complete and worthwhile on my ownEach is able to talk openly with the other about the relationshipPlayful and funThe two persons are equal in the relationshipEach person recognizes the need for solitude and creates the time in which to be aloneThey are able to cope with anger in the relationship
23What is the difference between LONELINESS and SOLITUDE? Loneliness: (Def.) A state of painful isolation, of feeling cut off from others.Results from certain events in our life: the death of a spouse, divorce, empty-nest syndrome, etc.Loneliness is generally something that happens to us, rather than something we choose to experience; we can choose the attitude we take toward it!If we allow ourselves to experience our loneliness, even if it is painful, we may be surprised to find within ourselves the sources of strength and creativity.Loneliness may peak in adolescence:begin to differentiate from the family of origin.
24What Causes Loneliness? Causes of Loneliness:(lonely people share thesecommon characteristics)Lack of social skillsLack of interest in other people.Lack of empathy.Fear of rejection.Lack of ability to appropriately self-disclose.Cynicism and sarcasm.Too demanding.Pessimistic attitude.External Locus of Control. (Victim Role)
25Solitude Solitude is something that we often choose for ourselves. In solitude, we make the time to be with ourselves, to discover who we are, and to renew ourselves.Solitude can become an antidote to loneliness.Many of us fail to experience solitude because we allow our life to become more and more frantic and complicated.We may fear that we will alienate others if we ask for private time, so we alienate ourselves instead!!Aloneness can become the source of your strength and the foundation for the relatedness to others.
26Choosing time to be alone gives us the opportunity to think, plan, imagine, and dream; it allows us to listen to ourselves and to become sensitive to what we are experiencing.In solitude we can come to appreciate anew both our separateness from and our relatedness to the important people and projects in our lives.When was the last time you did something alone (by choice) and truly enjoyed it?Why haven’t you? What are you afraid of?
27The Green Eyed MonsterMany people think that jealousy is a measure of devotion, and that the absence of jealous feelings implies a lack of love.Sexual jealousy is aroused when we suspect that an intimate relationship is threatened by a rival.It is associated with: fear of losing the loved one; anger toward the rival, the loved one, feelings of possessiveness.In extreme cases: can cause severe depression, spousal abuse, suicide, homicide.Caused by: mistrust, low self-esteem, lack of self-confidence, overly dependent relationships, feelings of inadequacy, paranoia, “sex games”How deal with a Jealous partner:No games!!!Do not submit to the third degree.Do not accept the status quo out of guiltSeek help (therapy)Leave the relationship – not healthy!!It is not love that is blind, but jealousy. ~Lawrence Durrell,Justine, 1957The jealous are troublesome to others, but a torment to themselves. ~William Penn, Some Fruits of Solitude, 1693Love looks through a telescope;envy, through a microscope. ~Josh Billings
28Maintaining Relationship Satisfaction Ingredients in lasting love relationshipself-acceptanceappreciation of each other's qualitiescommitmentgood communication, realistic expectations and shared interestsability to face & deal with conflictCharacteristics of high quality relationshipsSupportive communicationCompanionshipSexual expression and varietySeeing partner as best friendMaintaining frequent positive interaction
29Satisfying Sexual Relationships Respect for choices (including declining “sex”)Sexual Varietycommunication is criticalbe spontaneousplan for intimate timedon't worry about frequency "standards"