1. Love, Attraction, Attachment and Intimate Relationships
Lucy Capuano Brewer, Psychology
Psy 25 – Chapter 7

2. Take time to reflect…
Examine your thoughts about opening to loving another person, and complete these sentences:
It is worth to love because:
It is NOT worth to love because:
List three meanings love has for you:
Think of someone you love. What specifically do you love about that person?

3. How do you know you are IN LOVE?
What is LOVE?
How do you know you are IN LOVE?
When is the RIGHT time to say I LOVE YOU?
When is the WRONG time to say I LOVE YOU?

4. Our best and worst moments in life are tied to a love relationship.
What Is Love?
Difficult to define
special attitude with behavioral and emotional components
different things to different people
difficult to measure
For how many is this true?
Our best and worst moments in life are tied to a love relationship.

5. What Is Love? Rubin's "love scale" 3 components
Attachment is a person's desire for the physical presence and emotional support of the other person.
Caring is an individual's concern for the other's well-being.
Intimacy is the desire for close, confidential communication with the other.

6. Types of Love Passionate love (infatuation)
The Kiss by Rodin
Typically occurs early in a relationship.
A state of extreme absorption with and desire for another.
It is characterized by intense feelings of tenderness, elation, anxiety, sexual desire, and ecstasy.
Generalized physiological arousal, strong sexual desire (“Butterflies in the stomach”)
People often overlook faults and avoid conflicts
Short-lived  discover, often to their dismay, that the only thing they ever really shared was passion.

7. Types of Love Companionate love
Less intense emotion than passionate love.
It is characterized by friendly affection and a deep attachment that is based on extensive familiarity with the loved one.
Often encompasses a tolerance for another's shortcomings along with a desire to overcome difficulties and conflicts in a relationship.
In short,
companionate love: enduring
passionate love: usually transitory.
Sex: associated with familiarity, security, sexual trust  encourages experimentation.
Often experienced as richer, more meaningful, and deeply satisfying.
Sometimes a relationship may begin with companionate love (ie, friends) and then transition in to passionate love.

8. Types of Love Sternberg’s Triangular Theory
Passion:
Is the motivational component that fuels romantic feelings, physical attraction, and desire for sexual interaction.
Passion instills a deep desire to be united with the loved one.
In a sense passion is like an addiction, because its capacity to provide intense stimulation and pleasure can exert a powerful craving in a person.
Intimacy:
Is the emotional component of love that encompasses the sense of being bonded with another person.
It includes feelings of warmth, sharing, and emotional closeness.
(Vulnerability): Intimacy also embraces a willingness to help the other and an openness to sharing private thoughts and feelings with the beloved.
Commitment:
is the thinking or cognitive aspect of love.
It refers to the conscious decision to love another and to maintain a relationship over time in spite of difficulties that may arise.
Sternberg maintains that passion tends to develop rapidly and intensely in the early stages of a love relationship and then declines as the relationship progresses.
In contrast, intimacy and commitment continue to build gradually over time, although at different rates.

9. Sternberg's triangular theory
passion builds then fades
intimacy & commitment continue to build
variations in components yield different kinds of love
intimacy alone = friendship
passion alone = infatuation
commitment alone = empty love

10. Intimacy understood: my partner sees me as I see myself
Reis & Shaver Definition of Intimacy
understood: my partner sees me as I see myself
validated: my partner values what I am
cared for: my partner likes me
Difficult to measure.

11. Exercise
Choose 3 – 4 people in your life you are close to (these can be family, friends, lovers, significant others, etc.)
Using Sternberg’s definition of:
Passion
Intimacy
Commitment
Write a P, I and/or C to categorize each of the relationships.
Does Sternberg’s theory apply Y/N? Comments or observations

12. Lee’s Styles of Loving Romantic love style (Eros):
Six different styles of loving:
Romantic love style (Eros):
Look for mates who are good looking - emphasis on physical beauty
Game-playing love style (Ludus)
“Players” – acquiring sexual conquests Casual sex- “Booty Call”
Possessive love style (mania):
Dangerous – marked by jealousy, turmoil, obsessive love – DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
Companionate love style (Storge)
Long term relationships – stable, commitment, willingness to work on relationship – mutually satisfying.
Altruistic love style (Agape)
Selfless, patient, without expectation of reciprocity
Pragmatic love style (Pragma)
Rational, practical, business like, compatible interests

13. Falling in Love: The Chemistry of Love
Attraction  Neurochemical Process
Neurochemicals similar to amphetamines
Amphetamine-like effects: euphoria, giddiness, and elation.
Infatuation chemistry - body develops tolerance – short lived effect
Companionate love chemistry  Morphinelike chemicals (soothing feeling)
Produce a sense of security, tranquility, and peace.

14. Falling in Love:Why and With Whom
Exercise: Write down the 5 most important characteristics
you want in your ideal mate.
One afternoon, according to an old Sufi tale, Nasruddin and his friend were sitting in a café, drinking tea, and talking about life and love. “How come you never got married, Nasruddin?” asked his friend at one point. “Well,” said Nasruddin, “to tell you the truth, I spent my youth looking for the perfect woman. In Cairo, I met a beautiful and intelligent woman, with eyes like dark olives, but she was unkind. Then in Baghdad, I met a woman who was a wonderful and generous soul, but we had no interests in common. One woman after another would seem just right, but there would always be something missing. Then, one day I met her. She was beautiful, intelligent, generous, and kind. We had everything in common. In fact, she was perfect.” “Well,” said Nasruddin’s friend, “what happened? Why didn’t you marry her?” Nasruddin sipped his tea reflectively. “Well,” he replied, “it’s a sad thing.
Seems she was looking for the perfect man.”
“Love isn’t finding the right person, it’s being the right person.”
No simple explanation for why we fall in love with one particular person instead of another. A number of factors are often important: proximity, similarity, reciprocity, and physical attractiveness.
Proximity
Mere exposure effect
Familiarity breeds predictability  greater comfort
Greater proximity often reflects shared interests

15. Physical attractiveness
Similarity
Same level of physical attractiveness
Age, Educational Status and Religion
Race and Ethnicity
Why?
share similar interests & activities
communicate better
confirm own views & experiences
supportive of values & beliefs
Validation – mirror image of ourselves
Reciprocity
when someone shows they like us, we tend to like them back
increases self-esteem
increases likelihood of relationship enduring
Physical attractiveness
"what's beautiful is good" belief
status by association
most important in early stages
may be an indication of physical health
heterosexual males place greater value

16. Falling in Love: Why and With Whom
Sociobiology- Behavior explained by evolutionary needs (Buss)
Men attracted to young attractive females to maximize reproductive success
Women attracted to older, established men to maximize their reproductive success

17. LOVE “MYTHS”
THE MYTH OF ETERNAL LOVE
THE MYTH THAT LOVE IMPLIES CONSTANT CLOSENESS
THE MYTH THAT WE FALL IN AND OUT OF LOVE
THE MYTH OF THE EXCLUSIVENESS OF LOVE
THE MYTH THAT TRUE LOVE IS SELFLESS
THE MYTH THAT LOVE AND ANGER INCOMPATIBLE

18. AND ANGER INCOMPATIBLE
THE MYTH THAT LOVE
AND ANGER INCOMPATIBLE
Many people believe that if they love someone, this implies that they cannot get angry at them.
When anger is withheld, it will always surface in other dysfunctional ways: jealousy, passive-aggressiveness, etc
However, Love NEVER involves threats, put-downs, verbal, physical, emotional and sexual violence!!!!!
Those kinds of behaviors are dangerous and are behaviors found in batterers and in domestic violence cases.

19. Telephone Number: 805-983-6014; 24 Hour Hotline: 805-656-1111
Interface Children Family Services of Ventura County.  A comprehensive site offering links to various agencies throughout the county - also info on low cost counseling. (Telephone Number (805)   )
The Coalition to end Domestic and Sexual Violence Ventura County - local counseling available 
Telephone Number: ; 24 Hour Hotline:

20. Authentic vs. Inauthentic Love (I Never Knew I Had a Choice, Corey & Corey – 2006)
Enhancing, empowering, affirming
Inauthentic Love:
Crippling, stifling, paranoid, controlling
INAUTHENTIC LOVE
Rigid unrealistic expectations
Conditionally loving – “strings attached”
Dishonest
Threatened by other relationships/interests
Possessive
Utterly dependant – to fill void (I NEED YOU!!)
Lacks commitment.
Guarded with feelings, thoughts – won’t allow vulnerability
Controlling, manipulative and punitive: wants to change the person

21. AUTHENTIC LOVE
Unconditional acceptance and love
Caring - not smothering, or possessive.
Respectful, responsive and encouraging:
I can see you as a separate person
I can encourage you to stand alone and to be who you are
I avoid treating you as an object
I will be there for you when you need me, and give you your space as well.
Delight in each other’s growth
Letting go of fear :
Risk taking – vulnerable
We are committed by choice
I choose to be with you
I want to be with you
If you leave I will still be able to survive

22. Accepting imperfections: no need to change
Mutual trust
You trust the person will not deliberately hurt you or manipulate you
Accepting imperfections: no need to change
Willingness to work things out
Encourages and supports other relationships
Selfish
I take care of “me” first
I am complete and worthwhile on my own
Each is able to talk openly with the other about the relationship
Playful and fun
The two persons are equal in the relationship
Each person recognizes the need for solitude and creates the time in which to be alone
They are able to cope with anger in the relationship

23. What is the difference between LONELINESS and SOLITUDE?
Loneliness: (Def.) A state of painful isolation, of feeling cut off from others.
Results from certain events in our life: the death of a spouse, divorce, empty-nest syndrome, etc.
Loneliness is generally something that happens to us, rather than something we choose to experience; we can choose the attitude we take toward it!
If we allow ourselves to experience our loneliness, even if it is painful, we may be surprised to find within ourselves the sources of strength and creativity.
Loneliness may peak in adolescence:
begin to differentiate from the family of origin.

24. What Causes Loneliness?
Causes of Loneliness:
(lonely people share these
common characteristics)
Lack of social skills
Lack of interest in other people.
Lack of empathy.
Fear of rejection.
Lack of ability to appropriately self-disclose.
Cynicism and sarcasm.
Too demanding.
Pessimistic attitude.
External Locus of Control. (Victim Role)

25. Solitude Solitude is something that we often choose for ourselves.
In solitude, we make the time to be with ourselves, to discover who we are, and to renew ourselves.
Solitude can become an antidote to loneliness.
Many of us fail to experience solitude because we allow our life to become more and more frantic and complicated.
We may fear that we will alienate others if we ask for private time, so we alienate ourselves instead!!
Aloneness can become the source of your strength and the foundation for the relatedness to others.

26. Choosing time to be alone gives us the opportunity to think, plan, imagine, and dream; it allows us to listen to ourselves and to become sensitive to what we are experiencing.
In solitude we can come to appreciate anew both our separateness from and our relatedness to the important people and projects in our lives.
When was the last time you did something alone (by choice) and truly enjoyed it?
Why haven’t you? What are you afraid of?

27. The Green Eyed Monster
Many people think that jealousy is a measure of devotion, and that the absence of jealous feelings implies a lack of love.
Sexual jealousy is aroused when we suspect that an intimate relationship is threatened by a rival.
It is associated with: fear of losing the loved one; anger toward the rival, the loved one, feelings of possessiveness.
In extreme cases: can cause severe depression, spousal abuse, suicide, homicide.
Caused by: mistrust, low self-esteem, lack of self-confidence, overly dependent relationships, feelings of inadequacy, paranoia, “sex games”
How deal with a Jealous partner:
No games!!!
Do not submit to the third degree.
Do not accept the status quo out of guilt
Seek help (therapy)
Leave the relationship – not healthy!!
It is not love that is blind, but jealousy. 
~Lawrence Durrell,
Justine, 1957
The jealous are troublesome to others, but a torment to themselves. 
~William Penn, Some Fruits of Solitude, 1693
Love looks through a telescope;
envy, through a microscope. 
~Josh Billings

28. Maintaining Relationship Satisfaction
Ingredients in lasting love relationship
self-acceptance
appreciation of each other's qualities
commitment
good communication, realistic expectations and shared interests
ability to face & deal with conflict
Characteristics of high quality relationships
Supportive communication
Companionship
Sexual expression and variety
Seeing partner as best friend
Maintaining frequent positive interaction

29. Satisfying Sexual Relationships
Respect for choices (including declining “sex”)
Sexual Variety
communication is critical
be spontaneous
plan for intimate time
don't worry about frequency "standards"