1. Sexual Addiction Theory & Family Co-dependency: An Introduction Melvin Wong, Ph.D. Licensed Clinical Psychologist (California) ChristianMentalHealth.com E-Mail DrWong @ChristianMentalHealth.com 220 Montgomery St., Suite 1098, San Francisco, CA 94104

2. Sexual Addiction-Theory Attachment Deficits –F–F–F–Failure to attach with a nurturing-love object –D–D–D–Deny needs for nurturing person –D–D–D–Denial gives rise to deprivation

3. Family Tree Diagram Father Son-1 Son-1 Mother Daughter Son-2

4. Casts of the Dysfunctional Family Addict Enabler 12345 Adult-child: Man with problems; Gambling, affairs, rage & irresponsibility Mother who helps hide husbands serious problems Survival for me

5. Casts of the Dysfunctional Family Addict Enabler 12345 Mother who is trying to be the UN Peace- Keeper: Hoping things will not go out of her control Keep the peace: Survival for me

6. Casts of the Dysfunctional Family Addict Enabler 12345 Be Perfect: Problems will go away Hero I want to be hero too! I am worthy Win-Lose Rivalry Detach

7. Casts of the Dysfunctional Family Addict Enabler 12345 Rebel: Believing I am the problem Scapegoat

8. Casts of the Dysfunctional Family Addict Enabler 12345 Withdraws from Relationships: Numb Lost Child

9. Casts of the Dysfunctional Family Addict Enabler 12345 Makes laughter admist family tragedy Clown

10. Sexual Addiction-Theory Attachment Deficits –F–F–F–Failure to attach with a nurturing-love object –D–D–D–Deny needs for nurturing person –D–D–D–Denial gives rise to deprivation Family Relationship Estrangement Family Dynamic of Rigidity: Perfectionism History of early sexual violation Intimacy problem: Generational effect

11. Proximal Causes of Sexual Addiction Premature Sexual-Genital Familiarization Over-exposure to adult pornographic materials My dads Playboy magazine My dads Playboy magazine My uncles books under his bed or mattress My uncles books under his bed or mattress One day I found a stash of magazine in my neighbors trash One day I found a stash of magazine in my neighbors trash I watched HBO after my parents went to sleep I watched HBO after my parents went to sleep I watched my mom having sex with her boyfriend I watched my mom having sex with her boyfriend

12. Immediate Causes of Sexual Addiction Child was a victim of sexual violation Molestation-Fondling: Culture specific (Sexual curiosity of adults in Asian ethnic groups) Molestation-Fondling: Culture specific (Sexual curiosity of adults in Asian ethnic groups) Mens sexual curiosity over self: Projected on children Mens sexual curiosity over self: Projected on children Men exposed self to children: To satisfy something about themselves Men exposed self to children: To satisfy something about themselves Servant-Maid: Bathing a toddler Servant-Maid: Bathing a toddler Sexual arousal as a way to soothe a child Sexual arousal as a way to soothe a child

13. Direct Causes: Biology & Psychology Behavioral: Stimulus-Response Cycle Behavioral: Stimulus-Response Cycle –Boredom: Social-Interpersonal Isolation –Excitation: Immediate Gratification –Stimulus-Response : Emotional Reminders Habit-Forming Behaviors Habit-Forming Behaviors –Cigarettes smoking –Rage: Temper Tantrums Relaxation Cycles Relaxation Cycles –Physiological Arousal & Rest States

14. Why Sexual Addiction? Needs for Arousal Life is Boring Gambling Gambling Sex Sex Stimulant Drugs Stimulant Drugs High-Risk Behaviors High-Risk Behaviors

15. Why Sexual Addiction? Needs for Satiation Life is Not Satisfying-Unhappy Sex Sex Over-Eating (Bulimia-Bingeing) Over-Eating (Bulimia-Bingeing) Depressant Drugs (Marijuana) Depressant Drugs (Marijuana) Narcotic Drugs (Anesthetic effect) Narcotic Drugs (Anesthetic effect) Alcohol Alcohol

16. Why Sexual Addiction? Needs for Fantasy Reality is too Hard: Need a Quick Escape Voyeuristic Sex : Intelligent fantasy & Routine Voyeuristic Sex : Intelligent fantasy & Routine Psychedelic Drugs: LSD Psychedelic Drugs: LSD Marijuana Marijuana Mystic/Artistic Mystic/Artistic Preoccupation Preoccupation

17. The Addiction (Modified from Patrick Carnes, Ph.D. & Steven Arterburn, M.S.) Craving-tension-urge to get emotionally intimate with others Mental-Emotional-Visual Triggers Pain Repression with immediate Sexual Longing Fantasy Development-Planning Begins (The Thrill begins) The Hunt (The Intrigue)

18. The Connection –Rush Altered state of awareness The Act –U–U–U–Under-Control: Impulsivity: Binge The Fulfillment –O–O–O–Orgasm: Feeling Dissociation The Let-Down –S–S–S–Self-Blame: Numbness The Vow –O–O–O–Over-Control: Compulsivity: Rigidity The Cycle Returns again (Deprivation Sets-In)

19. Developing Intimacy Through Effective Communication Copyright © Melvin Wong, Ph.D. All Rights Reserved Small Talk & Clichés Exchange of Facts Exchange of Judgments Exchange Feelings Commitments Sex

20. The Physical Intimacy-Orgasmic Cycle (Copyright © Melvin Wong, Ph.D. 2000) Intimacy Always Feels Good! Emotional Intimacy Leads to Physical Intimacy! Physical Intimacy Can Lead to Orgasm! Orgasm Always Feels Good! Orgasmic Feeling is Intimacy? Physical Intimacy is an Antidote for: Loneliness, Low-Self Worth, Boredom, Aggression, Anger, Despair, Abandonment (Applies to Heterosexuals and Homosexuals)

21. Addiction-Acting-Out Cycle Copyright © Melvin Wong, Ph.D. 2000 Compulsivity Deprivation Impulsivity Satiation Abuser-Victim Blame-Shame Guilt

22. Specific Treatment Areas (Copyright © Melvin Wong, Ph.D. 2000) Ideational (Mindset) –R–R–R–Reduction of Intrusive Thoughts Behavioral –R–R–R–Reduce Masturbation & Acting-Outs Relational –I–I–I–Increase Male Non-Sexual Friendships Spiritual –I–I–I–Increase Pursuit of Holiness-Maturity

23. Healing Compulsions & Addictions Interpersonal: Healthy-Bonds (Safe People) Interpersonal: Healthy-Bonds (Safe People) –Experiential not only rational Non-sexual intimacy –Spiritual: Paradigm shift: Enlightenment Intrapersonal: Mourn loss, Spiritual renewal Intrapersonal: Mourn loss, Spiritual renewal –Rediscover goodness in self (false guilt) –Rediscover meaning & significance (Help others) An Element of A Loving but Firm Structure (Live-In programs, 12 step groups) An Element of A Loving but Firm Structure (Live-In programs, 12 step groups)

24. Self-Help Group Resources SA: Sexaholics Anonymous www.sa.org (615)331-6230 SLAA: Sex Love Addicts Anonymous EA: Emotions Anonymous (510) 471-8864 CODA: CoDependents Anonymous (415) 905-6331 www.ExodusInternational.com

25. Getting Help Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA) P O Box 119, New Town Branch, Boston MA 02258 617-332-1945 Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA) P O Box 3038 Minneapolis, MN 55403 612-339-0217 Sexual Compulsives Anonymous (SCA) P O Box 1585, Old Chelsea Station, NY, NY 10011 212-439-1123 National Council on Sexual Addictions, Inc P O Box 20249, Wickenberg, AZ 602-684-7919 Sexaholics Anonymous (SA) P O Box 300 Simi Valley, CA 93062 805-581-3343