1. May I Have This Dance? Learning Effective Interactions
with Oppositional and Defiant Students
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2. Presented by Center for Learning & Development 200 W
Presented by Center for Learning & Development 200 W. Highway 6, Suite 503 Waco, Texas
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3. The Oppositional Student
Characteristics
Causes
3 Different Invitations to Dance
How Can We Make it Worse?
How Can We Make it Better?
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4. Characteristics Control ! Blaming others Negativity Irritable mood
May or not be ODD
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5. Control Physical – “You can’t make me!” Cognitive – “That’s stupid!”
Emotional – “I don’t care.”
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6. Causation
biology
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7. The Thinking Brain Frontal – planning, organizing, problem solving,
You need to protect this…
The Thinking Brain
Frontal – planning, organizing, problem solving,
making good choices
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8. Agitation & the Brain
What we know is that we THINK better when we FEEL calm and collected!
Here: The pink area on the top left of the picture above is the frontal cortex.
[click] Now notice the tiny pink dot at the bottom called the amygdala…. the emotional center of our brain.
The amygdala is responsible for sensing danger, producing adrenaline, and generating a “fight or flight” response in the face of a threat.
Obviously the amygdala is critical for our survival, but it’s also the area that tends to cause us trouble.
When the amygdala is at work, the frontal cortex is closed for business.
This is just perfect in the face of life-threatening danger…. when there’s no time to process options, when there’s a desperate need to act quickly.
But here’s the problem: when the amygdala is continually stimulated by intense emotions, it starts to react automatically without consulting your frontal cortex to see if the reaction makes sense.
Over time the frontal cortex is less and less available to help regulate thoughts, feelings, and reactions, while the amygdala becomes increasingly hyperstimulated.
For the oppositional student, everything starts to become a “battleground” and he starts to see all adults as the enemy…. at every turn he’s ready for battle!!
So the amygdala is on ready alert!!
So our job is to remain calm with oppositional students and in this way to set up a “calming” environment – which tells the amygdala that “life is good” and it can stop hijacking the frontal cortex…. This allows the student to think and process information.
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9. Causation biology temperament psychological factors social factors
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10. The Dance [ meltdown! ] You always give me a hard time!
Wouldn’t you like to finish your work?
[ ignores ]
Come on, you just have a little to do…
I’ll do it when I finish drawing.
I’m not going to ask again…
You always give me a hard time!
If you’re not going to work, you’re not going to stay in my class!
[ meltdown! ]
The Dance
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12. Invitations to Dance Physical: “You can’t make me.”
Cognitive: “That’s stupid.”
Emotional: “I don’t care!”
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13. How can we make it… worse?
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14. How can we make it… better?
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15. First things first
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16. Top Management Skills routines consistency relationships
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17. Relationships are Everything!
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18. Relationship-Building
Leave It at the Door!
Face-Saving Techniques
They are Kids
Trust
& Respect
No Sarcasm or Anger
Meet & Greet
Don’t Take It Personally
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19. May I Have This Dance?
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20. Your Response side-step ignore say “yes”
Next…
Before the band warms up (i.e., NOT in the heat of battle), decide:
Which invitations are you going to ignore, side-step, or say “yes” to…
Whatever the circumstances of the next potential control battle, we have to go into those circumstances with the understanding that we have 3 basic choices: ignore, side-step, or say “yes”…
Decide which “invitations to dance” (behaviors) you are going to IGNORE. In other words, choose your battles carefully!
Most children with ODD are doing too many things you dislike to include all of them in a behavior management plan.
Thus, target only a few important behaviors – the most critical ones, rather than trying to fix everything.
Then, let the others go. Just ignore it!!! And this is INCREDIBLY hard for some teachers!!
Example: student mumbling as you walk away (DON’T RESPOND WITH: “What did you say????”)
This is especially hard because teachers are told that they are the authority and that the kids WILL do what you say!
But the truth is that with these tough kids, you have to earn their trust and their respect.
It all circles back to relationships… and without that, you’re in for a very long year!
Which ones will you side-step?
Here, you can’t simply ignore the behavior, but you’ve decided that it’s not a major issue that you want to focus on:
Distracting the student and/or using humor (never sarcasm) are the general rules here.
Which ones will you say “yes” to?
Decide which “invitations to dance” you’re going to accept.
Here, you’ve “chosen your battle very carefully”… you have thought it through and you know that this is an important issue to focus on.
For these, map out a clear plan:
Remember: Successful plans keep you out of power struggles. (Power struggles get you nowhere… except back into the same old dance.)
The plan should be clearly and simply stated. Avoid abstract rules and expectations.
Successful plans provide consistency, structure, and clear consequences for the student’s behavior.
Whenever possible, make this student a part of any plan to change behavior. If you don't, you'll become the enemy.
Example: a teacher talked with her student about the times when the student was about to “lose it” emotionally (was on the verge of a meltdown) – together they came up with a “code” word that the student would say, and the teacher knew that this was an issue that she needed to talk about with the student in private. It couldn’t be ignored or side-stepped, but it needed to be addressed with sensitivity and in private.
In a few minutes, we will talk more specifically about successful plans as we talk about the different “dances.”
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23. IGNORE
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24. a graceful, “face-saving” exit.
The Great Debate
The ultimate plan:
a graceful, “face-saving” exit.
Don’t defend yourself!
Change the subject
Walk away
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If he escalates, use 2 powerful words:
“Nevertheless …”
“Regardless …”
Then walk away.

25. SIDE-STEP
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26. Refuse to Dance STUDENT TEACHER Positive or Neutral POSITIVE Negative
“You can’t control my emotions… but watch me control yours.”
STUDENT
TEACHER
Positive or Neutral
POSITIVE
Negative
NEUTRAL
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27. LISTEN to WORDS HEAR Overlook the intonation – for now2
HEAR
Overlook the intonation – for now
Offer a calming period
SAY
Put angry feelings into words
Help him verbalize the cause
THINK
Help him think of alternatives
Help him consider consequences
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28. ACCEPT
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29. CHOICES Give 2 or 3 choices. State the choices briefly and clearly.
Repeat the words like a broken record
in a calm, unemotional manner.
If possible, engage student in
problem-solving.
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30. Consequences Always give yourself an “out.”3
Consequences
If he refuses both choices…
Map out the consequences before the
“heat of battle.”
Begin by removing reinforcers,
but allow him to earn the items back.
Always give yourself an “out.”
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31. WATCH OUT Oppositional kids are very savvy. Start Positive:
“Sneak” the positive stuff past them.
Start Positive:
Set up positive reinforcers for compliant behavior.
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32. When things head south Know your options If the plan’s not working…
Move away from the student.
Repeat your request in a business-like voice.
Impose predetermined consequence for noncompliance.
If the plan’s not working…
turn to a team approach.
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33. Key things to remember to keep your sanity
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34. Non-oppositional side Don’t take it personally.3
TAKE CARE OF YOU
Non-oppositional side
POSITIVE
relationship
Don’t take it personally.
Don’t start the dance!
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35. Watch what you SAY Don’t ARGUE. Don’t talk A LOT.
Watch your speech intonation.
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36. Watch what you DO Watch your body language.
Move toward him at slow pace.
Respect his personal space.
Sit next to him at eye level.
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37. Watch what you THINK Evaluate: How did it work?
Are you focusing on the plan?
Am I annoyed and just reacting?
Evaluate: How did it work?
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38. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree
Dealing with Oppositional Parents
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39. Though no one can go back and make a brand new start,
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40. Anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.
~ Carl Bard
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41. For more information, contact us www.cldtx.org 254-751-0922
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