Jim Biernat, RN Dartmouth Hitchcock November 11, 2011

We do not see things as they are We see them as we are The Talmud

It is inevitable that at some point we will all rub each other the wrong way

A rub can be of little consequence or it can develop into anger and resentment if unresolved, festers into a workplace wound

The recurring and cumulative history of workforce hurts and wounds affects the level of communication and trust present in the workplace. Institute for Safe Medication Practices, (2004) Intimidation: Practitioners speak up about this unresolved problem (Part1). March 11.

Residual anger and lingering resentments can be caustic not only to the affected healthcare employee, but also to colleagues and inevitably to patients. Biernat, J. (2007) Exploring forgiveness offers insights to self, healthcare. Vision,17(10),8-9.

How do we irritate and rub each other the wrong way?

Gossiping  Talking negatively about people when they are not around  undermining confidences  back-biting  not respecting privacy  not respecting the right of others to make mistakes  succumbing to the lure of the sensational  bringing up ‘dirt’ from the past

Innuendo (verbal and non-verbal)  tone of voice  gesture  rolling of eyes  ‘the look,’ facial affect

Sabotage  Setting things up so others get embarrassed  not carrying our own load so that others have to carry more than theirs  invalidating others’ worth  nit-picking  dishing out blame  fault-finding  scapegoating  holding those in the present responsible for injuries inflicted by others in the past

Decreased productivity Higher employee turnover rates Increased absences from work Decreased team morale Emotional costs of pain and turmoil Rumination Gerardi, D. (2004). Using mediation techniques to manage conflict and create healthy work environments. AACN Clinical Issues: Advanced Practice in Acute & Critical Care, 15(2),

Rumination sucks away the lifeblood in our relationships and in the workplace.

Rumination keeps us stuck

We can find ourselves stuck in pessimism, defensiveness, hopelessness and inability to trust. We can erect a fortress of distance from others and from ourselves We may want to move beyond this---to forgive and forget--- but it often feels beyond our reach.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness often seems elusive but can be within reach.

Self-righteousness They are in the wrong; we are in the right Maintaining control Holding on to that which has become familiar

The hurt is too raw Not enough time has passed.

We gain acceptance as a victim. This can feed our self identity and how we are perceived by others. There is secondary gain We become our experience

Anger works It makes us feel powerful. Makes others uncomfortable.

When we are unforgiving we often do not realize that we are imbedded in a trap. Anger and resentment exact their toll. A part of us remains chained to the past hurts and judgments. We are the ones that continue to suffer.

Fearing Forgiveness

Many of us fear that if we forgive: We are opening ourselves up to be hurt again (vulnerability). We will be acting as if nothing harmful happened (denial). The harmful event will be viewed as justified (condoning).

Many of us fear that if we forgive: We will be letting people get away with the offense (erasing accountability). We will need to forget the offense, which we rightly see as impossible (forgetting the unforgettable). We will be obligated to trust an offender that we might still view as untrustworthy (trusting unconditionally).

What is Forgiveness?

Forgiveness does not imply condoning, legitimizing, minimizing or excusing the offense or hurt. Forgiveness calls us to be aware of our hurt and to acknowledge that we have a right to our feelings. No one has the right to invalidate our experience.

Each of us has the right to be treated with respect. This includes the way we treat each other as well as ourselves. No one has the right to hurt us. Forgiveness is not forgetting (forgetting can be unhealthy and can put us in harm’s way). Forgiveness can, however, alter the way that we reflect on the past.

Periods of Unforgiveness can diminish trust Trust that is squandered does not restore automatically Trust needs to be re- earned

Forgiveness invites us to give up the right to our anger, resentment and suffering in exchange for a return to self-empowerment

Openness Awareness CuriosityIntention Transfiguration Integration

Forgiveness is a call to healing

Pain and hurt in the workplace are inevitable. But getting stuck there is optional. Inviting forgiveness into our lives and our workplace is not a sign of weakness. It takes strength and commitment to take responsibility for creating conditions of healing and fostering a healthy workplace environment.

Forgiveness is a choice, a process, an action, and an outcome. It can be cultivated into a workplace attitude.