Struggling with Difficult Conversations? facilitated by Doug Rowe with assistance by TIE team coaches: Barb Rowenhorst Colby Christensen Deb O’Doan Lacey Hoogland MaryLou McGirr Pam Lange Disclaimer : Results will vary in different situations and with different personalities. We cannot be held liable or responsible for any conflicts caused directly or indirectly by the information and assistance shared today.

Resources Utilized Crucial Conversation: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McKillan & Al Switzler, © 2002 Crucial conversations are characterized by high stakes, strong emotions, and varied opinions. Integrity: The Courage to Meet the Demands of Reality by Dr. Henry Cloud © 2006 Excellent resource that contains situations utilizing great communication.

The strength of this book lies within its stories The strength of this book lies within its stories. In fact when I re-read this book, I discovered that I remembered the stories but struggled remembering the key aspects. Thus for today’s sessions, the book’s key aspects will be shared and afterwards we’ll utilize scenarios to create our own stories. Ask TIE Staff Members to briefly describe which stories they can remember from the book – strive to get several stories cited.

The 7 tools (book chapters) for success in Crucial Conversations: Principles Skills Critical Questions 1. Start with Heart Work on improving me first Focus on what you really want Refuse the Sucker’s Choice What do I really want? Am I behaving in ways that move me toward what I want ? 2. Learn to Look Look for when a conversation becomes crucial Look for silence and violence Am I noticing signs that safety is at risk? Am I moving to my Style under Stress? 3. Make it Safe Apologize when appropriate Contrast to fix misunderstanding Create mutual purpose Have I established mutual purpose? Have I maintained respect? 4. Master My Stories Separate facts from stories Watch for three clever stories (Victim, Villain, and Helpless) Am I pretending not to notice my role in the problem? Why would a rational and decent person act this way?

Continuation of the 7 tools (chapters) to be successful: Principles Skills Critical Questions 5. STATE My Path Share your facts Tell your story Ask for other’s paths Talk tentatively Encourage testing Am I really open to other’s views? Am I confidently expressing my own views? 6. Explore Other Paths Explore with added AMPP (Ask, Mirror, Paraphrase, Prime) Am I actively exploring others’ views? 7. Move to Action Decide how to decide Document who does what by when and follow-up What is the plan from here?

Today’s Goals To enhance your understanding of the tools/strategies that are useful when engaged in difficult conversations. Having the ability to conduct good conversations increase the “shared pool of meaning” which is the “birthplace of synergy” That is important for us. Problems can be solved when we work from a “shared mutual purpose”. Our mission and vision statements help communicate our shared mutual purpose, but ”we do work to improve the student experience, to improve the teachers experience, and to improve the administrator experience.” We have a strong start on having good Crucial Conversations because we have a shared purpose. That is important for us. When we don’t have the conversations we really need to have, we develop “stories” about each other. These stories can be detrimental and they can create stumbling blocks to productivity and success. If we don’t talk it out, we will act it out. This book provides a protocol for talking it out. That is important for us.

Crucial Conversations Overview – Crucial Conversations Crucial Conversation A discussion between two or more people where (1) stakes are high, (2) opinions vary, and (3) emotions run strong. This usually occurs when we care deeply about what's being discussed and/or care about the people with whom such is being discussed. They can be hard conversations because of our real or perceived fears of the resulting consequences. Crucial Conversations High Stakes Opposing Opinions Strong Emotions Key Finding: .. If you don’t talk it out, you will act it out..

If one could pick one’s Conversations Which of the following would you find the hardest to say “NO” Why? Sam, a fellow employee, always complains that his hard work and expertise are not being recognized. He works harder and longer than anybody else but receives little recognition and clearly is being underpaid. He wants you to correct such by talking to his boss. Kevin (who frequently insults you and others) tells you about his fear of intimacy and how he feels this comes from being rejected by his siblings early in his childhood. He is asking you to explain to the team that he is a valuable collaborative player. Sabrina (a close friend of 10 years) tells you that she feels like a failure, never having accomplished what she sets out to do, or what others thought she should accomplish. She is asking you to recommend her to be hire for a position at TIE. Talk this Over

Overview - Crucial Conversation Crucial conversations are frequently spontaneous. More often than not, they come out of nowhere. And you are usually caught by surprise. If feelings and emotions weren't involved, the conversation probably wouldn't be too difficult. But that generally is not the case. Key Finding: While we can't change the emotions that arise, we can change how we respond. We do this by being consciously present and aware of what's taking place and avoid reacting to "emotional hooks.“ If one doesn’t get to the source of a person’s feelings, you will get the effects of their feelings.

Maintain balance  Key Aspect Emotions Maintain balance  Key Aspect Prevent one’s emotional state from “over-riding” the situation That is, the intellectual brain (neocortex) must appropriately balance the vs. emotional brain (mammalian) We do this by asking questions which signals that our thinking capacity is the body part that needs to be engaged. Note: Almost as if another person emerges from you – a different person, and ugly one. Note: It has been documented that Emotions can quickly double your heartbeat and can even last for up to three days due to the chemicals that are released into your body.

become EMOTIONALLY Charged Remember: If your conscious mind does not set a goal (an action) for the conversation, your unconscious mind will. Some Conclusions Drawn Story  Actions Some Judgments Made Some Interpretations Made Some Facts Selected become EMOTIONALLY Charged Tell stories (victim, villain, helpless) to justify our actions (despite the fact it is inappropriate). Frequently, the reason why moves toward Silence or Violence Consciously choose what you want to achieve and focus to make it happen. Words

Key Aspect: Ask Questions  Activate Conscious Mind > Why am I raising my voice? > Why am I feeling so mad? > Why am I feeling so threatened? > Do they think I’m stupid? > Why is their face so red? > Why does she look mad? > Why aren’t they talking? > Why do they look hurt? > What is causing this reaction? > Can I explain this in a better way? > What is causing their insecurity? > What is causing this mistrust?

become EMOTIONALLY Charged Remember: If your conscious mind does not set a goal (an action) for the conversation, your unconscious mind will. Some Conclusions Drawn Story  Actions Some Judgments Made Some Interpretations Made Some Facts Selected Key Concept: You create your own emotions. What someone else does to you does not cause your emotions. It is the story you tell yourself that creates your emotions. become EMOTIONALLY Charged Tell stories (victim, villain, helpless) to justify our actions (despite the fact it is inappropriate). Frequently, the reason why moves toward Silence or Violence Words

If needed, retrace your path to gain a sense of What do I really want for Me, for Others, and for this Relationship? Are these the right facts? Is this the right emotion? Am I telling the right story?

Avoid these stories: Victim Story I am an innocent victim I had no involvement nor did I contribute to it. Villain Story It’s okay to act this way or say such because they deserve it. Helpless Story There was nothing else I could do as I did not have any other choice. “My TIE team doesn’t appreciate my talents anyway. In fact they don’t like me – so why should I put forth extra effort to make them successful” Tell stories (victim, villain, helpless) to justify our actions (despite the fact it is inappropriate). Frequently, the reason why moves toward Silence or Violence “Colby is going to get all the credit anyway – he’s Julie’s favorite – so why do I even try”

Avoid the Sucker’s Choice These are false dilemmas that suggest we face only two options (thinking that the answer/action is deciding between either/or, yes/no, this/that side) when in fact we face a variety of choices. “You are either with me or against me” Others would be: _________________ “If I don’t agree with you then I will lose you as a friend” “I can either get this work done on time or do it in a quality manner” Step 1. Clarify What You Really Want “I value our friendship and I value being honest with you” Step 2. Clarify What You Don’t Want. “I don’t want us to have an argument that creates bad feelings and leaves this situation unchanged” Step 3. Find an “and” solution (ask why the “or” can’t be changed to “and”) “How can we have a candid conversation about this that leads to a solution and that is workable/comfortable for both of us?” Can’t I still disagree with you and keep you as a friend Can’t I still get my work done on time and still maintain Quality

Effective Communication: Activate the Conscious Mind for All involved. At first we control the story – later the story controls us.

A  Ask for others’ paths T  Talk cautiously E  Encourage testing State your Path: Express your views in a way that makes it safe for others to hear them (and even disagree) by sharing your path the way you experienced it – from facts to actions. You do this in a way that encourages and respects other people’s point of view. S  Share your facts T  Tell your story A  Ask for others’ paths T  Talk cautiously E  Encourage testing Note: People have to know when your facts end and your stories begin. Help them do the same (which facts are creating their stories) Be curious – not furious

Effective Communication: Key Aspect #3 Establish Safety

Not Safe Effective Communication: Whether it’s Silence or Violence, each represents a person’s attempt to get into their comfort zone and/or get their own way Not Safe Masking  hiding one’s true opinion or emotion Avoiding  choosing not to share information (know it’s a bad decision but don’t speak up) Withdrawing  emotionally or physically Controlling  only our information gets shared Labeling  eliminating the sharing of their info (by putting down the other person’s ideas) Attacking  emotionally or physically Utilizing their neighbor have them go over the shortened Vital Smarts Assessment Style Survey

Key Aspect: There are two things people need to know to feel safe: You care about their best interests and goals (Mutual Purpose) You care about them (Mutual Respect) Without Mutual Purpose, people withhold meaning. Without Mutual Respect, people aren’t willing to listen to a different viewpoint. When you sense that someone is withdrawing from the conversation, then back off on the content – the key aspects of the conversation – and temporality “step out” and rebuild Mutual Purpose and Respect, then return to the content. DIALOGUE Pool of Shared Meaning Safety

Whoa – this is too much Safety Instead of trying to convince others, one needs to focus instead on building a shared pool of meaning. When we give up trying to convince, we become more convincing.” Instead of formulating a response to the conversation that one is hearing, check if people are feeling safe and are not moving to silence or violence. It isn’t whether our perspective is correct, it’s whether our intent is correct. Ways to restore Safety: Apologize (if needed) CRIB (if needed) Commit to seek Mutual Purpose Recognize the purpose behind their action Invent a Mutual Purpose that’s workable Brainstorm a solution that serves everyone DIALOGUE Pool of Shared Meaning Safety Whoa – this is too much

Conscious of Self Conscious of Others Conscious of Context Effective Communication Conscious of Self Conscious of Others Conscious of Context

Crucial Conversations Practice #1 Conversation – fishbowl modeling via TIE coaches Background Information: For a significant number of employees at TIE, we have parents or grandparents who are reaching the age where we are starting to question their capabilities to continue driving. For some of the younger employees, this may not be the case. However, you are working with quite a few of us who are at the retired-rehired status. And because of our age, you might want to carry on this conversation, especially when it comes to our driving at night. So it’s time to have a Crucial Conversation that lets the person know that it’s time to stop driving. Crucial Conversations High Stakes Opposing Opinions Strong Emotions We don’t need Vital Smarts – as we have our own team.

Rowe’s plan for observing Crucial Conversations in action: TIE Coach START Viewpoint #1 e.g. daughter or son Viewpoint #2 e.g. grandfather The authors of the books stated that it was okay to PRACTICE a crucial conversation if you are aware that such need to happen. In this case, this team has already had the chance to view this video and think through both sides of this conversation Viewpoint #1 e.g. daughter or son Viewpoint #2 e.g. grandfather

Crucial Conversations Practice #2 Conversation surprise fishbowl via TIE coaches Background Information: A fellow employee’s car broke down and required that it would be in the shop for 4 days. The person asked John Swanson if they could use a TIE car during that time. John granted permission to do so. Since the person had never experienced driving a four-wheel drive (yep, TIE added a new vehicle to its fleet), the car was taken on some local side roads during this person’s lunch hour. You receive a call from this person asking you to come out and help them. You are then being asked to support them when this situation is discussed with John Swanson. So, this conversation starts with your arrival and your initial conversation when this person. Are their any clarification questions before we start? Crucial Conversations High Stakes Opposing Opinions Strong Emotions Rowe states this conversation out by saying “How can you be so stupid – John Swanson is going to be really really mad

Am I engaged in the right conversation? The two fish bowl activities lead to the question: Am I engaged in the right conversation? That is, which Contextual Parameter (CPR) needs to be addressed? C  Content First time a person has done this, so conversation starts “ I noticed that … P  Pattern It’s has occurred before and is becoming a pattern so conversations starts “Your action indicates ... R  Relationship It’s becoming a personal or professional level of trust so conversation starts “I don’t like how it feels …

Effective Communication: Summation Hopefully, you gained insights on: How to bring up the right topic at the right time and did so in the right way with the right motive

Effective Communication: Summation Key Concept #1: Ask questions (activate the conscious mind) Key Concept #2: You create your own emotions (It is the story you tell yourself that creates your emotions) Key Concept #3: Establish Safety Key Concept #4: Generate Mutual Purpose & Mutual Respect This enables us: To bring up the right topic at the right time and did so in the right way with the right motive

What have I left out that should have been included in this overview? Before breaking into our practice groups … What have I left out that should have been included in this overview? What questions do you have that can be addressed by our TIE team coaches? (Barb, Colby, Deb, Julie, Lacey, Pam)

Utilizing the information from this book and today’s sharing of such, conduct a conversation via your group. Practice first with your assigned conversation number (and if there’s time select another one.) Group 1 & 4 Sam, a fellow employee, always complains that his hard work and expertise are not being recognized. He works harder and longer than anybody else but receives little recognition and clearly is being underpaid. He wants you to correct such by talking to his boss. Group 2 & 5 Kevin (who frequently insults you and others) tells you about his fear of intimacy and how he feels this comes from being rejected by his siblings early in his childhood. He is asking you to explain to the team that he is a valuable collaborative player. Group 3 & 6 Sabrina (a close friend of 10 years) tells you that she feels like a failure, never having accomplished what she set out to do, or what others thought she should accomplish. She is asking you to recommend her to be hire for a position at TIE . Talk this Over

Please go to your designated location and join the members of your group. Decide which two individuals will represent Viewpoint #1 and which two will represent Viewpoint #2. Continue with your Crucial Conversations as you deem appropriate – but be sure to gain insights from your TIE coach. Remember, we are just exploring the puzzle pieces of this book – so keep it friendly. Perspective #1 Perspective #2

Please share your group’s experience related to practicing these conversations. How did it go? Sam, a fellow employee, always complains that his hard work and expertise are not being recognized. He works harder and longer than anybody else but receives little recognition and clearly is being underpaid. He wants you to correct such by talking to his boss. Kevin (who frequently insults you and others) tells you about his fear of intimacy and how he feels this comes from being rejected by his siblings early in his childhood. He is asking you to explain to the team that he is a valuable collaborative player. Sabrina (a close friend of 10 years) tells you that she feels like a failure, never having accomplished what she set out to do, or what others thought she should accomplish. She is asking you to recommend her to be hire for a position at TIE .

Any final questions or insights? Did this session help clarify the tools/strategies in this book?

Note: Jim Parry did a TIE presentation featuring this book and thus would be an excellent resource. And of course, Jim truly is a role model of a person who incorporates Integrity on a daily basis.

Is one’s “Integrity” traits visible on a person’s face Is one’s “Integrity” traits visible on a person’s face? Does a child inherit or possess “Integrity”?

In Integrity, Dr. Cloud explores the six qualities of character that define integrity. People with integrity have the ability: -- To connect authentically with others (which leads to trust) -- To be oriented toward the truth (which leads to finding and operating in reality) -- To work in a way that gets results and finishes well (can also lose well) (which leads to reaching goals, profits, or the mission) -- To embrace, engage, and deal with the negative (which leads to ending, resolving, or transforming problems) -- To be oriented toward growth (which leads to increase) -- To be transcendent (which leads to the enlargement of the bigger picture and oneself) "We trust people who we think hear us, understand us, and are able to empathize with our realities as well as their own."

Integrity. It is more than simple honesty. It's the key to success Integrity. It is more than simple honesty. It's the key to success. Success is not related to only talent or brains. There are a lot of bright, talented people who are never successful. And the most successful are not necessarily the ones with the most talent. "The ones who succeed in life are the ones who realize that life is largely about solving problems. Thus, a person with integrity has the ability to pull everything together to make it all happen no matter how challenging the circumstances.

Hard now, Easy later or Easy now, Hard later  Key Aspect To face negative things or make difficult decisions is hard. Otherwise everyone would do it. Fixing a marriage, a company, one’s own performance, etc. are all possible and done successfully every day by people of character. But, they know that there is no gain without pain. There is no easy street and no shortcut. We can do the hard work of facing a problem and making the necessary changes to resolve it, and then we will enjoy the easy road of having things right. But the hard comes first and must be endured. Or we can take the easy route first and avoid fixing a problem. Then, as sure as the sun will come up tomorrow, the hard life will follow. But it will last a lot longer and will be a lot more difficult.

We can tell a lot about that person from the nature of the “wake We can tell a lot about that person from the nature of the “wake."  Most Important Aspect We leave the effects of our interactions (conversations) with people behind (this is our wake). And no manner what we try to do to: explain why, or to justify what the wake is, it still remains. Bottom Line: Would they say that their experience with us (our interacting with their lives) has: left them better off (a positive trusting growing experience where they’re standing tall) or left them worst off (one where they’re “bobbing for air, bleeding, or left for shark bait”)

Bottom Line Follow the Golden Rule – Treat others with respect, fairness, and dignity as you’d want them to treat you.

From your perspective and insights, what did I leave out or should have included?

Any Questions Any Questions