From Successful Strategies to Strategies that are DOOMED TO FAIL
When we’re in a conversation with others, we’re expected to respond in ways that keep the conversation going.
It’s kind of like playing catch with a ball, when the goal is to keep the ball moving from person to person so everyone feels included and comfortable.
Perhaps it will not surprise you to learn that the most effective conversational strategies (that is, the ones that make people feel the best about talking with us), are not the easiest.
The more we practice effective conversational strategies, the easier they become. (Thank Goodness!)
#1 Giving ADVICE Unless someone asks you for advice, DON’T GIVE IT! NO MATTER HOW OBVIOUS THE SOLUTION TO THE PERSON’S PROBLEM OR STRESS SEEMS TO YOU.
People don’t like being corrected for a couple of reasons: 1) Correcting someone interrupts the flow of the conversation (annoying) 2) People have a general aversion to being corrected. It can be perceived as a put- down, even if it isn’t intended that way. So it often makes people feel bad (and frustrated with the corrector).
Rebuttals make people feel like we haven’t heard or understood the point they’re trying to make. People like to know that we understand what they’re staying, even if we don’t agree.
Well… Actually… Yes, but… Do and of these enter your conversations?
Who would possibly think we’re interested in what they’re saying if we don’t respond?! I’m listening.
Completely changing the subject
Sharing too many details or talking for too long makes people’s brains tired.
Symptoms from the listener may include: Nodding quickly (means “I’ve got it… move on.”) Saying, “You’ve told me this before” or “I know” (or equivalent statement). Repeating statements like, “right, right” repeatedly Signs of boredom: body turned away from you, looking away (esp. at clock/watch), glazed eyes.
Responding on-topic, but with your own comment. For example, if someone tells you they just got a new video game, and you respond, “I just got one, too. Let me tell you all about it…”
When someone tells you something, you respond with something bigger. For example, if someone tells you, “I got a B on that math test.” and you say, “I got an A.” or I have so much work to do. I haven’t had a day off in a week.” And you say, “I haven’t had a day off in a month!”
Comments that connect your experience with the speakers are okay, even good, as long as you don’t hijack the conversation. People like to know that you have something in common with them.
It’s usually better to add to the speaker’s thought instead of just saying what you think (especially if you disagree with the speaker’s sentiment). For example: “I saw Spiderman 8 last weekend. It was great!” OK, “Spiderman is okay, but the plot lines have become inconsistent.” BETTER: “Cool. I’ve seen them all and really like them.”
Asking follow up questions is a great way to make people feel like you’re interested.
Avoid asking follow up questions about sensitive issues. For example, if someone has been sick, it wouldn’t be a good idea to ask how often they threw up, what they threw up, and where they threw up.
Avoid asking TOO many questions. People don’t like to feel like they are being interviewed or interrogated.
Encouraging comments that let people know that you understand how they feel and support them.
Summarizing how you think the person feels Wrong way Right way. “You must be really sad, Beatrice.”