The Art of Creative Conflict 14 October 2007 Marion Balla, M.Ed., M.S.W., R.S.W.

CMA Leaders’ Forum 1.What words do you associate with conflict? 2.What feelings do you associate with conflict? 3.On a scale of 1 (low) – 10 (high), what is your comfort level with conflict situations? 4.One strategy that you utilize which has been effective for you in managing conflict. 5.Earliest memory of being involved in a conflict situation.

We see things not as they are, but as we are. The Talmud CMA Leaders’ Forum

A mind stretched by a new idea cannot find a way to get back into the previous container. Oliver Wendall Holmes CMA Leaders’ Forum

1.Recall the best times you have had in managing conflict with individuals. Choose one experience where you felt most competent, most focused and most positive about your involvement. Summarize the circumstances. 2.What attitudes, skills and beliefs did you bring to the situation which helped create a positive result? CMA Leaders’ Forum

3.What are the strongest feelings you experienced as you worked through the conflict? 4.What did you learn from this experience that you have carried into your work today? CMA Leaders’ Forum

Appreciative Inquiry is based on a different set of assumptions. Here are some of them: a) You create more effective organizations by focusing on what you want more of, not what you want less of. b) Whatever you want more of already exists, even if only in small quantities. CMA Leaders’ Forum

c) It’s easier to create change by amplifying the positive qualities of a group or organization than by trying to fix the negative qualities. d) Through the act of inquiry, we create the social realities we are trying to understand. e) Getting people to inquire together into the best examples of what they want more of creates its own momentum toward creating more positive organizations. CMA Leaders’ Forum

Transforming – make a thorough or dramatic change in the form, outward appearance, character, etc. Conflict - a state of opposition or hostilities; a fight or struggle; clashing of opposed principles, values, ideas, etc. Definitions CMA Leaders’ Forum

Creative - able to create things in an imaginative way; inventive; of or involving the skillful and imaginative use of something to produce, e.g. a work of art, new approaches to old issues. Collaboration -doing something together. It is the desire or need to create or discover something new, while thinking and working with others, that distinguishes the action. CMA Leaders’ Forum

Ap-pre’ci-ate – valuing; the act of recognizing the best in people or the world around us; affirming past and present strengths, successes, and potentials; to perceive those things that give life (health, vitality, excellence) to the living systems. In-quire’ - the act of exploration and discovery. CMA Leaders’ Forum

Reactions to Uncertainty in Change Process  In times of uncertainty - new dynamics appear - old ones intensify Uncertainty = Increased fear  As fear rises: - focus on security and safety - tendency to withdraw – more self serving and defensive - focus on smaller details (what we can control) - more difficult to work together - can’t focus on big picture CMA Leaders’ Forum

Physiological Impacts of Fear  Stress deprives human brain of the ability to see patterns.  People become reactive.  Lose capacity to see their work as part of larger system.  Physical problems (sleep, restlessness, sudden anger, unpredictable tears.) CMA Leaders’ Forum

 Stressed people lose ability to see patterns – big picture.  Overloaded people – have no time or interest to look beyond immediate demands.  This is a vicious ‘cycle’. Focus People on the Bigger Picture CMA Leaders’ Forum

 Therefore, essential to provide processes that bring people together – to learn from on another – perspectives and challenges.  Otherwise, individual and organizational intelligence decline. Focus People on the Bigger Picture CMA Leaders’ Forum

 Informal gatherings – bring people together to decompress, relax – listen to on another. - Conversations and story telling – help people to connect at deeper, more reflective level not available through charts and PowerPoint presentations.  People lose perspective on how they need this time – until they find what they have been missing – they will resist this informal approach. Focus People on the Bigger Picture CMA Leaders’ Forum

All there is to control Situations I can affect Situations I can control Span of Control CMA Leaders’ Forum

Models of Interpersonal Communication ACTION REACTIONS AND INTERPRETATION INTENT SENDER FILTER RECEIVER CMA Leaders’ Forum

When you blame others, you give up your power to create change. CMA Leaders’ Forum

Personal Vulnerabilities Identify a person with whom you have had frequent problems. a)List one of his/her problems/difficulties which causes you concern. b)Give specific examples of the problem and/or difficulties described in (a). c)List the strengths/positives this person possesses. CMA Leaders’ Forum

Personal Vulnerabilities d)List YOUR values as a person e.g. honesty, cleanliness. e)How did you react to and feel about the specific incidents related in question (b)? f)How did your reaction and/or feeling help or hinder your relationship with this person? g)What alternative do you have in continuing to deal with this particular difficulty. CMA Leaders’ Forum

Reactive Language is characterized by statements such as: There’s nothing I can do. That’s just the way I am. He makes me so mad. They won't allow that. I have to do that. I can’t. I must. If only. CMA Leaders’ Forum

Proactive Language is characterized by statements such as: Let’s look at our alternatives. I can choose a different approach. I control my own feelings. I can create an effective presentation. I will choose an appropriate response. I choose. I prefer. I will. CMA Leaders’ Forum

Six Paradigms of Interaction Win/Lose Lose/Win Lose/Lose Win Win/Win Win/Win or No Deal CMA Leaders’ Forum

Skills in Conflict Resolution 1)Deal with Present and Future 2)Use "I" messages 3)Do not establish rightness or wrongness 4)Solve one issue at a time 5)Do it now 6)Say what you think and feel CMA Leaders’ Forum

Skills in Conflict Resolution 7)Change habitual responses 8)Allow time to change 9)Accept responsibility 10)Avoid negating non-verbal messages 11)Be accurate, factual and relate from your perceptions 12)Listen and hear the beliefs and feeling behind the words CMA Leaders’ Forum

The Five Stages of a Collaborative Conversation 1.Clarify the purpose of the conversation. 2.Gather divergent views and perspectives. 3.Build shared understanding of divergent views and perspectives. 4.Create “new” options by connecting different views. 5.Generate a conversation for action. CMA Leaders’ Forum

Steps of Inference Actions I take Conclusions I draw Beliefs I have Assumptions I make Meaning I add Data I select I observe data and experience CMA Leaders’ Forum

Research on humour shows that children laugh 200 times a day and adults laugh10 times a day. CMA Leaders’ Forum

when my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn’t bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That’s love. Rebecca – age 8 Love is… CMA Leaders’ Forum

when someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that you name is safe in their mouth Billy – Age 4 Love is… CMA Leaders’ Forum

when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go and smell each other. Karl – Age 5 Love is… CMA Leaders’ Forum

when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK. Danny – Age 7 Love is… CMA Leaders’ Forum

what’s in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen. Bobby – Age 7 Love is… CMA Leaders’ Forum

like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well. Tommy – Age 6 Love is… CMA Leaders’ Forum

when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken. Clare – Age 6 Love is… CMA Leaders’ Forum

when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day. Mary Ann – Age 4 Love is… CMA Leaders’ Forum

when you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you. Karen – Age 7 Love is… CMA Leaders’ Forum

when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn’t think it’s gross. Mark – Age 6 Love is… CMA Leaders’ Forum

My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don’t see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night. Elaine – Age 5 Love is… CMA Leaders’ Forum

I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones. Lauren – Age 4 Love is… CMA Leaders’ Forum

You really shouldn’t say ‘I love you’ unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget. Jessica – Age 8 Love is… CMA Leaders’ Forum

If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend that you hate. Nikka – Age 6 Love is… CMA Leaders’ Forum

Professional Development Action Plan 1.What do I wish to do differently in transforming conflict situations as a result of this workshop? 2.What goal will I set for myself to ensure this will happen? 3.The most useful information/skills I am taking away from today… 4.How will I ensure that this information and/or these skills will impact on the workplace. CMA Leaders’ Forum

When I was young and free and my imagination had no limits, I dreamed of changing the world; As I grew older and wiser I realized the world would not change. And I decided to shorten my sights somewhat and change only my country. But it too seemed immovable. As I entered my twilight years, in one last desperate attempt, I sought to change only my family, those closest to me, but alas, they would have none of it. CMA Leaders’ Forum

And now here I lie on my death bed and realize (perhaps for the first time) that if only I’d changed myself first, then by example I may have influenced my family and with their support I may have bettered my country, and who knows I may have changed the world. Anglican Bishop around 1100 A.D. Crypts of Westminster Abbey CMA Leaders’ Forum