How Believers Grow and Change Session #3 Learning how to grow by growing in your marital communication

The Process of Change Unbiblical approaches to avoid:  Magic whiffle dust method of growth (“let go and let God,” “I just pray about it”)  Self-effort, self-discipline, legalistic method of growth (“pull yourself up by your bootstraps,” “I just try harder”) The biblical approach (Phil 2:12-13)  I diligently obey what the Bible says (1 Tim. 4:7)  And I trust that Christ and His Spirit will work in me as I trust and rely on Him (Gal. 2:20, 5:16)

The Process of Change Romans 12:1-2  Believers seek to live by the Spirit by presenting their lives (“bodies”) as a living sacrifice to God as an act of worship (v. 1, cf. 1 Cor. 6:19-20)  This is accomplished by (v. 2): Putting off (repenting of) conformity to the world (the desires, beliefs, ways of the world – 1 John 2:15-17) Being transformed (changed) by using the Scripture to renew the desires, thoughts, and beliefs of the mind/heart

The Process of Change Ephesians 4:22-24  Believers should put-off (repent of) the old self (sinful desires, motives, thoughts, beliefs) - (v. 22)  Believers should be changed in their minds/hearts by the Scripture (v. 23)  Believers should put-on (replace) the old self with the new self (biblical desires, motives, thoughts, beliefs) which are in conformity with God: righteousness, holiness and truth (v. 24)

The Process of Change  Both this verse and Rom. 12:1-2 point to the importance of renewing the mind. Renewing the mind means that a person’s beliefs and thoughts are changed to reflect Scripture

The Process of Change Applied: Communication Put off lying. Put on speaking the truth in love (vv. 25, 15)  Lying takes many forms: Blatant lies Deceit Exaggeration Avoidance & Evasion Telling half the truth Camouflage (disguising the real message, innuendo)

The Process of Change Applied: Communication Put off lying. Put on speaking the truth in love (vv. 25, 15)  Speaking is necessary because people cannot read our minds (no avoiding, clamming up)  The content of our speech should be truth  The manner of our speech should be loving

The Process of Change Applied: Communication Put off lying. Put on speaking the truth in love (vv. 25, 15)  Learn to be a good listener: Concentrate and carefully consider what the other person is saying Don’t interrupt Don’t formulate your response while the person is still speaking Don’t do distracting things Don’t talk too much Repeat back in your own words what you think you heard Don’t talk over others

The Process of Change Applied: Communication Put off ignoring problems. Put on resolving conflicts quickly (v. 26)  “When you’re angry, don’t sin further by not reconciling. Repent of your anger and reconcile before the sun goes down”  Wrong ways to deal with conflict: “the loving thing to do is overlook it” Let time “heal it” Just live with it Wait for the other person to take the initiative Avoid it. Pretend it never happened

The Process of Change Applied: Communication Put off ignoring problems. Put on resolving conflicts quickly (v. 26)  Not reconciling right away leads to bitterness, resentment, distance, and a host of other problems.  Make a commitment with your spouse to not go to bed until a conflict is resolved.  Solicit the help of a godly couple or a leader in your church if you can’t resolve an issue on your own.

The Process of Change Applied: Communication Put off words that tear down. Put on words that build up and give grace (v. 29)  What does “unwholesome” mean?  Put off wrong goals: Make sure I’m heard Get my way Win the argument Hurt the other person Make myself look good Manipulate

The Process of Change Applied: Communication Put off words that tear down. Put on words that build up and give grace (v. 29)  What is the goal of biblical communication? Build up the other person Give them grace  Make sure your words are timely and appropriate to the need  Be solution oriented. Attack the problem, not the person.  Don’t grieve the Holy Spirit! (v. 30)

The Process of Change Applied: Communication Put off all forms of anger. Put on kindness, tender-heartedness, and forgiveness (vv )  Man’s anger does not achieve the righteousness of God (James 1:20)  Anger in all its forms must be put off. Learn to unmask anger for what it is: Miss hurt, upset, offended, bothered, annoyed Mr. irritated, resentful, Irate, enraged, got up on the wrong side of the bed Mrs. Disturbed, frustrated, disappointed, ticked off, displeased

The Process of Change Applied: Communication Put off all forms of anger. Put on kindness, tender-heartedness, and forgiveness (vv )  Anger can be: Bitterness (to revenge) Wrath (a flaring outburst) Anger (settled indignation, slow burn -> hostility) Clamor (harsh contention, loud quarreling or yelling) Slander (speech that injures) Malice (desire to harm someone else, evil intent)  Don’t blame shift, get defensive, minimize, or run away. Deal with your anger.

The Process of Change Applied: Communication Put off all forms of anger. Put on kindness, tender-heartedness, and forgiveness (vv )  Replace anger with: Kindness (courteous, useful, benevolent, “wanting to help”) Tender-heartedness (compassionate, having a “good heart”) Forgiving (give up right to hold a grudge or stay upset)  Let God’s forgiveness be both the motivation and model for your forgiveness of others.