Assertiveness II: Healthy Interactions Chapter 4.3.7

Overview In this presentation we will define assertiveness and discuss the skills needed for healthy, assertive communication. Participants should review the information in Assertiveness I: The Drama Triangle.

Assertiveness Assertiveness is self-assured and clear communication that respects one’s self and others. It is problem-oriented, not whiny, hurtful or punishing. It is confident and not defensive. It is present and open; clear and attentive to responses. It is honest.

Ultimately Assertiveness is ultimately about living our lives responsibly: Solving our own problems, Participating in community problem solving, and Doing so respectfully.

Differences Each of us is very different from one another, even though we are all human beings. In order to understand each other, we must communicate and this communication must be on-going. Being assertive simply means knowing who you are as a person and how to articulate that in a respectful way.

Too Responsible Many of us were also taught to be responsible, to do our share. We heard, “Don’t just sit there, do something”. This too can be over-done. We are not responsible for the life of a DB person. As a community member, we can work together with others to solve the problems of DB people as articulated by DB people.

ASSERTIVENESS SKILLS

Skills Being assertive is not simple. It takes: Self-awareness: the practice of noticing your feelings and emotions Analytical thinking skills: figuring out where the feelings and emotions are coming from Communication skills: communicating to others what you want changed, how etc. Negotiating skills

Self-Awareness Family patterns have influenced our interpretation of feelings. We might even find it hard to give ourselves permission to think about how we feel. The feeling of anger often masks other feelings such as fear.

Analyzing Our Patterns It will take time and practice to become more aware of all the feelings. Some dysfunctional beliefs keep us stuck: I must do it (no one else can do it) I must do it alone (it’s not ok to ask for help) I must do it perfectly (perfectionism) I must do it immediately (anxiety).

Being Articulate Sometimes we don’t have good words for our feelings. It may be scary to ‘put it out there’. We often do get push-back from others who do not want us to change, or to be assertive.

Negotiating Negotiating involves being aware of what you want or need in some detail, and what part of it “is negotiable” and what is not. Elements may include: When or where The amount of time Who will be involved, and how This all involves figuring out what the issues are.

DEFINING THE PROBLEM

For Example A DB man asks for extra help in his apartment because he has broken his ankle and is now having to use crutches. His regular SSP agrees to volunteer more time, but when she comes he wants to spend time chatting. The SSP just wants to help. What is the problem?

Analysis The DB man has two pressing needs: Practical help due to his broken ankle Wanting company and time to be with other people The SSP understands the extra practical needs due to the broken leg, but does not want to just be company.

Solution The SSP decides to let the DB man prioritize his needs. She agrees to volunteer 2 hours of extra help each week until he is mobile again, two hours which he can spend talking or having her do chores or some combination of the two.

Defining the Problem Defining the problem is not as easy as it sounds. Most real life problems are complex. Also, once you define the problem, you have to do something about it (and it may feel overwhelming). So, part of defining a problem is being able to break it down into its parts.

Previous Scenario In the earlier scenario with the man who had broken his ankle, each person involved had a perspective. For the DB man the problem appeared to be a need for practical help but was actually two needs, one for practical help and the other for company. The SSP did not have ‘a problem’ per se but rather had a goal (practical help) and time limits.

Previous Scenario, cont. The SSP respected the DB man’s authority to define his own priorities (company or practical help) and at the same time respected her own time limits.

EXERCISES

Analyze this Situation A rather heavy-set DB man had a habit of leaving his keys inside his apartment when he and the SSP left to go shopping. On return he would ask the SSP to climb in the bathroom window and open the door. The SSP thought once was understandable, twice was annoying and the third time was the limit. Discuss.

Another Situation A woman volunteering as an SSP working with a DB man finds that he seems to misunderstand her motivation, thinks of them as friends, and he would like to date her. What is the problem? Who owns the problem? What are the solutions? How does this relate to assertiveness?

One More Situation A male SSP works with a DB person. The SSP feels sorry for the DB man and often checks on him on weekends. Now, the SSP’s girlfriend is starting to complain that he is spending too much time with the DB man. The SSP talks with his friend about the situation and complains that his girlfriend does not understand his work as an SSP.

Analysis Discussion: What is the SSP’s problem? Solutions?

DEFINING THE PROBLEM

Pay-Offs We may also benefit from some of our dysfunctional behavior which makes it harder to give up: Praise for being self-sacrificing A sense of superiority Attention from others A sense of security from abandonment Permission to dump our anger on others

Problem Solving Which of the problems you have identified in your discussions are personal or inter-personal and which are the systemic problems? Thinking of the systemic problems, who are the stakeholders; how should they be involved?

Problem Solving, cont. Do any of these situations make you think of issues in your own life? Take some time to reflect how doing these exercises might help improve your SSP work.

GOING FORWARD

Systems There are huge barriers facing DB people. The solutions to knocking down these barriers will take collective action but not a “rescue.” In other words, it is not for hearing/sighted people to solve the problems but to support DB people as they solve their own problems.

Empowerment vs. Empowerment All of us involved in this work want to empower DB people, but our ideas about what that means may vary. One form of empowerment is to give DB people fish. The other kind of empowerment is to teach DB people how to fish.

Giving DB People Space Just listening without judgment can be empowering. Working as an SSP is empowering. Working as an interpreter is empowering. Providing information is empowering as long as it comes without judgments or implied “should’ messages.

Conclusion Being assertive assumes an underlying sense of respect for ourselves and for others. It assumes that we have both a right and a responsibility to take care of ourselves.

Conclusion, cont. It also assumes we have the ability to take care of ourselves, identify our own problems and the knowledge to come up with solutions. Assertiveness is mutually respectful.