Dating Violence and Rape Definitions and Warnings

Dating Violence: A pattern of behavior used to establish power and control over another person through fear and intimidation-often including the threat or use of violence. It occurs when one person believes they are entitled to control another person and those involved are in an intimate or close relationship.

Statistics on Teen Dating Violence 1 in 8 teens will experience physical violence in a dating relationship. 1 in 4 will be in an abusive relationship, although it may not involve physical violence. 80% of the assaults will include pushing, shoving, slapping and grabbing. 95% of the reported incidents are committed by males. Victims and abusers come from all different social and economic backgrounds.

Types of Abuse & Violence Physical: Can begin with threats of violence, punching fist through wall, escalates to pushing, slapping, restraining, etc. Finally, it becomes life threatening. Sexual: Any non-consensual, forced sexual behavior. It may escalate to rape or sexual assault. Emotional/Psychological: Mental violence that can include constant verbal threats and abuse, harassment, excessive possessiveness, isolating abused person from others, damage of personal property, intimidation, etc.

Warning Signs of a Partner Who Is or May Become Violent Wants to get serious quickly Will not take NO for an answer Is overly jealous and possessive Wants to pick their partners friends and activities Is controlling and bossy-makes the decisions Puts person down when alone or in front of others Makes partner feel guilty, “If you really loved me you would…” Blames the victim for what is wrong, “It’s because of you that I get so angry.”

Warning Signs, continued… Apologizes for violent behavior, “I’ll never do it again, I promise.” Has strong beliefs in traditional gender roles-(what a man should be and what a woman should be.) Abuses alcohol and drugs Tends to use violence to solve their problems-gets in many fights & has a quick temper

Why Teens Stay In Violent or Abusive Relationships Afraid parents will make them break up They are embarrassed or ashamed They are afraid the violence will escalate if they try to end the relationship Convinced it’s their fault They may think this is what a relationship is about-they have no experience with healthy dating relationships

Why Teens Stay, continued... They confuse jealousy with love They do not realize they are being abused-they may choose to ignore reality They think friends and family won’t believe them They have lost touch with friends because they have been isolated by partner There is a mix of “good times” and hope partner will change along with manipulation, intimidation and fear They believe that being involved with someone is the most important thing in their life

What To Do If In An Abusive Relationship Realize that it is not your/their (the one being abused) fault and it is NOT normal. TELL SOMEONE and ask for help to end the relationship:  Parents  Friends  Trusted adult  Counselor  Professional mental health worker  Police

RAPE 2 out of 5 girls have been raped or have experienced attempted rape 85% of victims know the rapist By definition, rape can and does happen to males! Rape: ANY sexual act against a person’s will or consent-also known as sexual assault Date Rape: Rape in which the rapist is personally known to the victim, usually within a dating relationship-also known as acquaintance rape

Stranger Rape: rape committed by a stranger or someone unknown to the victim Statutory Rape: any sexual activities which occur between adults and underage adolescents or children, even if the minor believes the sexual relationship is consensual (In Utah, the age of sexual consent is 18. ) Gang Rape: rape committed by two or more people Sexual Pressure: the use of emotional persuasion-can be verbal or nonverbal

POSSIBLE CHARACTERISTICS OF A RAPIST Ignores what you say Talks through you as if you’re not there Subtly or overtly puts you down Never looks at you-especially in the eye Teases you about something you’re sensitive about Acts more friendly when you’re alone than when friends are around Always does what they want, never what you want

POSSIBLE CHARACTERISTICS OF A DATE RAPIST, continued… Suddenly appears hostile or jealous without apparent cause Shows or uses violence in other situations (against animals, children, etc.) Touches private parts of your body “by accident” Stares at the private parts of your body Repeatedly suggests that you go somewhere to be alone

Possible Causes of Rape Jealousy Rejection Low Self-Esteem Poor Coping Skills Power and Control Revenge They Assume “Yes” and Won’t Take “NO” for an Answer

Causes, continued… Drinking Alcohol (by rapist or victim) Taking Drugs (by rapist or victim)  “Roofies”-Date Rape Drug Short for ROHYPNOL, now considered the “date rape drug.” It is a very potent tranquilizer similar to valium, but much stronger. They are slipped into the drinks of unsuspecting victims in hopes of lower inhibitions or causing blackouts, making “sexual conquest” easier. Besides facilitating rape, rohypnol can lead to even more deadly consequences such as respiratory depression, aspiration and death when mixed with alcohol or other drugs.

HOW TO HELP SOMEONE WHO HAS BEEN RAPED BELIEVE the experience without question. REASSURE them that blame for the rape rests squarely and only with the rapist and they did the best they knew how in a deadly situation. RESPECT their fears and help them find ways to increase their safety. ACCEPT their strong feelings. LISTEN without making judgments or giving advice. ENCOURAGE victim to relax his/her self- expectations. LET the victim make their own decisions. CARE about the victim during and continue caring after.

Preventative Behaviors Know Your Limits and Communicate Them  Don’t wait until you are in the “heat of the moment” Be Assertive  Say STOP, NO and repeat-get out of the situation if necessary Be Aware of Your Non-Verbal Cues  Flirting, the way you dress, etc. Pay Attention to Your Surroundings  Know where you are and how to get away if necessary-trust your instincts Avoid Use of Alcohol and Drugs  They cloud your judgment and make you unaware of what may be happening around you Don’t Assume Anything  Trust your instincts

AVOIDING DATING VIOLENCE & RAPE Public places Share expenses Avoid drugs and alcohol Avoid “confusing” behavior Be forceful & don’t be afraid to hurt them Be loud, leave and go for help Be careful what you drink Have cab fare, a cell phone, etc. Tell someone who you are with and where you are going

TAKE PRECAUTIONS AT HOME Keeps doors, windows, and shades locked and have a peep hole in doors looking outside Keep entrances well lit Don’t open door to strangers, require ID from service personnel Don’t hide a key Don’t use first name in phonebook or on mailbox

TAKE PRECAUTIONS ON THE STREET Always walk confidently and quickly If approached with a question be brief Cross to the other side if being approached by a group Walk only in well lit, busy areas Have your keys ready Use your keys as a weapon if necessary

TAKE PRECAUTIONS IN YOUR CAR Park in well lit areas Lock doors and have keys ready-even lock doors when driving! Check to make sure car is empty before getting in If being followed don’t go home, drive to police station If you have car trouble or are in an accident, don’t accept help from strangers-ask them to go for help

HOW TO PROTECT YOURSELF Act as if you are sure of yourself and your destination -attackers are looking for someone vulnerable Don’t trust strangers Do trust your feelings-get out if you feel at all uncomfortable or intimidated

HOW TO ESCAPE Respond quickly, aggressively and with more than one tactic: Convince him that you will submit so he will let go of your hands Attack eyes with thumbs on eyeballs Grip and rip his private area Shove palm of hand up nose Stomp on foot Heel of shoe scratched down shin Scratch face to show evidence of struggle and get skin samples Urinate, vomit, say you have STD’s Keep moving and struggling Remember if you don’t report the incident, your attacker will be free to repeat what he did to you

IF YOU ARE VICTIMIZED Go to an emergency room or Crisis Center immediately Take a friend for support and to help you remember things Call the police immediately Don’t shower! Save clothing and bedding Make a conscious effort to remember details like physical features, license plates, etc. Follow up on STD tests