Pasig Married Devotionals Mastering Basics

Ever had troubles communicating with someone via cellphone? Ever had troubles communicating with someone via cellphone? Hirap pag putol-putol ang signal… Hirap pag putol-putol ang signal…

Choppy ka! Better Communication for Couples

Patterns make a marriage Research tells us that the kind of marriage and the kind of communication pattern in a marriage is related to how couples fight (what they do when there is tension) Research tells us that the kind of marriage and the kind of communication pattern in a marriage is related to how couples fight (what they do when there is tension) Marriages tend to fall into three categories: validating, volatile, and avoidant. Marriages tend to fall into three categories: validating, volatile, and avoidant.

Listen to three couples: Listen to three couples: Betty and Bert (Validating) Betty and Bert (Validating) Max and Anita (Volatile) Max and Anita (Volatile) Joey and Sheila (Avoidant) Joey and Sheila (Avoidant)

Couple # 1 Betty: Parang may gumugulo sa akin…kasi ang tagal na nating hindi nag-ddate. Hindi ko na maalala kung kelan yung huling time na lumabas tayong dalawa. Bert: So, gusto mo mag-date? Betty: Siyempre. Nakakapagod din kasi dito sa bahay. Gusto ko naming lumabas at magenjoy, kaya lang pagdumarating ka, pagod ka na at gusto mo nalang manood ng TV or matulog. Bert: Ok…

Betty: Tapos pag Sabado at Linggo, ayaw mo paring lumabas. Bert: Alam mo naman kasing ang haba ng oras ko sa trabaho, kaya pagdating ko sa bahay, gusto ko ma-feel na ‘at home’ ako. Betty: Home ‘at last’? Bert: Yup! Yung walang demands, walang pressure, yung relax lang. Betty: Ok. Pero, hindi ba relaxing din yung kumain tayo sa labas o manood ng sine? Gusto mo naman yun dati, di ba?

Bert: Oo nga gusto ko yun dati, pero siguro dahil din sa pressure sa trabaho, gusto dito nalang sa bahay mag- relax. Betty: So, ano suggestion mo? Bert: Ok lang sakin lumabas, basta wag every week. Betty: Ok, how about every other week nalang? Bert: Sige ayos yun. Betty: Ayan, start tayo next week, ha? Bert: Sure honey. Betty: Thanks honey.

Couple #2 Anita: Parang may gumugulo sa akin…kasi ang tagal na nating hindi nag-ddate. Hindi ko na maalala kung kelan yung huling time na lumabas tayong dalawa. Max: So, anong gusto mong mangyari? Eh, alam mo namang pagod na pagod na ako pagdating ditto sa bahay. Anita: Pagod? Eh, kaya ka nga mag-rerelax. Max: Sobrang pagod na nga ako, so mas gusto ko mag- relax dito sa bahay, at hindi na lalabas. Anita: Eh pagod din naman ako dito sa pagaayos sa bahay. Kala mo ba wala akong ginagawa? [getting mad]

Max: Maghapon nga ako sa trabaho, tapos pagdating ko dito sa bahay, papalabasin mo na naman ako? Anita: Eh ako rin naman buong araw dito sa bahay; gusto ko ring lumabas minsan-minsan! Palibhasa, pagdating mo dito, matutulog ka na o manonood ngTV… Max: A basta mas gusto ko matulog. Anita: O sige, eh di ako nalang lalabas. Max: Lumabas ka, ako matutulog.

Couple #3 Sheila: Parang may gumugulo sa akin…kasi ang tagal na nating hindi nag-ddate. Hindi ko na maalala kung kelan yung huling time na lumabas tayong dalawa. Sheila: Parang may gumugulo sa akin…kasi ang tagal na nating hindi nag-ddate. Hindi ko na maalala kung kelan yung huling time na lumabas tayong dalawa. Joey: A, talaga? Joey: A, talaga? Sheila: Siyempre. Nakakapagod din kasi dito sa bahay. Gusto ko naming lumabas at magenjoy, kaya lang pagdumarating ka, pagod ka na at gusto mo nalang manood ng TV or matulog. Sheila: Siyempre. Nakakapagod din kasi dito sa bahay. Gusto ko naming lumabas at magenjoy, kaya lang pagdumarating ka, pagod ka na at gusto mo nalang manood ng TV or matulog.

Joey: Eh talagang pagod ako eh. Saka nalang natin pagusapan. Joey: Eh talagang pagod ako eh. Saka nalang natin pagusapan. Sheila: Hmmm. Saka nalang… Sheila: Hmmm. Saka nalang… Joey: Oo, saka nalang. Joey: Oo, saka nalang. Sheila: Pero diba mas ok na pagusapan din natin ito? Sheila: Pero diba mas ok na pagusapan din natin ito? Joey: Pero pagod ako, tsaka ikaw din. Joey: Pero pagod ako, tsaka ikaw din. Sheila: Another time nalang nga. Sheila: Another time nalang nga. Joey: Saka na. (goes to the room) Joey: Saka na. (goes to the room)

Validating pattern Even when discussing a hot topic, they display a lot of ease and calm. Even when discussing a hot topic, they display a lot of ease and calm. They have a keen ability to listen to and understand the other’s point of view and emotions. They have a keen ability to listen to and understand the other’s point of view and emotions. They still let their partner know that they consider his/her opinions valid even if they don’t agree with them. They still let their partner know that they consider his/her opinions valid even if they don’t agree with them. Validating couples tend to pick their battles carefully. Problems = way for discussion, not call to arms Validating couples tend to pick their battles carefully. Problems = way for discussion, not call to arms There is no arm-twisting or insistence that their perspective alone is valid. There is no arm-twisting or insistence that their perspective alone is valid. They negotiate a compromise that they both like or can at least live with. They negotiate a compromise that they both like or can at least live with.

Volatile pattern Marked by high level of engagement during discussions. Marked by high level of engagement during discussions. They have little interest in hearing each other’s point of view in the heat of argument. They have little interest in hearing each other’s point of view in the heat of argument. They don’t try to understand and empathize with their partner, instead they jump right into persuading their partner. They don’t try to understand and empathize with their partner, instead they jump right into persuading their partner. For volatile couples, winning the argument is what it’s all about. For volatile couples, winning the argument is what it’s all about. Discussion is littered with ‘Yes you do’ and ‘NO I don’t’ Discussion is littered with ‘Yes you do’ and ‘NO I don’t’

Avoidant pattern They can be called ‘conflict minimizers’ because they make light of their differences rather than resolving them. They can be called ‘conflict minimizers’ because they make light of their differences rather than resolving them. This style leaves husband and wife very unschooled in how to address a conflict should they someday be forced to do so. This style leaves husband and wife very unschooled in how to address a conflict should they someday be forced to do so. Husband or wife may feel that the other doesn’t really know or understand them. Husband or wife may feel that the other doesn’t really know or understand them.

Attitudes for better patterns Be interested Be interested Be empathetic Be empathetic Be accepting Be accepting Be appreciative Be appreciative

Be interested! Pr 18:22 He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD. Focus on your spouse Focus on your spouse Maximize eye contact Maximize eye contact Avoid talking in front of the TV Avoid talking in front of the TV Try to respond with ‘uhuhs’ or nods Try to respond with ‘uhuhs’ or nods

According to the author of the book “How to Be Happy Though Married,” all people have some attraction to other people—and not primarily because of appearance. We can sometimes feel that magnetic attraction to a rather plain person of the opposite sex yet feel none at all to a beautiful or handsome person. According to the author of the book “How to Be Happy Though Married,” all people have some attraction to other people—and not primarily because of appearance. We can sometimes feel that magnetic attraction to a rather plain person of the opposite sex yet feel none at all to a beautiful or handsome person.

Be empathetic! Pr 17:17 A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity. Look at your spouse’s face and try to feel Try to put yourself in your spouse’s shoes If you can’t relate, you can say an affirmative comment

For the volatile Believe that you can control your tongue! Believe that you can control your tongue! Some No-No’s: hiwalayan, always-never Some No-No’s: hiwalayan, always-never Better to not say it than to say it wrong Better to not say it than to say it wrong

Be accepting Pr 18:13 He who answers before listening— that is his folly and his shame. Pr 17:19a He who loves a quarrel loves sin; Avoid rejection Avoid rejection Avoid reacting too quickly Avoid reacting too quickly Opinions may differ; need is to respect each other’s opinion (no need to quarrel) Opinions may differ; need is to respect each other’s opinion (no need to quarrel)

For the avoidant Believe that God can help you work out differences Believe that God can help you work out differences Fight the Bump-o-phobia! Fight the Bump-o-phobia!

From the book “Words to live by” From the book “Words to live by” The Bible makes clear: offenses will come…disputes will happen. The problem is, humans tend to see all conflict as evil and so avoid it at all costs. This usually means that they simply let tensions build until they become explosive.

Be appreciative Lift up efforts to communicate: “Thanks for telling me” or “Ngayon mas naintindihan kita…” Lift up efforts to communicate: “Thanks for telling me” or “Ngayon mas naintindihan kita…” Find things you agree about Find things you agree about Affirm when something is true, e.g. “May point ka diyan sa sinabi mo…” Affirm when something is true, e.g. “May point ka diyan sa sinabi mo…” Thank God for each other in prayer Thank God for each other in prayer

Attitudes for better patterns Be interested Be interested Be empathetic Be empathetic Be accepting Be accepting Be appreciative Be appreciative

Let us have marriages that glorify God as we grow in communication!