Confrontation, Compassion and Forgiveness: A Triage for Transformation James Prager October 3, 2010 My goal is to present how the combination of confrontation, compassion, and forgiveness has made such a huge difference in my life and hopefully in the lives of those who I touch on a daily basis. I intend to share who I am today compared to 22 years ago, the seemingly unimportant decisions and thinking errors that produced my own misbehavior, and how the combination of confrontation, compassion, and forgiveness has made a difference in my life. I view my own growth not as an exception because there are many people who are learning to live with pedophilia and living a very full, happy, and productive lives in the process.

The Plan for Sharing Today Seemingly Unimportant Decisions 7 Thinking Errors How Recovery and Community change Thinking Errors A Busy and productive life today SUD- I plan to share how pedophile behavior came to become something I could accept in myself How the Thinking Errors which will be identified and discussed grew out of the SUD’s and developed a life of their own in isolation How contact with family and friends including many who are mental health professionals challenged those thinking errors The activities which I am involved in today create responsibility, accountability, and love in my life

Who I Am Sex Offender Social Worker Status in full compliance with regulations regarding Sex Offender Registration Social Worker MSW, Wash U. Employed at the Reentry Coalition of Northwest Ohio Member of Reform Sex Offender Laws (RSOL) My story I am an MSW social worker with 16 years experience working with both children and geriatric populations. Graduated in 1973 from Wash. Un. I am also a sex offender who served 9 years in prison for sexually abusing of a child during the period of 1985-1988 I am in full compliance with regulations regarding sex offender registration although it needs to be noted that recent changes regarding the implementation of Adam Walsh and subsequent Ohio Supreme Court rulings have created a great deal of confusion and ambiguity for both offenders and law enforcement. In addition, those of us who travel face different laws and interpretations of the same law so that it can be difficult to know how to proceed. In Florida, for example, 2 different counties provided me with opposite instructions regarding registration even when using the same statue. I am involved in data collection at Re-Entry to assist in evaluating the effectiveness of our programs but also participate in Citizens Circle groups where I encourage members to become part of the community and use the example of many of us who are not committing new crimes I am also in the process of re-applying for my social work license and hope to expand my work in the field of addiction and/or prisoner reentry I am a member of Reform Sex Offender Laws organization which I will talk about later I am also an unpublished author regarding my story as an offender and the process of recovery

Seemingly Unimportant Decisions Seemingly unimportant decisions led to thinking errors- These can appear to be unimportant at the time but have consequences later. College story Decision #1: Children are a stress reliever Decision #2: I’m entitled and not doing anything wrong None of this addresses childhood issues but adult thinking and decision making It doesn’t happen that someone wakes up one morning saying, I am going to molest a child today. There are a series of decisions based on thoughts and feelings and actions which form a chain that lead to this behavior. I now will present a SUD which lead to inappropriate behavior 18 years later. Moved from dorm to live with friend Next door neighbors and interaction with them Phone call from father Weekend trip home

Thinking Errors Cognitive distortions which are later used to justify bad behavior. Thinking errors developed in isolation rather than as part of dialogue and sharing with others. The isolation allows the distortions to grow and fester Cognitive distortions which are later used to justify bad behavior. These are based on the SUD’s and deepen the chasm between reality and the behavior I was starting to pursue. Thinking errors developed in isolation rather than as part of dialogue and sharing with others. The isolation allows the distortions to grow and fester

Thinking Errors I am providing affection Contact is not sexual It’s only one child If you want to have fun, you MUST go outside the family Sense of entitlement Affection – Children need affection so I am providing it Definition of sex – Changed the definition to meet my needs. The grooming process that we use on victims is also something we use first with ourselves to justify and normalize our behavior. An example to me is President Clinton’s famous words, “I didn’t have sex with that woman.” Also Michael Jackson-I would never hurt a child- He probably believes that sex doesn’t hurt a child and/or that what he is doing is not sex. Only one child – as if I had the right to hurt only one child. This demonstrates how far and dangerous thinking errors can become Can’t enjoy family Protected my children and those of close friends Created conditions for Sexual Anorexia – still very much operative today in a different form The assumption for me is that family is a work unit and not one where joy can be felt Sense of entitlement Common to addicts Result of early confrontation with father

Thinking Errors (continued) Suicidal thinking, avoidance of responsibility, and keeping the cycle going If people really knew me they would not like me (fear of abandonment) One of the 4 core beliefs of sex addicts first noted by Patrick Carnes Suicidal thinking If I commit suicide now, nobody will know what I did With suicide, I never have to accept responsibility for my behavior or make amends Suicidal feelings become part of the addictive cycle to avoid feelings of shame restarting a process of acting out again. Taking over for my Higher Power to decide when life is terminated as if I am in control. If people really knew me, they wouldn’t like me. I felt this long before I molested but until then had nothing specific to pin that on. Projecting my own abandonment of others on them. Double self-punishment Being a good fake and conning friends – led to shame Double life – led to shame and stress

IT IS IMPORTANT TO DIAGNOSE THE PROBLEM Evaluate mental health issues Evaluate addiction issues Assess family history and dynamics Don’t overlook medical issues Assess how these interrelate I have battled depression since I was at least 8 years old. I was ADHD and virtually raised on Ritalin. At age 4, I had encephalitis which often was fatal at that time. My father fled Nazi Germany. While in prison and several treatment providers since have raised the likelihood that I have Asperger’s Syndrome which is a form of autism. Tony Atwood in his The Complete Guide to Asperger’s Syndrome states may not have had the usual social, sensual, and sexual experiences of typical adolescents and may develop sexually arousing fantasies involving objects, clothing, children, or animals. This is a potentially important piece of information which could have been helpful if diagnosed when I was younger.

Recovery Experiences This is most definitely not a blank slide. There have been many positive and negative experiences as a recovering person

White Pine Hospital As A Starting Point The journey begins auspiciously Relationship with ex-wife I’ll help you if you help yourself Visiting conflicts Relationship with step-son Relationship with friends Realization of recovery options Relationships provide hope that I can change White Pine is a psychiatric hospital where I spent 30 days following a suicide attempt the day after I was interrogated by the police Ex-wife I’ll help you if you help yourself – supportive and affirming, until… Visiting conflicts Won’t bring babies who were 8 months at the time without commitment to not attempt suicide Felt blackmailed and rebellious like a child not willing yet to give up control Resolved over the next 6 months when I was confronted with my stubborn and controlling behavior; one of the first positive confrontations which lead directly to healing As a result I remained as actively involved with my children as possible during their growing up years Step-son Returned home from OK to visit his mother and talk with my therapist at White Pine, but did not want to talk to me Two weeks later he did want to talk and said in his previous trip he wanted to make sure I had a good therapist I think this was his way of expressing love and concern Christmas visit He flew in from OK, I met him at the airport, he gave me a big hug In the car he lit into me, read me the riot act, “I didn’t know if I was going to hug you or hit you”, he lost a friend due to my behavior The expressing and accepting of anger was the start of healing Sue She was the first person (outside of the family) who knew voluntarily She was the first person to identify me as an addict challenging me to read Out of the Shadows She wrote a letter stating her belief that I was attracted to her son –adding that she viewed me not as a bad person but a sick one trying to get better. difficult to read and acknowledge. This as well as other interactions made me realize that my thoughts about being an offender were based on lies and distortions. This created both an opportunity and responsibility. Recovery options – through these experiences, realized that there was a way to get better 12-step, individual and marital therapy, Aversion, Parents United

Changing Thinking Errors Through Recovery I am providing affection, contact is not sexual It’s only one child If you want to have fun, you must go outside the family Sense of entitlement Suicidal thinking and avoidance of responsibility I am providing affection, contact is not sexual Through communication with Sue realized that interaction with her son was not providing affection but instead providing a fix and for me the contact had been sexual for me. It’s only one child Through 12-step and counseling I gained clarity to realize this was minimizing and a rationalization. Dehumanizing and objectifying someone is always destructive Can’t enjoy family, need to look outside for pleasure Still a work in progress but learning to appreciate the many different ways of showing someone you love them. In both rehab. and other sources we work on the many ways of showing and receiving love. Sense of entitlement I am not “King Baby”, I have a responsibility to relationships (significant others, family, other people in recovery) I’m not an island, I’m part of a community Suicidal thinking Learned that suicide is a form of abandonment (I will leave you before you leave me) What I do matters People important to me were as angry about the lying as the sexual misbehavior. Why didn’t you ask for help? Why didn’t you come to me(us)?

Changing Thinking Errors Through Recovery (continued) If people really knew me they would not like me (fear of abandonment) One of Patrick Carnes core beliefs Contact with family Contact with friends Contact with colleagues Contact with victims of sexual abuse Family My mother had already died and my father had dementia at the time of my arrest. My sister was intially supportive and helpful but also very controlling. She was never able to overcome the shame of having a family member who molested a child and was never able to bring herself to visit me in prison. She also couldn’t bring herself to talk with me about that. Ex-wife knew what I did and was willing to help Believed suicide was not an option no matter what Friends Sue – first to lovingly confront and label me as an addict; speak about my attraction to her son as part of the addiction: offered to be my shame sponsor Gail and Dale – Initially broke off friendship but renewed it 3 months later; supported and spoke at my parole hearing; trusting with their children. Gail is a social worker and has often commented that my recovery and experiences in prison have helped her understand the dynamics more clearly and also helped her help the children on her caseload who have an incarcerated parent. Stu and Barb – Initial response during car trip; Passover in prison; phone calls, humor, and visits since Colleagues Paula-I ran into her at a mutual collegeagues funeral-She glared with hatred at me. I subsequently learned that the police had questioned her during the investigation which I remained unaware of until later. She knew what was to come with me but there was no interaction between us regarding that. Dave and Jane – initial support; celebrated last night of freedom with Champaign; relationship with Dave changed over time (long talk after I paroled) Larry and Jackie – hospital visits just 3 days after the suicide attempt.; continued email contact with Larry Victims Have not had contact with the people I molested but in many of the 12 step groups, I have heard the story of victims. Jeff and daughter (victim of sexual assault) visited me in prison; sharing of experiences and healing; daughter disclosed her own victimization SAA member had a son who had been molested; talking and coffee helped us resolve our issues

The Community of Recovery SAA and SLAA and SA Sexual Rehabilitation Programs Provision of feedback, support, and tough love Reducing isolation, building trust to overcome the sickness of our secrets The Immediate acceptance and caring of 12 step groups I started SAA in 1989 and still have contact with one person from that group. Spell out Sex Addicts Anonymous and/or Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous There is a strong sense of community in 12 step groups. There is also acceptance and lack of judgment I spent 44 days in a sexual rehab program in 2007 following a serious bout of depression. and discovered the same sense of community which works for me almost 3 years after leaving the program Shame reduction is a powerful tool working with a sponsor in addition to the groups. Groups such as Offending Behavior and Grief programs as well as psychodrama have a bonding effect and so much can be learned from active doing and sharing. 3x5 story

Prisoner Reentry With the large number of people being released from prison on an annual basis, this is a critical need for both public safety and the individuals involved As someone released and with a professional degree, I am in a good position to help these individuals; especially those who are sex offenders. With our large prison population and generally unacceptable rates of recidivism, prisoner reentry is a field of growing significance. The Second Chance Act and stimulus funding is providing increasing programs available to us. This includes assistance with housing, job readiness(the soft skills needed to keep a job), mental health needs, family support, education, and life skills. In Ohio, 28000 people will be released from prisons this year and 1200 will return to Lucas County where I live. I am closely involved with Citizens Circles which are support groups for people released from jail and prison. The participant will speak briefly about him or herself and we then go around the room asking questions. After 15 min. we then go around presenting a positive feature this person offers. The goal is to build on the positives and rewrite the negative script from prison. We encourage participants to set goals and work to achieve them. The situation is improving for all offenders. My friend Don who spent 23 years in prison had his rent paid until Social Security kicked in. My greatest interest here is helping newly released sex offenders. I also have a great interest in changing perceptions of sex offenders released from prison; both from using myself and others as examples and to impress on those who are released of the responsibility and challenges waiting for them. It is not common knowledge but sex offenders actually have one of the lowest recidivism rate of any crime although you would never know that by watching the news.

Reform Sex Offender Laws Goals are to create safer communities without use of the registry Build coalitions with like-minded groups which includes defense attorneys and victims' rights groups who are more interested in safety and accountability than retribution I attended the RSOL conference this past June. One presenter was from the Dept. of Justice talking about Second Chance. One of the presenters at the conference helped write the sex registry law in GA but is now working to modify or overturn them feeling they are being misused. There were some very powerful presentations about how the registry is not meeting the goal of making communities and children safer. The phrase moral panic was used. Our politicians are afraid of changing the registry because of the fear of looking soft on child molesters. This creates a situation where people are feeling abused by the system based on the lies of the registry and families of offenders are harassed and discriminated against. There is anecdotal evidence that a growing number of families where incest is an issue are reluctant to turn family members in or seek treatment due to embarrassment of having family members listed on the registry. Stop It Now also advocates for abolishing the registry because it provides a false sense of security. I have found almost nothing about the registry which would stop me from re-offending if I wanted to do so. Studies indicate that residency restrictions do not improve the safety of children since the vast majority of abuse happens in the home where the distance from schools are irrelevant. The added burdens place stress on families as well. In Delaware, there is a 9 year old on the registry.

MIND OF A MOLESTER I am writing my story of recovery to bring a different voice to the loud, fearful, and angry discussion of child sexual abuse. Tracing back the series of SUD’s which lead to my behavior 18 years later. The goal is to share a different voice and tone in the discussion The book is aimed at professionals, parents, and those struggling with and/or acting on pedophile impulses From a public policy prospective, we can know how many sex offenders are registered(889 in Lucas County, OH) and we estimate the number of adults who were victimized as children. However, there is almost no study of how many people are engaged in pedophile activity or struggling with urges. The only study I found was about 20 years ago and this stated that 5% of the undergraduate males in the study would have sex with a small child if they could get away with it. Small child was not defined. I urge the professionals of SASH, Kinsey Institute, and other institutions to find ways to study this aspect of the issue so that we can encourage our politicians and public health officials to devise more effective ways of helping protect our children.

TRAVEL TYME ? The concept began in June 2008 when my partner and I celebrated 20 years of no molesting behavior on my part. During the boat ride, I accidently touched the woman seated on my left and my addict was hooked. Our discussion as a couple lead to wanting to find ways to help people travel safely. I do know how to spell Time. The concept of Travel Tyme started 2 years ago when my partner and I went to Florida to celebrate 20 years of no molesting behavior. Part of the trip involved an air boat in the Everglades. During the ride I accidently touched a female seated next to me which triggered the addictive responses and I positioned my hand to “accidently” touch her twice more during the ride My partner and I talked about this and I ranted that our next vacation would be to Antarctica. Travel Tyme proposes to help people with addictions and/or legal issues to travel safely. We hope to guide people to plan trips with recovery in mind and welcome any suggestions you as professionals can provide us.