Partnering With Parents: How to talk so parents hear you MALCOLM SMITH, PhD, CFLE Family Education and Family Policy Specialist UNH Cooperative Extension MALCOLM SMITH, PhD, CFLE Family Education and Family Policy Specialist UNH Cooperative Extension

WHAT IF? I’ve never been a parent myself? –You were raised in a “family” weren’t you? –Remember complex problems, like obesity require “systems” approaches – you are an outside resource that has the power to connect them to resources. I’m younger than the parents I am talking to? –Help them understand the child’s perspective, partner, don’t preach! I am struggling with the same issues myself? –Use this to your advantage! –Show them your plan, your struggle and your hope for change –Be a great role model

How to talk about tough issues 1. Schedule the meeting in advance at their convenience 2. Let them know the topic – This should be a discussion, not a lecture 3. Pick a comfortable place 4. Think about what you’ll say 5. Thank them for coming 6. Compliment their child 3 times 7. Make it private 8. Be patient and listen! 9. Read body language 10. Always finish with a plan

WHEN TALKING ABOUT SENSITIVE ISSUES: Put aside your assumptions and preconceived notions Put yourself in their shoes Focus on helping the CHILD Be open to parents ideas and suggestions Finish your session with a positive plan and a specific path to follow Thank the parents for sharing their feelings and their hopes with you

PARTNER ING WITH PARENTS BUILD TRUST –Make sure they know your discussion is private –Be culturally sensitive –Encourage parents to talk to you and react to what you are telling them –Be Patient: some people think faster than they can talk – silence is OK. –Let them finish before you talk. –Provide connections or solutions

National Extension Parent Education Model

SIX RULES OF ATTACHMENT ●1. ATTACHMENT IS THE PROCESS DURING WHICH BABY FALLS MADLY, HOPELESSLY, “HEAD OVER HEELS” IN LOVE FOR THE FIRST TIME..... ●2. IT DOES NOT MATTER WHO IT HAPPENS WITH, JUST THAT IT HAPPENS. THE ATTACHMENT PROVIDER NEED ONLY RETURN THE LOVE ●3. THE LONGER ATTACHMENT IS DELAYED IN A CHILD’S LIFE, THE MORE DIFFICULT THE PROCESS... ●4. UNATTACHED CHILDREN AND ADULTS KEEP SEARCHING, BUT OFTEN LOOK IN THE WRONG PLACES ●5. WITHOUT ATTACHMENT, EMOTIONAL TURMOIL IS CERTAIN..... ●6. AN UNATTACHED PERSON WILL EVENTUALLY LOSE THE WILL TO THRIVE

RULE #1 – talking With parents REDUCE, RATHER THAN BUILD FAMILY STRESS! –Make sure you have the facts –Don’t ever make things seem worse than they really are –Always be solution focused! –Pay attention to how you are being received

RULE #2 SEE IT FROM THEIR PERSPECTIVE, NOT JUST YOURS –IF YOU DON’T KNOW, DON’T SPECULATE! –ENCOURAGE A SECOND OPINION –DON’T MINIMIZE THE STRESS THAT YOU MAY BE CAUSING

RULE #3 CONNECT –“Isolation Breeds Abuse” –Many free and evidence- based resources exist – –Family Resource Centers:

RULE #4 LEARN HOW TO REALLY LISTEN: REFRAIN FROM ALL “CLINICAL” LISTENING –Listen and speak on the parent’s level –Empathy and understanding –Use “I” and “we” statements rather than “you” should or “in your case”

RULE #5 COME DOWN OFF YOUR HIGH HORSE : –Use humor –Use storytelling and metaphor –Draw upon your own family experiences –Always ask, if this were my child, or my family, how would I feel?

Rule #6 PARENTING IS AN ART AND NOT A SCIENCE –There are many approaches that appear to get good results –Because every family is a unique environment, every case is unique –Reward parents for creativity and peaceful approaches

RULE #7 DON’T BE QUICK TO USE LABELS AND JARGON –Give HOPE –A little label can go a long way –Avoid “psychobabble”

RULE #8 BEHAVIOR RELATED PROBLEMS ARE OFTEN ROOTED IN THE ECOLOGY OF THE CHILD –Microsystem –Mesosytem –Exosystem –Macrosystem AND SO ARE SOLUTIONS!

resources Communicating Sensitivity With Parents: The National Extension Parent Education Model: Parenting For Dummies by Sandra Hardin Gookin, IDG Books UNH COOPERATIVE EXTENSION: