Mortimer Mannya COMMUNICATION IN THE MARRIAGE PARTNERSHIP

Marriage Seminar PURPOSE: To encourage Christian couples towards fulfilling, God honoring Marriages. OBJECTIVE: To increase awareness on various communication issues Requirements for good communication. Different perceptions between genders. Different Levels of communication. Some useful Tips in relationship management

Current issues affecting healthy marriages Ignorance of Gods word and His power (design & operation). Focus has moved from Christlikeness to worldlikeness. Understanding of divine order of relationships have been polluted ( Headship/ submission). Are men and women Equal? (Ask Traditional men including Jewish Rabbis) The same? ( Ask modernist esp Womens lib proponents). Rebellion (–subtle or overt) to accept and practice the divine order. Should Headship be Oppressive or abusive? Should submission be slavery or grudgy?

THE MARRIAGE BLUEPRINT HUSBANDWIFE 1 Peter 3:7 Treat her kindly/ tenderly Titus 2:4 ….. to love him Eph 5:33 Love her as you love yourself Eph5:22 : Submit to him Prov 5:18 Enjoy herProv 31:12 Do him good 1Cor 7:3 Satisfy her …needs1 Cor 7:3 Satisfy his … needs God has always had a plan for marriage as part of his will. He has it all worked out with no need for additions. Anyone who wants a life fulfilling marriage must follow God ’ s plan. This plan is an all-time plan. It is an all culture, an all locations plan. WHAT THE BIBLE SAYS

THE JERICHO WALLS

The Road, the Bridge, the Gate into someone’s life. Read the map well else you will get lost. COMMUNICATION BETWEEN MARRIAGE PARTNERS

Can two people walk together unless they are agreed? Amos 3:3

What communication involves? No two people can effectively walk together, work together or live together without good communication (Amos 3:3) Eph 4:15 but speaking truth in love, we may grow up in all things into him, who is the head, even Christ; Speak (Action) “The Truth, (Content) In Love - Motivation

How communication can be improved. The basic requirements of good communication. Mutual openness and honesty. How frank and open are we? Self Control. Eph4: Charitable, forbearing and accepting spirit Good listening skills Right attitude. Good Timing Respect for others opinion. Set Ground rules.

Why the Anger? "Just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so upset about it!"

“ I married a prosecutor or a judge but I didn’t bring an advocate along to assist me in this marriage”

“ Men and women are created divinely differrent” So different as if “Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus” Dr John Gray -

Differences between men and women Men offer solutions & invalidate feelings. In stress they pull away & silently think of what bothers them. Different language – Men talk things, solid and dry. Men talk only to solve problems Men are motivated when they feel needed. Men give score for big achievements only. Dr John Gray – Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, - Women offer unsolicited advice & give direction. They instinctively to talk about what is bothering them. They express how the feel about issues. Women talk for fellowship. They motivated when they feel cherished. Women give score for many achievements.

SAME OR DIFFERENT? Are men and women different in communication needs, expressions, and perceptions? Do we use the same words implying different things? Do we hear and listen selectively, if yes what do we choose?

WHAT IS IMPORTANT FOR MEN AND WOMEN IN COMMUNICATION Men care about thoughts, facts and the process, women care about feelings, relationships and results. Women express themselves immediately, men need time to think first. The Choice, the Use and the Meaning of words differ with gender– Women use and interprete figurative language, men prefer straight forward language. Women use questions and interjections during the conversation to encourage speaking, men see that as being too inquisitive or interruptive, they prefer quiet uninteruptive listening. Women use generalization, men prefer specifics. E.g “you never, you always, most people” Performance assessment– Men focus and recognize Big projects, Women focus and recognize Many projects and all get the same score. Men emphasize power relations, women look for intimacy & connection.

Do you recognize these expressions, Who uses them, what they mean? “ Tell me exactly……” or “ Does that mean I” “ Hi, Think before you lip” & “ Oh! Think until you forget” You Always come home late, ….. “Its nothing” Everyone in the street owns a car, No, I am Ok or fine. No One helps Its no big deal” “Everything in this marriage is a mess” “I am all right”

Words Women Use

FINE This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

FIVE MINUTES If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

NOTHING This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine."

GO AHEAD This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.

LOUD SIGH This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

THAT'S OKAY This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

THANKS A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.

WHATEVER It's a woman's way of saying “Away with you!”

IN THE WOMEN’S DOMINION SIGN 1: "ALL THOSE MEN WHO HAVE BEEN DOMINATED BY THEIR WIVES, STAND HERE." SIGN 2: "ALL THOSE WHO HAVE NEVER BEEN DOMINATED BY THEIR WIVES, STAND HERE."

Acccording to Ellen Kreidman, She wants to be your first priority –. She compares the time, the energy, the respect for her feelings compared to what you give others –( clients, brothers, friends, you secretary) you to consider her needs above everyone else’s - Is it me or the job, me or the friends, me or the house, me or the freedom? Attention, attention, attention you to think that no other woman comes close to being as wonderful for you as she is. NO COMPARISON. Continual admiration. What does a woman want ?

Ellen Kreidman, She wants You to brag about her to your friends and family. –The true feelings about a person is what you say about her when is not around. ( Stove pipe story) You to feel proud that she is your mate. Is she a pride or embarrassment? You to prove your love. –Verbalize, action –a favour, an errand, a service, ? Not sex. Only men think sex is a proof of love. Women think it’s a necessity. Little things mean a lot. A small or big gift. A surprise. Her celebration days, SMS. You to think that she is the most beautiful woman alive. Notice everything about her, compliment, compliment, ( What is sexual harassment at the work place– saying doing the right things to the wrong person) What does a woman want?

Ellen Kreidman, She wants You to think who she is and what she does is nothing short of miraculaous. –Say something, Notice everything. Mens need a course on appreciation by eye and word. Tender, loving care at that special time every month when her emotions are ruled by her hormones. –Observe and Offer support, reduce the load, give space. Needs and expects to have daily reminders of how much you love her. –Verbalize your love. Women never tire of hearing I love you, only men get bored of saying it. What does a woman want;

WHAT DO MEN WANT Sexual Fulfillment – There is much more behind sex than pleasure for a man. There is positive power play, there is affirmation. There is acceptance, assurance of being needed. Recreational companionship –Entertainment, fun Attractive Spouse ( Form and Face Gen 29:17)- Men measure their value not by the lookability but that of their spouse. What they have more than what they are. The type of car, the size of their church, size of the company. Domestic support – Homebuilder, helper. Admiration & Affirmation –Behind every man there is a little boy who wants to loved, admired and affirmed.-.

Pr 10:19 In the multitude of words there wanteth not transgression; But he that refraineth his lips doeth wisely. Ec 5:3; Jas 3:2 Pr 10:20 The tongue of the righteous is as choice silver: The heart of the wicked is little worth. Pr 10:21 The lips of the righteous feed many; But the foolish die for lack of understanding. There is that speaketh rashly like the piercings of a sword; But the tongue of the wise is health. 19 The lip of truth shall be established for ever; But a lying tongue is but for a moment. Pr 13:2 A man shall eat good by the fruit of his mouth; But the soul of the treacherous shall eat violence. 3 He that guardeth his mouth keepeth his life; But he that openeth wide his lips shall have destruction.

Practical Tips for Great Communication Lay the ground rules. Talk daily about plans –, To do lists, Work, Minisitry. Feedback regularly, adequately. - Talk multiple times per day. That helps bring security into relationship. Trust the wisdom of your spouse. Value input from your spouse. Who like surprises? Run plans by your spouse well in advance. Talk about money, money and money. Get advice when you can’t agree. Be humble. God opposes the proud. It takes humility to find grace. Don’t have hidden issues. Get open in your discipling relationships. Deal with issues faithfully. Don’t exaggerate. Be honest. Deceit is not an option.

Ground Rules for communication Develop agreed ground rules for a lasting and fulfilling marriage relationship. No Name calling …” you blessed fool”. No absolutes. “you never”, “you always” Shift the focus back to your own inner self.- “This makes me feel or make me think”. Make open disclosures –my interests, feelings, fears are No negative score board. No recalling the past without permission. Breathing space will be provided.

Practical Tips for Great Communication - Talk daily about plans. Have calendar times every week. - Talk multiple times per day. That helps bring security into relationship. - Trust wisdom of your spouse. Value input from your spouse. - Wives usually don’t like surprises. Run plans by your spouse well in advance. - - Talk about finances. - Talk about each others To-Do lists. - Talk about each others ministry. - Get advice when you can’t agree. - Be humble. God opposes the proud (James 4:6). It takes humility to find grace. - Don’t have hidden issues. Get open in your discipling relationships. Deal with issues faithfully. - Don’t exaggerate. Be honest. Deceit is not an option.James 4:6

ENJOY HIM/ HER THANK YOU