Parenting 101 Finally, a manual just for new parents! From burping & bathing, to choosing the perfect babysitter.

Parents have the most important job in the world! On the first day of a new job, you’re given a procedures manual which will help you solve any problems you may come across in that position. Why is it there is no such manual for becoming a parent?! Take heart, “PARENTING 101: A CRASH COURSE FOR NEW PARENTS” is here to help you cope!

Career Objective: To raise a normal, bright, healthy, well- adjusted, independent, refined, clever, rational, sensitive, wise, reasonable, resourceful, thoughtful, perceptive, courteous, astute human being who will be an outstanding member of our society. (Without making any mistakes)

A. Physical Requirements: Be able to make a five second dash to baby’s room from any room in the house. Know and be able to use the proper diapering procedure. Be aware and use accordingly the proper burping techniques. Know and use proper bathing techniques.

A. Physical Requirements Cont’ Be able to execute the ‘3 in 1’ – talking on the phone, holding baby, and changing the TV with your toes. Be able to eat and hold baby without dropping food or spilling drink on him. The ability to function safely and efficiently with little or no sleep.

A. Physical Requirements Cont’ Calf roping skills needed while changing the “active” baby’s diaper. Balance beam skills needed while holding baby and picking up things with your toes. Be able to assemble baby bottle components in less than 3 seconds.

B.Mental Requirements Be able to change a poo poo diaper in the middle of breakfast. Learn how to be wide awake in two seconds for those middle of the night awakenings. Be able to keep a sense of humor at all times! Be able to tolerate any body secretions that may fall on, in, or be projected at you.

We are an Equal Opportunity Employer. Hours You will be required to work 24 hour days, and you will be on call at night, on weekends, and during holidays. Coffee Break You will be allowed one coffee break during the day somewhere between laundry, errands, meals, cleaning, phone calls, doctor visits, grocery shopping, budgeting and daily child care.

Attendance Your presence is critical in order for your domestic structure to continue in a smooth working order. Absences Absences are not tolerated well by household members and often result in pink laundry. You will be required to report to work during minor illnesses such as: the flu, common colds, PMS, and respiratory infections. Unless, you have an order from the U.S. Supreme Court, a physician’s report and an excuse from your husband you will be expected to report to work. However, in the event of a serious illness or injury you will be given the maximum time off – 2 days.

Personal Days Time off will be granted under the following conditions: military leave, national guard reserve, your own death and jury duty. However, you will be required to give six months notice and you will be responsible for finding an appropriate replacement for your job. Dress Code Unlike the parents on TV you are not encouraged to wear formal clothing, including high heels, sequin dresses, suit and tie, while performing your duties. You should wear practical, comfortable clothing that will hold up well to the abuses of baby food, numerous baby body fluids and thousands of washings.

Benefits Holidays The majority of your holidays will be spent visiting relatives you haven’t seen since YOU were a baby. Your baby will be showered with thousands of gifts and you will have to rent a U-Haul to get back home safely.

Vacation Vacations are mandatory; however, the word vacation may take on a new meaning. A vacation may be a trip to the grocery store all by yourself, a long, hot bath without the optional child, or a metal vacation to Hawaii, the Caribbean or Europe. Benefits

Pay Day Your job cannot be measured monetarily. However, research has shown that if the average parent was paid for the various jobs they perform they are worth $40,000 a year. You will be paid thousands of times over that monetary amount with Kodak moments. Your bonus checks will be the most rewarding, those special times when only you can make it all better. Benefits

III. Maintenance

A. Bathing Your Newborn Object: To successfully hold your slippery, limp newborn with one hand and clean him with the other hand, while providing a secure environment.

Bathing Methods Foam Rubber Mat – placed in the bath tub. This method can be hazardous to your back and provides the least secure environment. Baby Bathtub – used on a table or used in the kitchen sink. This is better method for saving your back, but it is still hard to hold on to your slippery newborn, and most of the time you end up with more water on you and the floor than on your baby.

Bathing Methods Cont’ Take a Bath with Baby! – The only method for saving your back, and it provides the most secure environment for your newborn! Spit-Bath – when you need to clean up baby in a hurry and you don’t have much time. For example, your mother-in-law called and said, “We just happened to be in the area and we’re dying to see our little grandbaby; well be there in five minutes!” When you find yourself in this situation use diaper wipes to clean your baby and help give him that fresh all over feeling.

Bathing Frequency: Most new parents bathe their newborn at the same time every day. Do they really need a bath every day? All they do for the first couple of months is sleep and eat. It’s not like they are running around outside eating bugs and playing in the dirt. That comes later. You are not a bad, neglectful parent if you don’t bathe your newborn every day! Every parent skips a bath every now and then, but they would never admit it. That is what’s so great about being a parent – you get to set the rules!

B. Diapering Procedures Step 1: Place baby on changing surface. Step 2: Carefully unfasten dirty diaper. Step 3: (A) If your baby is a girl, proceed to STEP 4 (B) If your baby is a boy, quickly place a cloth over genital area. Step 4: (A) If baby is wet proceed to Step 5 (B) If baby has made a dirty diaper simply clean the area with diaper wipes.

B. Diapering Procedures Cont’ Step 5: Gently lift the baby up by grabbing his ankles with one hand, and remove the soiled diaper. Step 6: Quickly and accurately place a new diaper down on the changing surface, making sure that the tapes are in the back (if you are using disposables) and that the new diaper is directly under the baby’s bottom.

Step 7: Fold diaper up and secure. ***Note: If you have a baby boy and forget to remove cloth go back to Step 1. B. Diapering Procedures Cont’

C. Burping Your Baby Whether you breast-feed or bottle-feed your baby, you should burp him. Burping helps alleviate any air bubbles that could cause gas in the stomach. Following are some common burping techniques that you may find helpful.

Over The Shoulder This technique is quite successful. Place the baby’s head on your shoulder with his abdomen on your chest and pat gently. If after several minutes, no disgusting guttaral sounds are heard, you can assume that there are no bubbles present at this time. (Disadvantage) – The caretaker is often unaware of the white, runny substance that has dribbled out of the baby’s mouth and down their back.

Lap burping Simply position baby face down on your lap with his stomach across your legs and tap gently on his back. (Disadvantage) – Due to gravitational forces the results are often more than expected!

Sitting Position The most popular form of burping; place baby in sitting position supporting his head with one hand under his chin and with the other hand pat gently on his back. (Disadvantage) – This method usually produces louder burps and should only be used when you are around unwanted guests.

D. Care of the Umbilical Cord or Belly Button Newborns don’t become real babies until they have belly-buttons. The umbilicus is the part of the umbilical cord that remains on the baby. It is very important to clean the umbilicus daily and to keep it dry. It will eventually dry up and fall off.

Step 1: When diapering your newborn fold the diaper down and then tape it to keep the umbilicus dry. Step 2: Use alcohol and cotton balls or Q-tips to clean around the umbilicus. Simply apply the alcohol to the cotton and squeeze the alcohol onto the umbilicus and then take a Q-tip and clean around the outer edges. Step 3: Most new parents stop at step 2. You MUST proceed with step 3, You MUST lift up the umbilicus and clean UNDER it!!. Even when half of it is still attached and the other half is just hanging there, you, you must continue to clean it in this manner until it finally fall off, and then you are confronted with another problem. “What am I supposed to do with it?”

IV.Helpful Hints From The Experts… …Real Parents!

New parents often discover “tricks of the trade” while caring for their babies. Some of the more ingenious ideas were discovered by accident while others were the result of sheer desperation. Listed below are some creative ideas and helpful advice from peer parents.

Bath Time: If you use baby lotion after bath time, put the bottle of lotion in the bathtub with baby, and when it’s time to apply the lotion it will be nice and warm. When giving your baby girl a bath wash her hair last; this helps prevent infections that are caused from prolonged exposure to the chemicals in shampoos and conditioners.

Bath Time Cont’ Keep a watering can in the bathroom – it comes in handy when washing hair and it also makes a fun bath toy. To control all the bath toys that accumulate in the bathroom find a large wicker basket with a lid and place it near the bathtub.

Bed Time: Your baby is fast asleep, but every time you put him in the bed he wakes up! Try placing a heating pad on the mattress, while putting baby back to sleep, and when it’s time to try again, remove the heating pad and place baby on the warm spot. Don’t tiptoe around baby at nap time; continue making normal sounds during the day and evening.

Crying: Don’t let your newborn baby cry; babies cry for a reason. To keep a newborn from losing his pacifier while in a reclined position, like an infant seat, place a cloth diaper or blanket under his chin and halfway over the pacifier then tuck the ends of the blanket under baby’s shoulders.

Crying Cont’ Baby is crying and you’ve tried everything? Take baby to the sink and let him watch running water. Sometimes babies are calmed by the sound of running water. Try putting him in infant seat and place it on top of the dryer. The sound, rhythm and warmth of the dryer seem to have a calming effect.

Crying Cont’ Use a music box to quiet a crying baby. Go for a little drive – the sound and rhythm of a car will sometimes help put baby to sleep. Try swaddling your baby to keep him from crying. Place a receiving blanket in a diamond position. Fold the bottom corner up, wrap one side around baby gently tucking in the ends, and wrap the remaining side around. Place him in a Snuggli and vacuum the house. Baby is still crying! Bring a rocking chair in the bathroom, turn the shower on, and rock gently.

Diapering: If your baby is sensitive to diaper wipes try using a spray bottle filled with warm water, and use tissues and baby oil to clean his bottom. If you have a baby boy keep a dry washcloth nearby during diaper changes to intercept any surprises that may come your way!

Feeding: Disposable diapers make great bottle insulators. Wrap a bottle in a clean diaper and secure the tapes around it. This will keep the milk cool for up to two hours. Don’t feed you baby when he’s lying flat; it helps to prevent ear infections. Follow your baby’s lead – don’t watch the clock!

Feeding Cont’ If you ever find yourself without a bib, try using a disposable diaper. Just tape the diaper, with the plastic side up, on the baby’s shoulders. It works great because you can wipe off any spills and reuse the diaper later. When preparing your own baby food, pour the processed food into ice cube trays and freeze. The ice cube sized portions make great single servings.

On The Go: When traveling in the car, tape interesting pictures, faces or graphic symbols to the back of your seat to keep baby from getting bored. Jingle bells tied on baby’s shoes can help keep him entertained while traveling. Time to go grocery shopping, and baby has learned to stand up in front of the cart. One way to keep him seated is to tie his shoelaces together. This prevents him from pulling up his legs.

On The Go Cont’ If you are going out for the evening and want your baby to feel secure, take a blanket or cloth diaper, rub it on your neck and leave it with baby. You can also use clothing that you have worn. Bring plenty of cassette tapes for baby to listen to while running errands in the car If you’re traveling with an already loaded diaper bag you can save space if you use powdered formula. Place pre-measured amounts in plastic baggies, roll them up and secure with rubber bands.

On The Go Cont’ Always take 50% more diapers than you think you’ll need when traveling long distances. This helps you to be prepared for unforeseen circumstances, such as when you are traveling by plane and your connecting flight gets canceled or your flight is held over due to bad weather. When preparing the family for an outing (church, visiting family/friends, or the doctor’s office), always dress the baby last.

On The Go Cont’ When one or both parents are going to be absent from the baby for an extended period of time (business trip, vacation or hospitalization) make a cassette tape of the person/persons reading or talking to the baby. The sound of their voice will be reassuring.

Teething: There are several teething rings on the market, but what about when baby is getting his molars? Try freezing water in Popsicle molds; Tupperware molds work best, as they are long enough and thin enough to reach baby’s back teeth. When baby is teething let him chew on a frozen banana. Another way to relieve teething pain is to soak a washcloth in apple juice and freeze it. Not only will it feel good on the gums it will taste good too!

Miscellaneous: To encourage your cautious toddler to walk, try placing Cheerios along the furniture. When talking on the phone you can prevent “baby noise” by breast-feeding or bottle feeding young babies; with other children keep a box of “special” toys near the phone. Just when you think that you can’t stand it any longer, your kid always grows out of what ever phase is driving you crazy. This is how we survive as parents.

Miscellaneous Cont’ Be flexible. Take time for yourself! Take time to enjoy your children – the housework will always be there, but your children won’t! If one thing doesn’t work try something else! If you’re having trouble giving medicine to a young baby, try using a bottle nipple without the bottle! While traveling tie toys, bottles and pacifiers to baby’s car seat with SHORT pieces of ribbon.

Miscellaneous Cont’ Change your baby’s position in the crib or playpen from time to time so he isn’t always looking at the same things. Babies get bored too! Tape magazine pictures of faces, bold designs or symbols around the inside of his bassinet or crib to keep baby visually stimulated. You can make you own abstract shapes using a black marker and white poster board.

Miscellaneous Cont’ Always bring Tylenol to the doctor’s office. Give baby the Tylenol immediately after he receives his vaccination. It takes time for the medication to work and if you wait until you get home he may already be feverish and fussy. Be certain to ask your doctor what kind of Tylenol to use and what the proper dosage is for your baby.

Miscellaneous Cont’ If your baby has suffered a finger or hand injury fill a bottle with juice and ice cubes and let him hold it while he drinks the juice. The cool contact on the injured area combined with the sucking reflex will comfort him. Many babies detest lukewarm baths when they have a fever. Another alternative would be to place ice bags wrapped in hand towels, one under each arm, while rocking or holding him until the fever breaks.

Miscellaneous Cont’ If your baby has an ear infection and is uncomfortable, use a hair dryer set on warm and direct the air into the affected area. Use toothpaste on bee stings – it soothes the pain and helps draw out the stinger. Lower your expectations. You don’t have to be prefect!

Miscellaneous Cont’ When trying to wean your toddler from the pacifier, tie the pacifier to the bedpost with a SHORT piece of ribbon. Explain to the toddler that he may have it any time he wants it but it has to stay tied to the bed. When toilet training your boy, place a few Cheerios in the toilet for “target practice!”

The Successful Post-Pregnant Wardrobe

Many new moms feel inferior and inadequate at their jobs. After all, the new moms on TV and in magazines always have their make-up on, their hair looks great, their houses are immaculate and they are back in their pre-pregnant clothes after only three days! Since you were a little girl, all you dreamed about was getting married, having a family and living happily ever after! Being a mom is NOT an easy job. And the more children you have, the harder it gets.

Like many new moms, you don’t want to go and buy a whole new wardrobe. You want to lose that extra weight! Some women continue to wear their maternity clothes until they reach their pre- pregnant weight! Most women are so sick of their maternity clothes that they burn them at the stake a week after they get home from the hospital. The “practical” new mom resorts to wearing her husband’s clothes until she reaches her pre- pregnant weight.

The “practical” new mom’s wardrobe consists of only seven articles of clothes: (2) pair of husband’s shorts with an elastic waist (1) pair of husband’s elasticized warm- up pants (2) of husband’s oversized sweatshirts (1) of husband’s short-sleeved sport shirts (1) pair of husband’s button-up jeans

The following accessories will also be needed: Belts with and without buckles Safety pins of all sizes A few scarves or bandanas to add just a splash of color! With the proper combinations, you can make several DIFFERENT outfits!

Remember, the keys to a successful wardrobe are knowing how to mix and match properly, proper placement of accessories, and choosing flattering colors that work well for you. Have fun; the possibilities are limitless.

VI. Diagrams & Comparisons

A. Blessed Events New parents are supposed to get carried away with every little thing their baby does. Following are the most important developmental milestones. Be sure and compare your newborn to the chart to see if he is developing “normally.”

EVENTSAGE Baby’s 1 st “dirty” diaper1 to 2 days old Baby’s 1 st smile (passing gas)1 to 2 days old Baby’s belly button falls off1 to 2 weeks old Baby releases U.F.O in bathtub (Unidentified Floating Object 2 days to 2 years old Baby’s first bath3 days to 2 weeks old Baby poo poos in bathtub3 days to 2 years old Baby’s first time at the mall5 weeks old Baby’s first trip to grocery store6 weeks old Baby’s first time to church6 weeks old Baby laughs3 months old Baby eats soap5 to 6 months old Baby throws food from grocery cart6 months old

EVENTSAGE Baby crawls6 to 7 months old Baby’s first tooth6 to 7 months old Baby bites nursing mother6 to 7 months old Baby stands7 to 9 months old Baby falls down7 to 9 months old Baby plays in toilet water9 months old Baby walks9 to 12 months old Baby east solid food12 months old Baby eats dog food12 months old Baby eats food in grocery cart12 months old Baby’s 1 st haircut12 months old Baby flushes “Teddy” down toilet12 months old Baby escapes from crib18 months old Baby cuts hair “all by herself”24 months old Baby’s last time at the mall24 months old Baby gives puppy his first haircut30 months old

B.How Much Does A Baby Cost? You have probably never considered how much it costs to raise a child until now. The following statistics will help you understand the true cost of child-rearing! In 1960, to raise a child form birth to the age of 18 years old, with a middle class income cost: $27,323. In 1990, to raise a child from birth to the age of 22 years old, with a family income of $50,000/yr cost: $265,249 In 2020, estimating using the same rate of acceleration from 1960 to 1990, (an increase of $7, per year) it will cost: $503,175.

C. Martyr Mom When you become a mother, you have to learn how to take care of your new baby. You soon learn how to meet his needs just by the sound of his cry, and you continue meeting his needs 24 hours a day! It’s easy to lose yourself! You’ve got to learn to meet your needs too! If you are taking time out for yourself, you will be a happier person, and if you’re a happier person you will be a better mother. The laundry, dishes, nurturing, cleaning and all of the other activities are things you do, they are not you. Find something that you enjoy doing, make time for it, steal the time if you have to, and do it! If you don’t ……..you could turn into a MARTYR MOM!

PRESENTFUTURE No time for yourself.You don’t know what to do with your extra time! Constantly calling your grown children and whining things like, Why can’t you pick up a phone and call your own mother? Taking on all the housework even after the kids are capable of helping. Becoming a maid for life! Waiting on everybody, and always wondering why nobody does anything for you. Feeling responsible for everything and everybody. Become a buttinski, the mother and mother-in-law that people tell jokes about. You will never sever the psychological umbilicus. No time for children because your house isn’t perfect! Regret the time that you didn’t spend with your babies. Remember they’ll never be babies again.

D.The Parental Clock Everyday living is crowded with all kinds of chores and activities. When you have children time seems to slip away more quickly. Before you know it the day is over and you haven’t accomplished as much as you wanted to. Following is the “ideal” parental clock; it shows how many hours are needed each day to get EVERYTHING done!!

E. Trouble-Shooting As part of your education in parenting you must learn how to handle a variety of situations. The following will guide you through the most common of these:

Situation Baby is crying Suggested Solutions *Pick him up, hold him, rock him *Is baby hungry? Does baby need a diaper change? *Put baby in a Snuggli and vacuum the house *Put on relaxing music and dance with your baby *Sing softly *Take the baby for a walk Last resort: Take the baby for a leisurely car ride Baby is still crying….. -If you have tried all of the above methods and have been unsuccessful, remind yourself that it will stop eventually!

Situation Baby smells funny Reason Baby has a dirty diaper that needs to be changed (see diaper changing procedures). Check baby’s belly-button and make sure you have cleaned it thoroughly. Baby has an unidentified substance hidden in his clothes. Check carefully and remove any suspicious material.

Situation Baby is smiling Reason He has just passed gas. He has just made poo poo. He is thinking about making poo poo.

Situation Baby is quiet Reason He is not in the house. He is asleep.

Situation Mommy is crying. Solution Call a baby-sitter or relative and get out of the house for awhile. You have a case of the “baby blues”. You just need a good cry.

F.Why Parenting Can’t be a 50/50 Proposition …the cold hard facts! There is not way that it can be 50% - 50% unless you are so wealthy that neither one of you have to work. In most families today both spouses work. But for the “lucky” new mothers who get to stay at home, they become the main caretakers.

The following chart shows the total number of hours the main caretaker spends with the children vs. the total number hours the provider is capable of spending with the children.

G. How to Choose the Perfect Babysitter Knowing how to choose the right babysitter is a very important part of being a good parent. New parents are somewhat over-protective and very careful about with whom they leave their new baby. The ideal babysitter is at least 40 years old, has her own transportation, a degree in early children education, a degree in nursing, used to be a nun, is available every weekend and only charges 50 cents an hour!

This questionnaire may prove helpful in selecting the perfect baby sitter

1.How old are you? 2. Have you had any previous experience? NO YES - If yes, please list the dates, times, persons involved, what phase the moon was in, how old the children were, the parents’ names, addresses, occupations and yearly income.

3.Have you taken any first aid and/or safety courses? NO YES - If yes, please list the dates you were enrolled, instructor’s name and phone number, your grade at the end of the course and what you ate prior to each class.

4.Have you, or any member of your family, ever been arrested and/or convicted of a misdemeanor or a felony? NO YES If yes, please supply a copy of you criminal record, including any and all speeding or parking tickets that you have received since birth.

5.Do you attend church on a regular basis? If yes, please quote LUKE 12: Are you presently employed? If so, for how long and who is your employer? Please provide us with last year’s income tax forms and W-2 statements.

7.Were you ever enlisted in the military? If yes, what branch of service and did you receive an honorable discharge? 8. Are you now or have you ever been married? If you are divorced, please supply us with any and all court documents, including but not limited to property settlements, custody documents, child support or alimony payments, and divorce settlements.

9. Do you have your own transportation? If yes, please list the make, model, license #, driver’s license #, and how much you paid for your car at the time of purchase. 10. Please list below, the members of your family, their occupations, and their yearly income.

11.Have you completed any courses in early childhood education? If yes, please list the courses taken. 12. What do you charge for your services?

FOR PARENTS USE ONLY! (Please circle one) OVERALL APPEARANCE: (1) poor (2) fair (3) average (4) good (5) excellent PERSONALITY: (1) poor (2) fair (3) average (4) good (5) excellent MOTHERING CAPABILITIES: (1) poor (2) fair (3) average (4) good (5) excellent

OVERALL RATING (Please check one) ___ (1) Wouldn’t let her babysit my dog! ___ (2) Would be adequate for house sitting only! ___ (3) Seems to be capable but there’s room for improvement. ___ (4) Would use her if no one else was available! ___ (5) I would trust her with my life!

VII. ORAL DRILLS

“YOU HAVE TO SOUND LIKE A PARENT” (Oral Exercises for New Parents)

Congratulations, you have just become a parent! It may seem a little early, but you must start acting like a parent. All the things that you said you would NEVER say to your kids are locked away in your subconscious and, ready or not, they will come out!! With a little practice, you will start to sound like parents, maybe even YOUR parents!!

INSTRUCTIONS: 1.Read the list out loud. 2.Read the list again out loud with an increase in volume and tone. 3.Read the list out loud, with increased volume and tone, while adding the correct facial expression and body language. NOTE: REPEAT THESE EXERCIES AS OFTEN AS NEEDED. IF AFTER PRACTICING YOU FEEL AS THOUGH YOU NEED ADDITIONAL TRAINING, TRY STANDING IN FRONT OF A MIRROR WHILE RECITING THEM.

As long as you live under my roof! I don’t care who started it, I’m gonna’ finish it! Your room looks like a pig-sty! Because I said so! Just wait until you have kids! I’m not asking you, I’m telling you! I’m doing this for your own good. If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. I’m going to count to 10! 1… 2… 3…. How many times do I have to tell you? Do you think I’m made out of money?! If I told you once, I told you a thousand times!

FINAL EXAM FOR PROSPECTIVE PARENTS “ARE YOU FIT TO BE A PARENT?”

TRUE OR FALSE: (each question is worth 5 points) ___ 1. After feeding your baby, you should always toss him around to make sure the food is mixed properly with the stomach’s digestive juices. ___ 2. Your baby’s belly button usually fall off after his first birthday.

___ 3. Cradle cap is a term used to describe a hat that protects your newborn against harmful ultraviolet sun rays during the first year of life. They can be ordered through the hospital and come in two colors, blue and pink. ___ 4. Baby’s diaper should only be changed after it reaches the proper saturation level; the normal range is from five to ten pounds.

___ 5. Circumcision is a term used to describe the total circumference of the baby’s head. ___ 6. Baby acne is caused most often by an abundance of chocolate in the baby’s diet. ___ 7. The soft-spot is located on the instep of the left foot which becomes red and swollen when the baby is hungry

___ 8. Babies are usually born elbows first. ___ 9. Umbilicus is a device used to measure the length of your newborn. ___ 10. The startle reflex is found in 90% of all new parents.

MULTIPLE CHOICE: (each question is worth 5 points) ___ 1. If your baby’s belly-button (umbilicus) does not fall off after 14 days, you should a) rush him to the emergency room immediately b) turn it clockwise three times and say “There’s no place like gone” c) turn it counterclockwise three times and say “There’s no place like gone d) ask your doctor to check it.

___ 2. You should bathe your newborn a) at every diaper change b) every two weeks c) only on his birthday d) none of the above ___ 3. When your baby is crying which of the following should you not do a) check his diaper b) every two-four days c) every two-four weeks d) every two-four months

___ 5. You should clean the belly-button (umbilicus) a) with turpentine b) with a sand blaster c) with nail polish remover d) with rubbing alcohol. ___ 6. You should burp your baby a) after you change his diaper b) when he wakes up from his nap c) before he eats d) after he eats

___ 7. The average baby usually gets his first tooth a) at birth b) when he’s two days old c) when he is two weeks old d) none of the above ___8. The average baby uses a) ten diapers a day b) ten diapers a week c) ten diapers a month d) ten diapers a year.

___ 9. Colic means a) your baby has the hiccups b) your baby has a cold c) your baby has an ear infection d) nobody really knows what colic is! ___10. When bathing your newborn, you should always start with a) the head and work down b) the feet and work up c) the hands and work in d) the stomach and work out

ESSAY QUESTIONS (Extra Credit) (In your best words) Describe what colic means. (5 points) Name five creative uses for the nasal aspirator: (5 points) Name three other uses for the disposable diaper: (5 points) NOTE: WE PURPOSELY WITHHELD THE ANSWERS SO THAT YOU WOULD NEED TO FIND THEM ON YOUR OWN!!

RATING FOR SCORES: (Total possible points is 100) EXCELLENT – green flag, you may proceed in starting a family! GOOD – borrow a real baby for one week, study hard and take the test again AVERAGE – borrow a real baby for one month, study hard, take the test again, and then proceed with caution POOR – Call Adopt-A-Pet and practice parenting skills on your new pet EXTREMELY POOR – PLEASE buy a stuffed animal or check out a video that just shows a baby and pretend it’s yours!

Glossary of Terms

A GOOD DAY – a day where you actually got several things done. AN OKAY DAY – a day where you accomplished at least one thing. ANOTHER ROOM – often seen on “soaps”; the new mother, already back in her pre-pregnant jeans after only 2 days, has her perfect day occasionally interrupted by a faint whine from “another room”. In actuality the baby is not even there. This portrayal of motherhood is the leading cause of unrealistic expectations for today’s new mothers.

BABY BLUES – most common in the mother after pregnancy; similar to depression believed to be caused by the sudden drop of hormones in the blood; symptoms include: crying for no reason, crying in the closet, crying in the morning, crying in the afternoon, crying at night, desire to run down the street screaming, desire to run away and join the circus. This condition is not terminal and will normally subside after the first six to twelve months. BRAIN-DEAD – term most often used to describe the new Mom after months of little or no sleep; functioning on auto-pilot.

COLIC – Catch-all; anytime your baby is cranky or misbehaving you can simply say, “My baby has colic.”; what your doctor tells you is wrong with your baby when he doesn’t know. CONE-HEAD – the oblong shape of most newborns’ heads’ when they are delivered naturally. CRADLE CAP – scalp condition which exists in most newborns; somewhat like dandruff. Real attractive in public and often the center of conversation. “Oh my, what’s wrong with your baby’s head?!”

DJIARRHEA – the runny, brown, substance that leaks out of your beautiful newborn during Christmas Mass. DIAPER – most common form of elimination control for newborns. Comes in two varieties—disposable or cloth. Disposable are the most convenient, but by the time your child is potty-trained you will have spent half of his college saving. DIAPER ROULETTE – game often played by new Moms when they are just “running to the store”. Players include Mom or other suitable grown-up and baby. Game piece— the diaper baby is wearing! Object of the game: make it home BEFORE baby poo poos in his diaper!

DIAPER WIPES – small, disposable, moist cloths used to clean baby’s genital area after he has made a poo poo. GERBER BABY SYNDROME – every new parents idea of what their baby will look like; causes are often linked to the media and other similar sources. GRANDPARENTS – the only people in the world that think your “little one” is perfect. “IDEAL” BABY-SITTER – at least 40 years old, has her own transportation, a degree in nursing, a degree in early childhood education, used to be a nun, is available every weekend and only charges 50 cents an hour.

MARATHON HOURS – the hours between baby’s afternoon nap and the time Daddy gets home from work. MECONIUM – baby’s first poo poo; consistency of tar; greenish-black in color; and can easily be removed with paint thinner. MONITOR – an electronic device used by parents who want to hear their baby cry “in stereo”; can also be used to spy on your neighbors.

MOTHERING MOVEMENT – an instinctive movement performed by the majority of mothers: thought to be linked to the M.O.M. gene. The movement is performed while standing with your feet at least shoulder width apart and involves a swaying motion from side to side; most often seen at church and other places where there tends to be a lot of standing. A small percentage of mothers are not born with the M.O.M. gene. This behavior can be learned with the proper training. If you think you are missing the M.O.M. gene please contact your OB-GYN for information and further testing!

NASAL ASPIRATOR – device used to remove excessive secretions from the baby’s nose; needs to be washed out at least once a year. NON-PARENTS – the world’s leading advocates on how you should raise YOUR child! NUK – specially designed pacifier that can become habit forming to the parent with continued use, especially when your baby starts crying in public and you feel as though everybody is staring at you saying, “What in the world did she do to that poor baby?!”

NUPARENTITIS – a physical condition found in new parents; symptoms are different for each parent; the mother experiences extreme fatigue and lacks in normal brain wave activity and often seems to be confused and unable to make decisions; the father often experiences an added financial burden and physical symptoms include a pale or blue complexion with blood shot eyes and the pupils become the same size as the iris. ONE OF THOSE DAYS – due to circumstances beyond your control you get absolutely nothing accomplished and you find yourself repeating the things you got halfway done over and over again.

OVERSTIMULATED – after hours of being tossed around, held and smothered with kisses, the baby begins to scream, throw his body back violently and the grandparents, relatives and/or friends, ask you if something he ate upset him; this baby body language means: “I’ve had enough of you people, leave me alone!!” PARENTAL HOT FLASHES – most often experienced in church and other quiet places; symptoms include: reddening of the face, sweaty palms, sweating above the lip, and an acceleration in the heart rate. Causes: baby is just starting to fuss and all eyes are on you!

PEDIATRICIANS – humans. P.K.U. TEST – stands for pain kills you test; some of these tests are administered at the hospital before you bring the baby home; for the athletic mothers who like to leave the hospital one to two days after birth, the test is scheduled at the doctor’s office one to seven days after the baby’s birth. Your precious newborn is lovingly placed on a table and is jabbed in the heel with a sharp object and the blood is pumped out of the foot until they have filled in five circles the size of a dime. In the meantime you are standing in the corner trying not to cry, and wondering if it’s ever necessary to take your baby to the doctor again. Then the nurse hands you back your screaming newborn and tells you to have a nice day.

PREGGIE-FAT – that attractive role of fat that begins at the diaphragm and extends down to your knees; it only takes a year to lose it and some women claim that they never lose it! SCHEDULE – a ridiculous idea invented by non-parents who think that your baby should be on one. SNUGGLI – apparatus used to tie your newborn to your stomach; used most by mothers who subconsciously wish they were still pregnant; not recommended for use with children over five years of age.

SPIT-UP – usually white in color; smells like sour milk; stains everything; and most often found on everything but the baby. TEDDY BEAR POINTS – special coupons found on boxes of diapers that allow you to purchase items at a discount, but by the time you save enough of them to get the item you want you child has started elementary school and you no longer need the item; or you have spent so much money on diapers that you could have bought a dozen of them at the regular price. TEETHING – another catch-all term that can be used when your baby is screaming and you don’t know what is wrong with him.

PARENTING FACTS A newborn baby’s head accounts for about ¼ of its entire weight. In Medieval China it was not unusual for a mother to breastfeed a child until the age of seven. It is possible for a fetus to get hiccups. Newborns cry 90% of the time. Some newborns have a strong sucking reflex and a pacifier may help them adjust to the new world. You cannot spoil a newborn. Newborns can focus on objects approximately ten inches away. Three month old babies prefer faces over other patterns. At nine weeks babies prefer high-contrast black and white mobiles to colored ones. A newborn’s hearing is fully mature at birth. Newborns favor simple linear patterns.

This is to certify that YOU Have successfully completed a course in PARENTING 101: A CRASH COURSE FOR NEW PARENTS WARRANTY AND RESTRICTIONS: The completion of this course in no way guarantees against or prevents parental error, may lead to the development of spoiled brats or future “teenagers from hell”. The creators of this course can not be held liable for any of the undesirable results listed above.