Countering Codependency: Building Healthy Relationships in College Amy Beyea Heather Browning Creighton Dent Jana McCarthy

Learning Outcomes After this workshop, you will be able to: 1. Identify and recognize codependent behaviors 2. Identify unhealthy relationship patterns 3. Facilitate inter-group dialogues with peers to discuss codependent relationships 4. Locate campus resources to seek information about codependency Jana

Attachment Styles I want to be completely emotionally intimate with others, but i often find that others are reluctant to get close as i would like.  I am uncomfortable being without close relationships, but I sometimes worry that others don't value me as much as I value them. I am comfortable without close emotional relationships.  It is very important to me to feel independent and self-sufficient, and i prefer not to be dependent on others or have others depend on me. I am somewhat uncomfortable getting close to others.  I want emotionally close relationships, but i find it difficult to trust others completely, or to depend on them.  I sometimes worry that I will not be hurt if I allow myself to become too close to others. Attachment relationships -close, emotional bonds between two people   Participants choose the paragraph that best the way they typically feel in close relationships (friendships, partnerships Only able to choose one - CLOSEST to your individual behavior **Delete Identifiers so participants answer truthfully*** Loss of self occurs when I need your approval and lose the opportunity to think my thoughts and to feel my feelings. I start to live the external life instead of the internal life. I become outer-directed and not inner-directed and over time the space inside becomes less and less. I feel less than and my self-esteem is diminished. I look to you to define me, to direct me, to approve of me, to fix me and, lose more and more of me until I feel empty. What develops is the false self and that is codependency. When I focus on getting your approval, I lose approval of self, which is the power that self-esteem gives me. In losing my power, I lose me. I lose my voice. I lose me.Loss of self occurs when I am focused on fixing, helping, understanding, caretaking you and not on caring about me. For me to not lose self I need to care about you not for you. My job is to care about me. I need to feel with you not for you. You are responsible for feeling your own feelings not me. I need to be responsible to you as my parent, spouse, child, or friend, not be responsible for you. I am responsible for me and to you and, you are responsible for you and to me. It is relatively easy for me to become emotionally close to others.  I am comfortable depending on others and having others depend on me.  I don't worry about being alone or having others not accept me.  (Bortholomew & Horowitz, 1991)  

What is Codependency? "...An emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as 'relationship addiction' because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive." (adapted from Mental Health America http://www.nmha.org/go/codependency)

College Transition "Friend-sickness" the concept of missing old friends - the need to make new friends in a new environment to help reduce feelings of loneliness and alienation (Swenson & Nordstrom, 2008 p. 553) Positive relationship between social support and emotional well-being in college Link between quality of peer relationships and adjustment to college Seeking support through attachment Secure attachments associated with better social adjustment WHO WAS NERVOUS THEIR FIRST DAY OR SCHOOL, OR FIRST DAY AT THE DORMS? Positive relationship between social support and emotional well-being in college: having an "old friend" (ex: high school friend) to turn to in need of peer support is related to emotional/personal adjustment Seeking Support through Attachment: In high school, attachments to one's parents, not peers, was beneficial following a stressful life event - students turn to parents for help Once students transition into college and are away from the family unit, students tend to seek support from friends to help them through big life changes  

85% 76% 50% Male college students considered “High Middle” Female college students considered “High Middle” 50% College students familiar with the term Codependence. Cretser, G., & Lombardo, W. (1999). Examining Codependency In A College Population. College Student Journal, 33(4), 629. Retrieved from Academic Search Premier database.

Chickering’s 7 Vectors of Student Development Integrity Developing Purpose Establishing Identity Mature Interpersonal Relationships Autonomy to Interdependence Managing Emotions Developing Competence Chickering’s 7 Vectors of Student Development

Chickering’s 7 Vectors of Student Development Integrity Developing Purpose Establishing Identity Mature Interpersonal Relationships Autonomy to Interdependence Managing Emotions Developing Competence Chickering’s 7 Vectors of Student Development

Identifying the "Red Flags" of Codependent Behaviors

I I "I take on more than I can handle in most situations."                    "I take on more than I can handle in most situations." “I am uncomfortable establishing boundaries in my personal relationships.” “It is difficult for me to make decisions on my own.” "I feel responsible for fixing and rescuing the students I'm leading." “I hate being alone.”                  I “I applied to be a student leader because I want people to like me.”                  I "I would do anything to hold onto a friendship, even if that meant sacrificing my own feelings." Things that you may identify with see in the students around you, your friends, or even family members. Christian service as "drug of choice" Friend example: Calling her mom every night even though she's married "Sometimes, I'm so concerned with other's emotions that I fail to consider my own feelings." “When my students tell me their problems, I internalize everything and can’t focus on anything else.”

Discussing Attachment Styles "It is relatively easy for me to become emotionally close to others. I am comfortable depending on others and having others depend on me. I don't worry about being alone or having others not accept me.“ Secure attachment Securely attached people tend to agree with the following statements: This style of attachment usually results from a history of warm and responsive interactions within relationships (friendships, mentoring, etc).   Securely attached people tend to: Have positive views of themselves.  Report greater adjustments in their relationships than people with other attachment styles Feel comfortable with and seek independence in their relationships. 

Discussing Attachment Styles "I am comfortable without close emotional relationships. It is very important to me to feel independent and self-sufficient, and I prefer not to depend on others or have others depend on me."   Dismissive-avoidant attachment  People with this attachment style desire a high level of independence.  The desire for independence often appears as an attempt to avoid attachment altogether.  They view themselves as self-sufficient and invulnerable to feelings associated with being closely attached to others.  They often deny needing close relationships and may see them as unimportant. Tend to deal with rejection by distancing themselves from the sources of rejection (i.e., their relationship partners). May have a “know-it-all” mentality May listen to supervisor but not heed their word because you don’t believe they’re looking out for you Not letting anyone in There are healthy amounts of self-disclosure, but you refuse to disclose at all which may make you seem less personable

Discussing Attachment Styles "I want to be completely emotionally intimate with others, but I often find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like. I am uncomfortable being without close relationships, but I sometimes worry that others don't value me as much as I value them."  Anxious-preoccupied attachment People with this style of attachment seek high levels of approval. They sometimes value close relationships to such an extent that they become overly dependent and clingy. Tend to have less positive views about themselves May exhibit high levels of emotional expressiveness, worry, and impulsiveness in their relationships. Discuss how this attachment is manifested || Ways they've seen this as student leaders Taking responsibility for the other person's feelings, moods and behaviors Doing whatever is necessary to keep the peace, to make the other person feel good at the risk of your own feelings and emotions..   Being Codependent means to wrongly blame oneself for the other person's unhappiness or condition or state.  taking-on the responsibility for someone else's happiness.

Discussing Attachment Styles "I am somewhat uncomfortable getting close to others. I want emotionally close relationships, but I find it difficult to trust others completely, or to depend on them. I sometimes worry that I will be hurt if I allow myself to become too close to others."  Fearful-avoidant attachment People with this attachment style have mixed feelings about close relationships They may not trust the intentions of their peers, friends, or supervisors. They may suppress and hide their feelings. People with this attachment style have mixed feelings about close relationships On the one hand, they desire to have emotionally close relationships. On the other hand, they tend to feel uncomfortable with emotional closeness. May make it harder for people to trust you as a student leader if you don’t trust the people you’re leading

Establishing & Honoring Boundaries In all relationships, you have the right to define your own limits and boundaries so you feel comfortable and safe.    As a student leader, you can set limits or boundaries around things like: the amount of time spent with someone and the places you get together the kind, and frequency, of shared activities phone call time limits—time of day, frequency, and length connection with family topics of conversation   (http://mentalhealth.samhsa.gov/publications/allpubs/sma-3716/establishing.asp ) Activity: Make a list of boundaries that you have or think you would want to have in friendships.   Feelings inside of you (intuition) let you know who you do and don't want to be close to. Sometimes you may want to be close to a person but are confused by questions of boundaries. You may ask yourself questions like "Have I called too much this week?" "Have I stayed too long; should I leave now?" It's appropriate to ask yourself such questions. Say "no" to anything you don't want. You have the right to ask for what you need, want, and deserve. Expect and insist that others respect your boundaries and, as a good friend, always respect their boundaries.

Tips for Creating Boundaries 1. Journal. Record the Feelings of your Life. 2. Speak Your Mind in an Assertive Way. 3. Learn to say “NO” 4. Limit your Time to Serve Others 5. Avoid Negative People 6. Exercise Open Communication 7. Create Space 8. Be Kind to Yourself 9. Don’t Feel Guilty 10. Be the Person You Want to Be It provides a carpet of evidence about YOU when you go back in its pages over the weeks and years. The journal will become like a mirror in which you can see how far you've come and how much you've grown. If you continue to be pulled back into codependent patterns, you will be able to see more clearly how you fool yourself into repeating your own history and these insights may help you to make new choices!  Just give somebody your frank, unvarnished opinion. Then, after you practice this, make this "someone" a person you have a regular LOCAL relationship with. Then, after practicing this, make the "someone" a person you actually LIVE with and who is an ADULT.  How many of you have either been the one who exploded or been exploded on? You know when a friend unloads all the things you’ve done wrong in the last 4 months and you didn’t see it coming? Codependents have a problem speaking their mind on a regular basis. It is easy to speak our mind in an angry way after we have "saved up our anger" for an explosion after we are fed up with "taking it". One of the symptoms of growing a richer and more self-loving relationship as a codependent is when we can speak our mind in an assertive way. Some people have a real difficulty saying ‘no’ as they want to feel accepted and want to help others. Over-committing yourself can make you feel overwhelmed, exhausted as you are always stretching yourself. Saying no is not a big deal, remember that if you do not really want to do it, then don’t, be diplomatic in the process and take care of your priorities. This gives you empowerment in the process and space to do those things that matter to you. If your friends always ring you to discuss their problems and call you at inconvenient times, then you need to set some time guidelines. Say something like “Just to let you know I have only 10 minutes right now”. This will give you a boundary so they know when it’s a good time or not. If you are always there for them this may impact your own relationships and your priorities. People sometimes don’t realize that they have done all the talking, so let them know how you feel and what you expect. People that are negative zap your energy away and leave you exhausted. They play the victim role and blame others or events for their predicament. Not a good place to be as they are in unresourceful states. Not being in their company allows you to attract those positive people that are creating their lives, and enjoying the journey. Be with these people instead. They make you feel good. If you practice assertive, open communication you become a facilitator of communication and you are understood. If you give partial messages then it is open to interpretation and then your needs are not being met. If you are saying what you feel and what you want openly and from the heart, it makes it easier to receive and accept. When there is doubt in your communication, confusion can result. If you feel overwhelmed with work/relationships or in communication, simply distance yourself a little. This will create space for you to reflect, ponder and feel engaged in the situation. Many people that are kinaesthetic need time to come on board, with ideas, conversation, decision making. So if you need space, then let the other person know you are thinking about it and you will get back to them. You are in control of your decisions and thoughts. Do not expect to be there for everybody, you are not a rescuer. Give yourself a little slack (nautical terms) to absorb the situation and be kind to yourself if it doesn’t work out. That is ok, if it doesn’t work, don’t force the issue, it’s not meant to be, and try something else. You just need to be more creative to find a solution and it will come. This builds patience and tolerance. If you have created some personal boundaries and it doesn’t feel right then, say to yourself that having a boundary is not a rejection, it’s not black and white. Just see it as a shade of grey and respect that you have taken care of yourself in the process so you can focus on what is important to you and not be drawn into another person’s energy which you know will exhaust you. It doesn’t mean you don’t care. Actually you care so much you have been giving all this time and now you need to take care of you. If you have been the “go to” person your friends ring to get support and advice and you are feeling drained in the process, then change your habits. You are attracting these needy people, so become the empowered person you want to be and soon you will attract similar minded people.

Interactive Activity

Raising Awareness on Campus First: Educate yourself about characteristics and consequences of codependency Establish healthy boundaries in your own life Collaborate with supervisors and professionals to ensure appropriate programming Red Flag Campaign: Week long program Passive Programming Flags around campus signify red flags of unhealthy relationships Posters hung above flags identify characteristics of codependency Panel Discussions and Brown Bag Lunch Engage students in discussions with professionals about healthy relationships Panel can be from counseling center, faculty, community organizations, etc. This should be a safe and open forum for anyone on campus to attend Provide lunch to create a comfortable environment and to draw interest

Raising Awareness on Campus Establish Peer Educator program Collaborate with staff and Counseling Center to ensure a quality program Peer educators work with staff to bring educational programming to campus Topics could include safe relationships, health and wellness, healthy body image For example, see: http://www.udel.edu/wellspring/pow/ Use Codependency Quiz in programming  Use to encourage students' self-awareness Attendees will take quiz for their own knowledge - will not share with others Talk with supervisors and Counseling Center to generate appropriate and sensitive questions See questions on handout for example

References Bartholomew, K., Horowitz, L. (1991). Attachment styles among young adults: A test of a four-category model. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 61(2), p. 226-244. Bradley-Bates, P. (n.d.). Am I a codependent? Retrieved from http://www.patriciabradley-bates.com/co.htm. Dawn Cove Abby: New Beginning Online. (n.d.). Do you keep quiet to avoid arguments? Retrieved from http://www.dawncoveabbey.org/healing-dysfunction/codependent.html. Mental Health America. Factsheet: Codependency. Retrieved from http://www.nmha.org/go/codependency. National Mental Health Information Center: Center for Mental Health Services. Making and keeping friends: A self-help guide. Retrieved from http://mentalhealth.samhsa.gov/publications/allpubs/sma-3716/establishing.asp. Reinhart, S. (2010, February 22). Women’s Resource Center empowers, educates, and celebrates women. The Clause. Retrieved from http://www.apu.edu/studentlifeoffice/articles/15157/. Thombs, D. (2006). Introduction to addictive behaviors (3rd ed.). New York: The Guilford Press, pp. 207-210. University of Delaware: Wellspring Student Wellness Program. (n.d.). Retrieved from http://www.udel.edu/wellspring/pow/ Wells, M., Hill, M., et al. (2006). Codependency's Relationship to defining characteristics in college students. Journal of College Student Psychotherapy, 20(4), p. 71-84.