ANGER MANAGEMENT

THE PRESENTER Dr Adelbert Scholtz Retired minister of religion (NG Kerk) Registered counselling psychologist in private practice Part-time lecturer in practical theology and pastoral care (UFS & UWC)

ANGER MANAGEMENT What does anger do to you? The mechanics of anger Managing excessive anger Managing the anger of your loved ones

1. WHAT DOES ANGER DO TO YOU?

ANGER DESCRIBED Anger is an emotional state that varies in intensity from mild irritation to intense fury and rage

THE SIX BASIC EMOTIONS

A NATURAL AND DESIRABLE STATE It is perfectly normal to become angry in certain situations If you are wronged or when others are treated unfairly you may become angry The problem is excessive anger without sufficient justification

EXCESSIVE ANGER May jeopardise your – Family relationships Friendships Occupational relationships Self-respect Physical health

PHYSICAL REACTIONS When you become angry your body produces stress hormones – adrenalin and cortisol These hormones enable you to fight or flee when you are in danger If you cannot fight or flee, these hormones accumulate and attack your body

PHYSICAL HARM Chronic anger makes you more susceptible to heart disease, diabetes, high cholesterol levels, a weakened immune system, insomnia, and high blood pressure

PSYCHOLOGICAL REACTIONS The emotional pathways in your brain work faster than the rational pathways You react automatically, without thinking You need this in emergencies If you behave irrationally you may sometimes make stupid mistakes and you may later regret them

YOUR MENTAL HEALTH Chronic anger consumes huge amounts of mental energy and clouds your thinking, making it harder to concentrate, see the bigger picture, and enjoy life It can also lead to stress, depression, and other mental health problems

BIBLICAL EXAMPLES OF JUSTIFIED ANGER Jesus (Mark 3: 5 & Mark 11: 15) Moses (Ex 32: 19) Samson (Judg 14: 1 & 19) Samuel (1 Sam 15: 16 – 31)

BIBLICAL EXAMPLES OF EXCESSIVE ANGER Cain (Gen 4: 4 & 6) Potiphar (Gen 39: 1 & 19) Balaam (Num 22: 27 & 28) Saul (1 Sam 20: 30) Jonah (Jon 4: 1 – 9) Herod (Matt 2: 16)

CONCLUSION Anger in itself is in order and normal Excessive and uncontrolled anger is destructive

2. THE MECHANICS OF ANGER

BETWEEN TRIGGER AND REACTION Trigger (unpleasant situation or event)  Evaluation of situation  Emotional reaction – irritation, anger or rage  Inhibitions  Reaction (what you do or don’t do)

BELIEFS INFLUENCING YOUR REACTION You have beliefs regarding – Yourself Other people How emotions may be expressed Acceptable behaviour

COMMON THINKING MISTAKES INFLUENCING YOUR REACTION Generalisations Mind-reading Emotion-laden language Selective perceptions Jumping to conclusions Excessive pessimism Perfectionism Excessive feelings of guilt

YOUR MOOD INFLUENCES YOUR REACTION Your mood is dependent upon your – State of Health Nutrition Amount of exercise Drug & alcohol usage Daily rhythm Sleeping pattern Social environment

WHAT MAKES YOU ANGRY? A low tolerance for frustration Some children are born irritable, touchy, and easily angered Another reason may be socio-cultural. We're taught that it's OK to express anxiety, depression, &tc but not to express anger; so we don't learn how to handle it constructively People who are easily angered come from families that are disruptive, chaotic, and not skilled at emotional communications

YOUR BACKGROUND If you grew up in a violent and aggressive home you will most probably follow this example If you were abused as a child you may become an abusive adult

MYTHS Myth: I shouldn’t “hold in” my anger (it can only worsen the situation) Myth: Anger, aggression, and intimidation help me earn respect and get what I want (people might be afraid of you but they won’t respect you) Myth: Anger isn’t something you can control (nonsense!)

3. MANAGING EXCESSIVE ANGER

MANAGING YOUR ANGER It takes hard work and effort It cannot be achieved overnight The results are certainly worthwhile because you can gain a lot in improved relationships and improved health

FOOD FOR THOUGHT

BIBLICAL GUIDELINES “A quick-tempered man does foolish things….” (Prov 14: 17) “Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.” (Eph 4: 26) “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” (Eph 4: 31)

TIP NO 1 Keep a diary in which you write down – The trigger Your evaluation of the trigger Your feelings Your inhibitions Your reaction

TIP NO 1 (cont’d) Automatic negative thoughts regarding yourself (ANT’s) Test the ANT’s and replace with more realistic self-evaluation Thinking mistakes A more useful reaction? What did I learn about myself?

TIP NO 2 Be more aware of your anger warning signs and triggers Pay attention to the way anger feels in your body Knots in your stomach Clenching your hands or jaw Feeling clammy or flushed Breathing faster Headaches Pacing or needing to walk around “Seeing red” Having trouble concentrating Pounding heart Tensing your shoulders

TIP NO 3 Avoid people, places, and situations that bring out your worst Take control of your environment and avoid unnecessary aggravation Look at your regular routine and try to identify activities, times of day, people, places, or situations that trigger irritable or angry feelings

TIP NO 4 Learn ways to cool down: Focus on the physical sensations of anger Take some deep breaths Exercise Stretch or massage areas of tension

TIP NO 5 Find healthier ways to express your anger: Pinpoint what you’re really angry about Remove yourself from the situation for a few minutes Always fight fair Focus on the present Be willing to forgive

TIP NO 6 Expressing your angry feelings in an assertive—not aggressive—manner is the healthiest way Learn how to make clear what your needs are, and how to get them met, without hurting others Being assertive doesn't mean being pushy or demanding; it means being respectful of yourself and others

TIP NO 7 Use humour: See the funny side of an unpleasant situation Learn to laugh at yourself Don't use sarcasm, though — it can hurt feelings and make things worse

TIP NO 8 Forgiveness is a powerful tool If you allow anger and other negative feelings to crowd out positive feelings, you might find yourself swallowed up by your own bitterness or sense of injustice If you can forgive, you might both learn from the situation; it's unrealistic to expect everyone to behave exactly as you want at all times

TIP NO 9 Consider professional help if: You feel constantly frustrated and angry no matter what you try Your temper causes problems at work or in your relationships You avoid new events and people because you feel like you can’t control your temper You have gotten in trouble with the law due to your anger Your anger has ever led to physical violence

4. MANAGING THE ANGER OF YOUR LOVED ONES

ANGER IN YOUR LOVED ONE If your loved one has an anger problem, you probably feel like you’re walking on eggshells all the time But always remember that you are not to blame for your loved one’s anger

DEALING WITH A LOVED ONE’S ANGER Tips: You can control how you respond Set clear boundaries about what you will and will not tolerate Wait for a time when you are both calm to talk to your loved one about the anger problem

DEALING WITH A LOVED ONE’S ANGER Remove yourself from the situation if your loved one does not calm down Consider counseling or therapy for yourself if you are having a hard time standing up for yourself Put your safety first; if you feel unsafe in any way, get away from your loved one and go somewhere safe

ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS Anger isn’t the real problem in abusive relationships Domestic violence is not due to the abuser’s loss of control over his behavior and temper Abusive behavior is a deliberate choice for the sole purpose of controlling you Couples’ counselling is not recommended Your partner needs specialized treatment, not regular anger management classes

SUMMARY: ANGER MANAGEMENT What does anger do to you? The mechanics of anger Managing excessive anger Managing the anger of your loved ones

ANY QUESTIONS?

THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION [AND FOR NOT SHOOTING ME IN ANGER OR FRUSTRATION!]

YOU ARE ORDERED TO HAVE A GOOD NIGHT’S SLEEP!