Global Revision Thesis and Paragraph Organization

Global…what? [Global Revision] is simply the act of “reviewing and changing the ideas, reasoning, and conclusions of a piece of written work” (Short). When doing global revision, here are some questions we might want to ask: -Does the writing delivers the intention of the tutee successfully? -Is the writing appropriate for the tutee’s targeted audience? -Is the thesis statement too broad? -Is the thesis statement too narrow? -Are the relationships between the tutee’s arguments clear, appropriate, and effective?

Global Revision…why? Because by directly attempting to correct their mechanical errors, our tutees are raising their probability to miss the bigger picture of their writings. Their papers may arrive at their instructors’ desks free from grammatical problems but also free from thesis statements. It is important to let our tutees know that nobody produces a beautiful writing in one go. When facing grade-conscious tutees, assure them by saying that the structure and organization of their papers generally weighs more than the correctness of their grammar (but make sure to check with the instructor first!). In the following are some ways to help our tutees in understanding the concept of global revision. “[Y]ou may find that the sentence you spent twenty minutes rewording into beautiful and fluid prose isn't really relevant to your thesis statement and you have to delete it after all” (Tarbox & Jackman).

Which of the two lawyers would you rather have? Lawyer A: The defendant is innocent! Lawyer B: The defendant is innocent because she could not perform the murder and she lacks the motives to perform it. (Lawyer A sits down) (Lawyer B sits down)

An [argumentative essay] is like a [court case]

Both have a [Thesis Statement] In an essay: “Although the process involves continual struggle, Lauryn Hill strives for a sense of reality as opposed to fantasy by sharing rather than performing her music” (Hearn). In a court case: The defendant is innocent. In an essay: “Hill admit to feeling this pressure to be image conscious” (Hearn). “Unrehearsed and unpolished, Hill seems at ease with sharing her emotions and imperfections.” (Hearn). In a court case: -Evidence A: The defendant could not perform the murder. -Evidence B: The defendant lacks motive to perform the murder. Both have [Evidences] supporting their Thesis Statement An [argumentative essay] is like a [court case].

Most importantly, both have the same purpose: To persuade the audience to agree with you. An [argumentative essay] is like a [court case].

Which of the two lawyers would you rather have? Lawyer A: The defendant is innocent! Lawyer B: The defendant is innocent because she could not perform the murder and she lacks the motives to perform it. (Lawyer A sits down) (Lawyer B sits down)

Which of the two lawyers would you rather have? Lawyer B: The defendant could not perform the murder because she could not be at the crime scene at the time of murder and because her fingerprints could not be found on the murderer’s weapon. (Lawyer A sits down) (Lawyer B sits down) Lawyer A: The defendant could not perform the murder!

Which of the two lawyers would you rather have? Lawyer B: The defendant could not be at the crime scene at the time of murder because she was in her English class. The instructor marked her attendance and her classmates could testify for that. (Lawyer A sits down) (Lawyer B sits down) Lawyer A: The defendant could not be at the crime scene at the time of murder!

Paragraph Organization “The P.I.E. Paragraph” may help our tutees in understanding paragraph structure. [P]oint The claim: The defendant could not be at the crime scene at the time of murder. [I]nformation The evidences: The instructor marked her attendance and her classmates could testify for that. [E]xplanation The development: These two evidences prove that the defendant was in her classroom when the crime happened. Since she could not be at two places at the same time, the defendant could not be at the crime scene at the time of murder. Adapted from Jon Drinnon’s “Paragraph Organization and Development: The P.I.E. Paragraph”

The structure of Lawyer B’s essay: -Thesis Statement: The defendant is innocent. -Evidence #1: The defendant could not perform the murder. -Evidence #1A: The defendant could not be at the crime scene at the time of murder -The defendant was in her English class. -Evidence 1A(I): The instructor marked her attendance -Evidence 1A(II): Her classmates could testify for that. -Evidence #1B: The defendant’s fingerprints could not be found on the murderer’s weapon. -Evidence #2: The defendant lacks motive to perform the murder. Essay as a big P.I.E.

How To Write A Successful [Point] (Thesis Statement and Topic Sentences) 1. Don’t not make your point an announcement Don’t: I will talk about my opinion in regards of the guilt or innocence of the defendant. Do: The defendant is innocent. 2. Don’t be vague Don’t: The defendant is innocent because of various reasons. Do: The defendant is innocent because she could not perform the murder and she lacks the motives to perform it Adapted from Lydia Hearn’s “Thesis Statements: Characteristics of an effective thesis statement”

How To Write A Successful [Point] (Thesis Statement and Topic Sentences) 3. Do not state only facts in your point Don’t: If the evidences prove that the defendant is innocent then she is innocent, if the evidences prove that the defendant is guilty then she is guilty. Do: The defendant is innocent because she could not perform the murder and she lacks the motives to perform it 4. Do not be unreasonable Don’t: The defendant could not be at the crime scene at the time of murder because the all-knowing and all-powerful I say so Do: The defendant could not be at the crime scene at the time of murder because she was in her English class. The instructor marked her attendance and her classmates could testify for that.

How To Write A Successful [Point] (Thesis Statement and Topic Sentences) 5. Do not be irrelevant Don’t: The defendant is innocent because Kobe Bryant is the best NBA player. Do: The defendant is innocent because she could not perform the murder and she lacks the motives to perform it 6. Show the relationship between your arguments

Four Basic Relationships 1. Cause – Effect 2. Contradiction 3. Addition 4. Illustration Adapted from Diana Hacker’s A Writer’s Reference.

In conclusion/To sum up/Ultimately/In the end/ In summary/Finally/The last but not least… These techniques should be able to remedy the basic problems in essay structure in our tutee’s writings. In fact, a De Anza College instructor still uses some of these techniques to help her students in EWRT2 level. This is not, however, an end-all solution to each and every problem our tutees have. Sometimes a hearty smile helps a tutee better than an hour length of lecture.

Sources Drinnon, Jon. “Paragraph Organization and Development: The P.I.E. Paragraph”. Jon’s English Site. March Hacker, Diana. A Writer’s Reference. Boston: Bedford/St. Martin’s, Hearn, Lydia. “The Hills of Hill: Lauryn Hill’s Struggle for Reality in Her Music”. December De Anza College Faculty. March Hearn, Lydia. “Thesis Statements: Characteristics of an effective thesis statement”. October De Anza College Faculty. March “How to Write A Thesis Statement”. Indiana University Writing Tutorial Services. March

Jackman, Mike and Annie Tarbox. “Re/Visioning Revision”. April WRite Away. March Karper, Erin. “Writing a Thesis Statement”. August Purdue Online Writing Center. March “Global Revision”. University of Virginia Writing Center. March Short, Susan A. “Revising, Grammar, and Punctuation”. January ShortStreet. March Sources