Steps to Recovery for Partners of Sex Addicts Mending a Shattered Heart & Facing Heartbreak Introductions – Ask Audience what they would like to get out of this session Let audience know Tony and I will present tasks and performables, Mari will bring the material to light with a case example

Common Questions from Partners Will this get better? Is there hope? What is disclosure? How do I structure my boundaries? What do I tell the kids? Should I stay or should I go? What are the 12 steps and what can they do for me? Where do I get help? Is my husband a pedophile? Is my husband gay?

The course of recovery over time and the parallel path of the partner

The Six Stage Model Defined for Partners Stages are fluid and often overlap No specific time periods for each stage Similar to addict stages

Stages of Recovery for the Partner The Developing Stage (Pre-Discovery) Crisis Shock Grief (Ambivalence) Repair Growth

THE COURSE OF RECOVERY OVER TIME DEVELOPING STAGE (Pre-discovery) CRISIS/ Decision/ Information Gathering SHOCK STAGE GRIEF STAGE REPAIR STAGE GROWTH STAGE

THE DEVELOPING STAGE Prior to learning partners behavior is an addiction Can last months or more commonly years. Partners either knew of the behavior or were completely “in the dark” re: illicit sexual behaviors If a partner knew of behaviors, often would minimize, deny, blame themselves or join in the sexual escapades of the addict

The Developing Stage Believe tall tales. Tolerate, normalize unacceptable behavior from the addict (verbal abuse, dependency, unavailability, mood swings, etc.). Self- doubt (second-guessing, not trusting gut feelings). Seek couples therapy to treat the relationship. Unmanageability.

Crisis Stage Façade of addict has been exposed. Catalytic event that causes partner to confront reality of the addiction Information-seeking at its highest Take action/ making decisions (e.g. sending to treatment, joining a 12-step group, read literature pertaining to sexual addiction, separation, file for divorce, seek information Emotional turmoil

Typical Path of Disclosure Deny everything Disclose what you think you can get away with Disclose a bit more Get confronted as more things come out Disclose all (REPEAT!)

Shock Stage Feelings and emotions occur as a result of the initial discovery/disclosure of the addiction Emotional numbness or avoidance Feeling victimized/ traumatized Suspicious Fear about slips, future Feelings of despair Anger (hostility, self-righteousness, blame, criticism) Ruminating/ Distrust Desire accountability/ disclosure from addict

Shock Stage Continued Partner Disclosure of ALL previously concealed behavior is desired Reasons cited: To make sense of the past To validate their suspicions To gain a sense of control To assess their risk of STD exposure To assess their partner’s relationship commitment

Grief and Ambivalence Grieving losses. Feelings of depression. Ambivalence about the relationship. Increased introspection and focus on the self. Less focus on the addicts behavior.

Repair Stage Introspection. Decision-making stage about the relationship. Deeper insight into possible co-dependency issues. Family of origin themes examined and integrated. Prior losses more fully grieved. Increased strength and coping skills. Boundary setting. Emotional stability.

Growth Stage Decreased feelings of being victimized by the addiction. Focus on issues not directly related to the addiction. Awareness of your role in the dysfunction of the relationship increases. Acknowledgement of gifts the addiction has brought to your life.

STAGE MIX IN RECOVERY Crisis/Decision Developing Shock Crisis/Decision Growth Developing Repair Shock Grief Crisis/Decision Developing Repair Grief 1 2 3 4 5 6 Shock Growth 3. Fifth Year Crisis/Decision Shock Developing Repair 1 2 3 4 5 6 Grief Growth 2. Third Year 1 2 3 4 5 6 1. Early First Year

Trauma Survivor or Codependent?

Trauma model for partners Research shows partners experience PTSD symptoms and symptoms of acute stress disorder post disclosure (Steffens and Rennie, 2006) Sexual Trauma Model (Minwalla, Chapter 6 Mending) More practitioners acknowledging partner’s experience as trauma

Trauma Model for Partners “Relational Trauma” triggers a multitude of trauma responses: Emotional Turmoil Fear that manifests as protective behaviors Obsessing about the trauma Avoidance of thinking about or discussing the trauma Intrusive thinking about the addiction or acting out behaviors Sleeplessness/ nightmares

The Level of Trauma is influence by… Amount of deception Length of time of deception Gaslighting/ covert emotional abuse Type of acting out/ offending behavior Exposure to the acting out Public Embarrassment Impact on the children Impact on finances

Developing Therapeutic Alliance with the Partner Validate Trauma Typical “Joining” strategies Allow for narrating of story and pain Emphasize the importance of their own therapeutic process Boundary work Challenge cautiously – do deeper, more introspective work, after initial trauma symptoms have decreased Abandonment, FOO issues, past traumas

Traditional Codependency Model Approximately 50% of partners self-identify as “co-dependent” Many partners will not want to be “labeled”, especially initially. As therapeutic alliance grows may be able to challenge them more Couples nicely with addict’s 12 step work – partner “works their own program”

Characteristics of Co-Addiction/ Co-dependency Denial Preoccupation Enabling Rescuing Taking excessive responsibility Emotional turmoil Efforts to Control Compromise of self Anger Sexual issues

Criticisms Trauma Model Codependency Model Addict is “sick” and partner is “healthy” Does not challenge partner to get out of “victim” stance Does not challenge partner to take responsibility for their own behaviors Codependency Model Developed in Patriarchical Addiction culture Pathologizes family members Traumatizing to partners – when they feel misunderstood

Influence on Partner Sexuality Relational Sexual Difficulties Sexual Aversion Sexual Shame Body Image Issues Sexual Secrets Obligatory Sex Broken Trust www.recoveryzone.com to take PSS

Support for Partners Therapy Trauma work Task Centered Therapy Trauma work Group support (facilitated group therapy) Normalizes Decreases Shame Twelve Step Support Spiritual Support Family/ Couples work when appropriate Bibliotherapy

Treatment for the Partner

Partner Tasks Tony 9 - 12

The Seven Tasks for Partners Cope with the Trauma of Discovery/Disclosure Manage the Crisis Develop a Plan for Support and Self-Care Understand the Nature of Addiction Deal with the Emotional Aftershock Communicate Effectively about the Addiction Create a Recovery Plan

Task 1: Cope with the trauma of discovery/ disclosure Recognize the Trauma Learn About the Toxic Dance of the Staggered Disclosure Toxic Flow: The STEPS of Staggered Disclosure Identify Lies and Misinformation Identify Level of Trauma Recognize the Difference Between Big (Big T) and Small (Small T) Traumas in your Life Recognize Trauma Symptoms Learn to Tell Your Story of What Happened

Task 2: Manage the crisis Establish Safety Create a Safety Shield Set Non-Negotiable Boundaries Set Healthy Emotional Boundaries Set Healthy Physical and Sexual Boundaries Set Healthy Boundaries for People, Places and Things Develop a Communication Plan Stef 13

Mari cover safety sheild – through slide 17 - 22

Stef 23 - 26

Task 3: Develop a plan for support and self care Establish a Support System Build your Support Network Find a Therapist Learn About Group Therapy Get Involved in a Twelve Step Community Create a Self-Care Plan Find Other Methods of Self-Care Practice a Relaxation Technique Learn to Soothe Tony 27 - 28

Task 4: Understand the nature of addiction Learn key concepts about addiction in general Learn about Sex Addiction Learn about Addiction and the Brain Recognize Current Beliefs About Addiction Understand the Concept of Cross Addiction Understand Criteria for Addictive Illness Learn Risk Factors of Addiction

Task 5: Deal with the emotional aftershock Identify your Emotions Identify your Losses Deal with Grievances Manage your Pain Cope with your Anger Deal with the Shame and Guilt Cope with Feelings of Numbness and Efforts to Distract Deal with Confusion Find Hope Stef 29 - 35

Task 6: Communicate effectively about the addiction Write a Partner Impact Letter Identify Your Communication Style Explore Communication Roles and the Karpman Triangle Create a Communication Toolbox Write a Letter to Sex Addiction Identify Toxic Ineffective Communication Strategies and Coping Behaviors Identify Hot Topics in about Sex Addiction in Your Relationship

Tony 36 – 38 Tony goes through impact letter in detail here

Mari 39 - 55

Task 7: Create a recovery plan Personal Craziness Index Complete Forgiveness Exercise Complete Forge Ahead Exercise Complete a Sexuality Survey Understand Partner’s Impact on Your Sexuality Create Sexual Affirmations Identify Negative Beliefs About Your Body and Your Sexuality Find Alternative Reactions to Destructive Behaviors Stef

Stef – PSS 73 - 74

All

Thank you!