Leadership & Self Deception By The Arbinger Institute

WHAT WE WANT IS WHAT WE DON’T GET!

Philosophy An underlying issue that undercuts both Individuals Organisations

the problem of not knowing one has a problem SELF DECEPTION the problem of not knowing one has a problem

PARADOX

we often create our own problems

we seem unaware that we create problems

we actively resist solutions

1978, a scholar, Terry C Warner and his team, discovered how to explain “self-deception” and the solutions to address it. Founders – Terry C Warner, Duane Boyce, Jim Ferrell, Paul Smith Published the book “Leadership and Self Deception- Getting Out of The Box” in year 2000. Currently an International Best Seller available in more than 20 languages. A prequel to the book was published in Aug 2006 entitled, “The Anatomy of Peace – Resolving the Heart of Conflict.”

The result of self Deception is…

PEOPLE PROBLEMS

poor communications

poor relationships

poor teamwork

Politics / Conflict Low Morale / Motivation Silo Thinking / Lack of Departmental Interaction Lack of Trust / Lack of Empowerment Poor Leadership - Not walking the talk! Lack of Ownership, Accountability, Responsibility No Initiative The list goes on and on………..

To solve it, we try different strategies

training

selection of the right people

robust management methods

Key Performance Indicators (KPIs)

clear milestones

and more! Performance Management Systems Incentives and Rewards Improved Communications Leadership Dialogue Shared Vision, Values BPR

With all these strategies in place … It is a cliché: the way to optimise profits and outcomes is people; In reverse, what is true? The thing that stops us from getting the profits/outcomes/results that we want is … people problems. Typically in any organisation we have people problems, and let’s just share a few: (In most organisations, there will be pockets of poor communication, pockets of poor relationships, pockets of conflict, some labour problems, lack of trust, people not taking ownership, lack of teamwork – to name a few.) Now, how do we in organisations try to address these people problems? What are our strategies? (Obviously, there is a training solution. What else do they do? Better hiring and firing strategies, better rewards and incentives, enhanced leadership – what else do they do? Provide coaching, have conversations that re-introduced shared vision etc) Now, there is a little-known discovery in the human sciences that I am going to share. A discovery which makes a bold claim: All of these people problems that we are having are symptomatic of one deeper problem and we are going to discover what that is, together.

how much time do we still spend on managing people problems? how much time and effort do we continue to spend on managing people problems? It is a cliché: the way to optimise profits and outcomes is people; In reverse, what is true? The thing that stops us from getting the profits/outcomes/results that we want is … people problems. Typically in any organisation we have people problems, and let’s just share a few: (In most organisations, there will be pockets of poor communication, pockets of poor relationships, pockets of conflict, some labour problems, lack of trust, people not taking ownership, lack of teamwork – to name a few.) Now, how do we in organisations try to address these people problems? What are our strategies? (Obviously, there is a training solution. What else do they do? Better hiring and firing strategies, better rewards and incentives, enhanced leadership – what else do they do? Provide coaching, have conversations that re-introduced shared vision etc) Now, there is a little-known discovery in the human sciences that I am going to share. A discovery which makes a bold claim: All of these people problems that we are having are symptomatic of one deeper problem and we are going to discover what that is, together. how much time do we still spend on managing people problems? 24

at what cost to the organization? at what cost to the team? It is a cliché: the way to optimise profits and outcomes is people; In reverse, what is true? The thing that stops us from getting the profits/outcomes/results that we want is … people problems. Typically in any organisation we have people problems, and let’s just share a few: (In most organisations, there will be pockets of poor communication, pockets of poor relationships, pockets of conflict, some labour problems, lack of trust, people not taking ownership, lack of teamwork – to name a few.) Now, how do we in organisations try to address these people problems? What are our strategies? (Obviously, there is a training solution. What else do they do? Better hiring and firing strategies, better rewards and incentives, enhanced leadership – what else do they do? Provide coaching, have conversations that re-introduced shared vision etc) Now, there is a little-known discovery in the human sciences that I am going to share. A discovery which makes a bold claim: All of these people problems that we are having are symptomatic of one deeper problem and we are going to discover what that is, together. at what cost to the organization? 25

A BOLD CLAIM! IF THERE IS A WAY TO, WITH ONE STRATEGY, REDUCE TIME SPENT ON PEOPLE PROBLEMS AND ENHANCE FOCUS ON RESULTS, WOULD YOU WANT TO ADOPT IT FOR YOUR PROJECT? WITHIN YOUR ORGANIZATION?

SINGLE DEEPER PROBLEM PEOPLE PROBLEMS Poor Communications Poor Relationships Poor Teamwork / Lack of Cohesion Politics / Conflict Low Morale / Motivation Silo Thinking / Lack of Departmental Interaction Lack of Trust / Lack of Empowerment Poor Leadership Lack of Ownership, Accountability, Responsibility No Initiative PEOPLE PROBLEMS are symptomatic of a SINGLE DEEPER PROBLEM that few people know about! It is a cliché: the way to optimise profits and outcomes is people; In reverse, what is true? The thing that stops us from getting the profits/outcomes/results that we want is … people problems. Typically in any organisation we have people problems, and let’s just share a few: (In most organisations, there will be pockets of poor communication, pockets of poor relationships, pockets of conflict, some labour problems, lack of trust, people not taking ownership, lack of teamwork – to name a few.) Now, how do we in organisations try to address these people problems? What are our strategies? (Obviously, there is a training solution. What else do they do? Better hiring and firing strategies, better rewards and incentives, enhanced leadership – what else do they do? Provide coaching, have conversations that re-introduced shared vision etc) Now, there is a little-known discovery in the human sciences that I am going to share. A discovery which makes a bold claim: All of these people problems that we are having are symptomatic of one deeper problem and we are going to discover what that is, together.

How I started to see Myself How I started to see Mark SENSE: Share the information with Mark to help him with his work Person [Responsive Way] Honour the sense CHOICE Betray the sense Horribilise Be defensive Blame with thoughts & emotions How I started to see Myself Deserve to be on top Hardworking Busy How I started to see Mark Competitor/threat Won’t appreciate it May not need it May misconstrue my intentions Too dependent Lazy Now, suppose, Igor, that I work with you on a project, and one day I was going through my files and I find some information that is very useful for me. And, it is very useful for you too, I realise. Now if I am thinking of the organisations wellbeing and I want to be helpful to my co-workers, what would naturally occur to me? To share it – I have a sense to ‘Share this information with Igor to help him with his work. And with this sense comes a choice: to what we call honour that sense, or to be betray it. Let’s say this is what happens: I have this sense to share the information with Igor, and yet I don’t share it. I keep it to myself. Now, as I clutch this information to myself, how do you suppose I might start to see Igor now? HE can do it himself – he might misconstrue my intentions – suspect me – he’s not ready for this – he’s been lazy before – he is a threat to me. How do you suppose I started to see myself? Now, think about it. Just a minute ago it occurred to me to call Igor and share this information with him, and a minute later I am seeing him like this… Now, do these thoughts and feelings that I have about Igor now invite me to go back and honour the sense to share the information with him? No? What do they do? Justify my keeping the information to myself. In self-betrayal I feel justified.. This is the box of self-betrayal – I go into the box of self-betrayal. Let’s take this diagram a bit further. Why did it occur to me to share this information with Igor? Was I alive to him in some way? Igor was a person to me. Was he a person to me when I was thinking like this? [in the box] – If so, what kind of person was he to me? A threat – I was seeing him in terms of his value to me, to be used in some way, or as a problem for me, or in some way I did not care about him – he was irrelevant. In Arbinger terms we say that I am not alive to him any more, he is more of an object to me. He is less than I am – less relevant, less real, less important. He is still much on my mind, but my experience of him is now very different to the one where I first felt to help him. We just used the word justified. Let’s talk about that: what if he IS a lazy person – when in the story did I start to become obsessed by his lazyness? Did it matter to me up here? – So, in the box I start exageratting his faults. When did I start to get defensive? When in the story did I need reasons to blame Igor? And think about it, did I blame with just my thoughts or with my emotions as well? So this is what happens each time I do not honour my sense of someone else, my sense to help them in their reality. Now, how many times does this happen? Every so often we honour our sense, and every so often we betray it. What we now know is that when we betray it, we go into this box. Now we somehow get out of this box, and see this person as a person again, and then we honour a few of our senses, and then we betray the sense again, and we go into this box. Over our lives, this is what we have been doing. – we have been doing it unconsciously – treating them as people sometimes, and as objects sometimes. We do not have the conscious knowledge of how we move here, from person to object, and how we move back. We now have a concept of how we move from person to object, but not how to move back. We can see how the mechanism works, to get into the box. Now, what are the chances, after some time of going into the box, that we do not get out? That we continuously see this person in these ways, and ourselves in these ways? Is it possible that this happens? Think about our own lives – think about somebody at home, or at work – somebody in your life, someone you are often interacting with, who flusters, or bothers, or angers you sometimes. Can you think of someone like that in your life? Now, let’s try something. This is what we are going to try to do: let’s try to see them as a person, right now. Is it possible? It could be, right? But are there circumstances where, when you try to see them as people, you get more angry? Does that happen? That is an indication that I am stuck, with no way out! And the other implication is that I cannot will myself to see the other person as a person! But if that happens, what does this mean – I am living in the box. Object [Resistant Way] In Self-Betrayal, I feel JUSTIFIED

Why is the BOX a big deal?

CONSTANTLY MEASURING OTHERS’ IMPACT ON ME Seeking Justification L2: Coworker CONSTANTLY MEASURING OTHERS’ IMPACT ON ME L1: Customer Their impact on me Their impact on me In all my working life, I have been paying attention to others impact on me: is their work well done, do they get it to me on time, is my boss really supporting me in the way that he should, do my team members really understand what hard work it is leading a group like them, and what a great leader I am? Whether I am in the box or not, I work in 4 directions. When I am in the box, as I work in these 4 directions, what am I focused on? Ans: myself and in seeking justification This means that as I work in this 4 directions from the box, I am focused on measuring others impact on me. What would this invite in others? Ans: Get in the box What would they then do? Measure my impact on them When I am in the box, I am expecting others to measure their impact on me. I expect them to show respect as they walk by me, to know the pressures I am under, and burdens I carry, recognise the value of the work I do for them. And Bernt, you’re my boss and you haven’t appreciated my work for months. And you think I want to work hard for you? I think everyone else should be doing better for me. But guess what I never measure? Myself. My job, as I see it, is to go around holding other people accountable for their impact on me. I don’t hold myself accountable for my impact on them. What is the effect of this in the organisation? Now, remember, I am going to be doing all my doings. I am going to be doing everything in my job description. So how do you get rid of me? You can’t. So, let’s take me out of the centre. In any organisation, toward whom am I usually focussed? Customers. But what about co-workers? Isn’t this important. What about team members? What about our bosses How much of a result can I deliver to a customer on my own? If I want to be adding much, much more value for my customers, who do I need to be working with? Co-workers and other teams – production teams, sales teams, marketing, To the extent that we are unable to work together, can I truly say that I am optimising my results for my customers? So Co-workers are even more important than customers, right? And what about L3 – Team members? If I am not leading out of the box, what are the chances that we are focussing on results? How much are we optimising resources and creative talent if we are in the box towards our teams, or encouraging them to be in the box towards each other? By leading out of the box I enable these 2 things to happen. Now, L4: Let’s say I am in the box with my boss. Will I hold myself accountable for my results in these other 3 areas? And if I don’t, will I be able to optimise my results in these 3 areas? In any organisation, is the subordinate out of the box towards his boss, so that he can hold himself accountable for his results for the organisation? Their impact on me Their impact on me Focused on Myself Focused on my doings Seeking Justification L3: Team Member L4: Boss 30

BOX SYMPTOMS

focusing on… what others need to do Exclusively focusing on… “What do others need to be doing so that the project will be completed?”

focusing on… other’s mistakes Fixated with others mistakes or negative qualities

focusing on… other’s negative qualities Fixated with other’s negative qualities

NOT focusing on… being a better team member Not thinking about how I can be a better team member that invites more cooperation from the team

and more!

SOLVING THE BETRAYAL PROBLEM Remember … When I am in the box … focus on myself focus on my doings measure others’ impact on me SEE OBJECTS! When I am out of the box … focus on others focus on results measure my impact on others SEE PEOPLE!

A WAY OUT OF THE BOX

….EMBED A WAY OF WORKING

TO FOCUS ON OURSELVES OR OUR DOINGS THAT DOESN’T ALLOW US TO FOCUS ON OURSELVES OR OUR DOINGS

KEEPS US FOCUSED ON OTHERS AND RESULTS BUT INSTEAD KEEPS US FOCUSED ON OTHERS AND RESULTS

CONSTANTLY MEASURE MY IMPACT ON OTHERS! L2: Coworker CONSTANTLY MEASURE MY IMPACT ON OTHERS! L1: Customer My impact on others My impact on others In all my working life, I have been paying attention to others impact on me: is their work well done, do they get it to me on time, is my boss really supporting me in the way that he should, do my team members really understand what hard work it is leading a group like them, and what a great leader I am? Whether I am in the box or not, I work in 4 directions. When I am in the box, as I work in these 4 directions, what am I focused on? Ans: myself and in seeking justification This means that as I work in this 4 directions from the box, I am focused on measuring others impact on me. What would this invite in others? Ans: Get in the box What would they then do? Measure my impact on them When I am in the box, I am expecting others to measure their impact on me. I expect them to show respect as they walk by me, to know the pressures I am under, and burdens I carry, recognise the value of the work I do for them. And Bernt, you’re my boss and you haven’t appreciated my work for months. And you think I want to work hard for you? I think everyone else should be doing better for me. But guess what I never measure? Myself. My job, as I see it, is to go around holding other people accountable for their impact on me. I don’t hold myself accountable for my impact on them. What is the effect of this in the organisation? Now, remember, I am going to be doing all my doings. I am going to be doing everything in my job description. So how do you get rid of me? You can’t. So, let’s take me out of the centre. In any organisation, toward whom am I usually focussed? Customers. But what about co-workers? Isn’t this important. What about team members? What about our bosses How much of a result can I deliver to a customer on my own? If I want to be adding much, much more value for my customers, who do I need to be working with? Co-workers and other teams – production teams, sales teams, marketing, To the extent that we are unable to work together, can I truly say that I am optimising my results for my customers? So Co-workers are even more important than customers, right? And what about L3 – Team members? If I am not leading out of the box, what are the chances that we are focussing on results? How much are we optimising resources and creative talent if we are in the box towards our teams, or encouraging them to be in the box towards each other? By leading out of the box I enable these 2 things to happen. Now, L4: Let’s say I am in the box with my boss. Will I hold myself accountable for my results in these other 3 areas? And if I don’t, will I be able to optimise my results in these 3 areas? In any organisation, is the subordinate out of the box towards his boss, so that he can hold himself accountable for his results for the organisation? My impact on others My impact on others Focus on Others Focus on Results L3: Team Member L4: Boss