Values & Virtues based Parenting 26th November 2018 & 14th January 2019

Boundaries of this session (scope, time and confidentiality) Fire exits Toilets

In this last year, 60 million prescriptions were given out trying to make people happier.

http://kendranicole.net/beyond-resolutions-kicking-off-2016-with-intentional-values-and-a-new-word-of-the-year/

The difference between a value and a virtue Values can often be thought of as the ‘moral compass’ for an organisation – Workplace values help define the boundaries, or rules, for people’s behaviour. They can also do the same in families. A value is a principle, something that guides our thinking. Something to aspire to. If values are the goal, virtues are the way to get there. A virtue is a characteristic of a person, or a quality. e.g. Value of respect… Virtues that might be needed to show respect might be politeness, consideration… e.g. Value of hard work/ work ethic... Might also need the virtues of self discipline to say no to watching TV or going on phone when it is work time.  (from http://www.synergygroup.net.au/difference-value-virtue/)

decisions made to benefit individuals or groups? How do you want decisions to be made in your family, or power to be distributed in your family? eg decisions made to benefit individuals or groups? Do you think power should be evenly distributed or confined to specific roles?  http://upwardreflections.blogspot.com/2012/01/cultural-values-and-human-virtue.html

In your groups, discuss the virtues and behaviours that you would like to see in your family. Eg Do you think children should get what they want instantly, or are there benefits in learning patience? Do you think children should get everything they want or is there value in sharing? etc, etc

Share points raised in discussions.

The book “The Family Virtues Guide” is part of a wider initiative called The Virtues Project, which has been rolled out in organisations such as families schools and even prisons. It talks about inspiring spiritual growth (spiritual in its widest sense) and has taken common virtues from all the world religions but is not about the practices or beliefs of any one faith. It is designed to be used throughout the world, whatever culture one is in. It is cross cultural. The project was honoured during the International Year of the Family…as “a model global programme for all families.” page xii

There are 52 virtues in the book, which they suggest is one to focus on for every week of the year, but families can choose the order and obviously how many they want to include.

‘Diamond nine’ of virtues activity – in pairs, or on own if you prefer.

compassion patience honesty kindness consideration obedience forgiveness responsibility respect

Was there a virtue not there, that you would really want in your family, that you would have put high up in your diamond nine? To think about: Was there one there that you know you would like to focus on in your family? Hand out list of all 52 virtues and discuss in groups.

Tea and coffee break After the break we will look at how to apply The Family Virtues Guide in Your Family.

Welcome back. Empathy Dr Brené Brown https://www. youtube. com/watch

Discuss one virtue out of the four below Think about what age appropriate behaviours you might actually see in your family. Eg How would you expect your child to behave when they are showing patience? Jot them down. Honesty Patience Empathy Kindness

How do we put this into practise? Set a time to meet and have a family meeting.

You can have a family meeting with a treat afterwards – like a family game, hot chocolate, popcorn or DVD afterwards. A family meeting is a bit like circle time, which all children at school should have done. You could even ask the children to help to lead this! So, at the beginning, you all need to agree on the rules of the circle: These are: All ideas are valued or respected No phones or interruptions Speak one at a time Speak with respect Show good listening

Some people light a candle for their family meetings.

A sample agenda Light candle, etc Share circle time rules (child) Sharing about virtue from the previous week–when people have used it and people can also say when they found it hard to use it. But keep it positive. Game eg virtues charades (if time) Introduce the new virtue of the week. Discussion on new virtue or role play “What would it look like?” Blow out candle and share chocolate, etc

Initially: Introduce the new virtue of the week.

In subsequent weeks: Each person to share a sign of success –a time when they used that virtue. You can then share times when you have seen someone else in the family use that virtue.

A C T Act with tact: Acknowledge Correct Thank How do we put this into practise? Teachable moments – don’t shame but name their virtues A C T Act with tact: Acknowledge Correct Thank If your child wants to speak about what went wrong, don’t lecture. Don’t preach. Listen.

Pick one that you would like to introduce to your family. Plan of action Pick one that you would like to introduce to your family. (The people you are working with may have different virtues but this is really to try to think about how you would introduce it. You can just fill in the blanks for your own virtue.) Share and discuss how you are going to introduce it. When is a good time to have this meeting? Which adult is going to lead the meeting? What would work in your family? Plan it out together.

Share points raised in your groups.

If you see someone not displaying the virtue of the week, what can you say? “This week’s virtue is… Can you show me what … /patient, etc would look like please?” “I’d like to see you being…” Hand out sample script and agenda

Fake it until you make it! Be the best you that you can be for four minutes.

We will meet after Christmas and discuss how we have got on, as well as some tips on managing difficult emotions in your family. Monday 14th January 2019