Authentic Parenting Becoming a Love and Logic Parent Todd Jeffrey Oregon Association for Talented and Gifted

Two rules of Love and Logic Rule #1 Adults set firm limits in loving ways without anger, lectures or threats. Rule #2 When a child causes a problem the adult hands it back in loving ways.

Helicopter and Drill Sergeants Helicopters send the message: -You are fragile. -You need me to run interference. -You need me to protect you. - You cant make it without me. Drill Sergeants send the message: -You cant think. -If have to do your thinking for you, boss you around, tell you what to do. -You arent capable of making it in life.

Self Efficacy The belief in our abilities to deal with problems It influences our -Choices -Effort -How long we persist when facing obstacles -How we fell

Guiding Children to Solve Their Own Problems 1.Have empathy 2.Send the Power Message 3.Offer choices 4.Have the child state the consequences 5.Give permission for the child to either solve the problem or not solve the problem 6.Metacognition

Empathy

Benefits of consequences with empathy 1. Child is not distracted by the adults anger. 2. Child must own his or her pain rather than blaming it on the adult. 3. Child less likely to seek revenge. 4. Child learns through modeling to use empathy with others. 5. It feels right.

How to Destroy the Teaching Value of a Logical Consequence 1. Say, This will teach you a good lesson. 2. Display anger or disgust 3. Explain the value of the consequence. 4. Threaten 5. Talk too much 6. Feel sorry and give in

Choices They allow us to share control and have child practice decision making

Meaningfulness The whole process of education should thus be conceived as the process of learning to think through the solutions of real problems.

Our Key Phrases Would you rather……or……. Feel free to ……or………. You can either…….or…….

Enforceable Statements Or Getting Kids to Follow Along (To do what you want them to do)

Design an enforceable statement/choice Dont talk to me in that tone of voice! Be nice to each other. Quit fighting! Go to your room!

How to neutralize arguing

Our Key Phrases I know I love you too much to argue Nice try

Thats not fair……. Thats stupid…… But dad lets me….. But everyone else gets to…… Level 1

Level 2 You dont love me………

Level 3 I hate you………

Level 4 Im running away………..

Level 5 Mom, Dad, Ive learned my lesson. Im sorry. I will never do it again…….

Sabotage Jefferys mom complained to her Love and Logic facilitator, Nothing works with that child. Ive tried everything you taught me, but he just doesnt care. He just keeps interrupting me while Im on the phone! I used the Energy Drain technique, but it didnt work either! Her skillful Love and Logic facilitator asked an insightful question: Were you angry when you used the technique? Well, of course I was. He makes me so mad. I told him that he was getting on my last nerve, and that I was sick and tired of his attitude, and that if he kept it up I was going to have some major energy drains, and that hed better start showing a little respect around here. So there you have it. Mom sabotaged her discipline attempt with the two things that will ruin any attempt to use Love and Logic. She used anger instead of empathy. She used far too many words. All she needed to say was, How sad. Your actions caused me an energy drain. You can put that energy back by raking the yard. Thank you.

Messages

Jeffrey House I Believe…. Jeffrey House I Believe…. I can handle it. I am the master of my own fate I can figure out solutions to my problems I am not alone People care about me I make a difference in the world!