Abuse, Power and Control PowerPoint Slideshow #4 Abuse, Power and Control A workshop for individuals with disabilities and low English literacy

What are the Ground Rules? Please turn off your cell-phone. No one has to talk if they do not want to. Be respectful. No laughing or put downs. One person talks at a time. No interruptions. Are there any other ground rules that you would like to have here today?

1. The warning signs of an abusive relationship Unit ? Abuse, Power and Control What You Will Learn 1. The warning signs of an abusive relationship 2. How to recognize abuse 3. Resistance in abusive relationships

An emotional or other connection between people. Who Abuse People with Disabilities Just like every-one else, people with disabilities could have dating violence in their relationships. Relationship An emotional or other connection between people. But there are also other people who abuse people with disabilities. For this page we will talk about other kinds of domestic violence instead of just dating violence. Dating Violence Abuse that happens between two people who are in a dating relationship. Like other people who are abused, people with disabilities are often abused by people who know them.

This could be: A care-giver A support worker A boy-friend or girl-friend A husband or wife Another family member Some-one in the community Remember, abuse is not only physical and causes cuts or bruises, it is also when people say mean things, try to control you or ignore you when you need help. No-one is allowed to treat you like this. If you think some-one is being abusive to you, tell some-one you trust and keep telling until you get help!

A person who abuses some-one in a relationship that has trust. Violence is a Choice – It is Not Your Fault A common dating violence belief is that people who are abusive “lose control” when they are abusive. This belief is often used to excuse the abuser from what they are doing. Abuser A person who abuses some-one in a relationship that has trust. Abusers are in control and they choose how to let their anger out. They make a decision about how much abuse, what kind of abuse and they choose who they want to be abusive to. They can change how they act based on the situation.

That’s Not an Excuse for Abuse Why do these excuses not excuse abusive behaviour? “It’s not violence” “I was only joking!” “I was having a bad day.” “Jealousy is a normal part of every relationship.” “You made me angry.” “It just happened one. It won’t happen again.” “I should be more important than your friends.” “My needs are more important than yours.” “I didn’t mean to hurt you.” “You deserved it.”

Red Flag or Warning Sign Red Flags and Warning Signs Red Flag or Warning Sign A behaviour or attitude that could be a problem and may lead to abusive behaviour in the future. They are things to pay attention to or watch out for. Relationships do not start abusive. The reason why people get stuck in abusive relationships is because the abuse starts small and is very hard to recognize. Abusive Relationship A relationship where one person holds all the power and control over the other person. Early abusive behaviour is less intense and often may seem like “good intentions”. Abuse is when those “good intentions” become about power and control.

Red Flags and Warning Signs If the person you are with makes the choice to be abusive, you cannot stop the dating violence from happening. But learning to recognize the signs can help you be more aware of it. It can be hard to see the signs in your own relationship, but some-one else may be able to see the signs.

Know the Signs Here are some “Red Flags” or warning signs: Soon after you start to date they pressure you into a more serious relationship, or to have sex. They become very jealous and act like they own you. They try to control you and make decisions for you. They do not take your views seriously. They try to stop you from spending time with your friends and family. They do things like yell and swear at you, tell rumours about you or try to make you feel guilty. This is emotional or verbal abuse.

Recognize Abuse Like we talked about before, it can be hard to see abuse in your relationship. Abusive partners do not want to get caught. They are often on their best behaviour when around others but are abusive to their partner in private. Here are some signs that some-one might be in an abusive relationship: Mood or personality changes Changes in how they dress Over-reacting to things that seem small Losing confidence in them-self Staying away from friends and activities they enjoy Injuries like bruises, scratches or broken bones Recognizing Abuse

How Can You Help? If you see these signs in a friend’s relationship you probably want to help. But how? This kind of thing can be hard. You do not want to accuse their partner of being abusive if they are not. You do not want the person to feel embarrassed or ashamed for being in an abusive relationship. You do not want the person to pull away from you and away from help.

Seeing Abuse If you think some-one you know may be in an abusive relationship, you may feel like: It is none of your business It is your business. Stopping abuse is every-one’s business. There is no hope There is hope. They can live a life with-out abuse. Your support can help! and your support is needed! There is nothing you can do There is a lot you can do. Your support can really help some-one who is being abused. You may have tried to help them and it has not done any-thing. But your support IS helping and they will need you when they leave.

Things You Can Do To Help: Know that they may not be able to see the abuse and may not want to talk about it. Some-times people in an abusive relationship do not realize the behaviour they are seeing is abusive. They may not know it is not normal and that it is not ok. Also they could be ashamed or embarrassed about the abuse. Talk to them alone and in private. Show them respect and concern. Let them know you believe them, you know that it is not their fault and that the abuser made a choice to hurt them.

Things You Can Do To Help: Ask them open ended questions. Example: “How are things going with you and Max?” Can you come up with some more examples of what you could say to some-one or what you would want some-one to say to you? Do not judge or give advice. Instead give them info about options so they can make their own decision about what they want to do. Do not criticize your friend’s boy-friend or girl-friend. If you criticize their boy-friend or girl-friend, your friend may feel like they have to stand up for them.

Things You Can Do To Help: Do not ask questions about the abuse. They may not be ready to tell you every-thing or the truth with what is happening in their relationship. Stay calm and listen carefully. If you act shocked or upset, you could make your friend feel worse. Do not confront your friend’s boy-friend or girl-friend. It could make a bad situation worse and put you or your friend in danger. Instead, talk to your friend about what choices they have, ask them how you can help and remind them you are there for them.

What an Abusive Relationship Feels Like Sometimes it can be hard to see abuse in your own relationship. Here are some ways you might feel if you are in an abusive relationship: It might feel like you are all alone. It might feel like it is your fault. You might feel like it will not happen again. It might feel like you should not say anything. It might feel like there is nothing you can do about it. You might feel like you are worthless. Abuse is not about you. It is about how the abuser chooses to behave.

Dating Violence and Self-Esteem Living with abuse can lower a person’s self-esteem. People who are abused may start to believe that they deserve to be in an abusive relationship. Along with fear, threats and intimidation, bringing down a person’s self-esteem is a way to get control. A person might be more likely to stay in a relationship if they think: They can-not do any better They can-not survive with-out the person That the abuse is their fault That no-one would believe them if they talked Some-times it is hard for some-one out-side the relationship to support some-one in an abusive relationship because they think that they should just leave. But it is not that easy.

Resistance It might seem like a person being abused is not doing any-thing to try and stop it. They do find ways of RESISTING against the abuse. Resistance [ree-zis-tense] Any-thing a person who is being abused does to try to reduce, prevent or stop the abuse in some way. In an abusive relationship it is often not safe for the person to openly stand up to the abuse. Resistance might not be seen by out-siders or even the person them-self. Because of this, people being abused are often seen as being passive or that they accept the abuse.

Resistance Resistance is things like: Not doing what the abuser wants them to do Picturing a better life Numbing their feelings to reduce the pain Not going down to the abuser’s level Making friends or staying in touch with family

Resistance Resistance looks different to every person in every relationship. Think about resistance in this dating violence situation: Julie is in an abusive relationship. When it is just the 2 of them her partner says things like “don’t even talk to me, your voice puts me in a bad mood” and “some-times I just want to slap you when you act like that”. So far there has been no physical violence, but he has broken things around her and gotten so angry that Julie is scared all the time that he might “explode”. List some of the things Julie could do to resist the emotional abuse.

Why is Resistance Important People who have been abused often think that they could have done some-thing better or different to make the abuse stop. If the person can see the many ways they resisted and under-stand that resistance cannot stop the abuse, they may feel less self blame. Helping a person who has been abused learn the ways that they resisted could help them to under-stand that the abuse is not their fault.

Discussion Questions As a group discuss the following questions: Can you see how abuse (emotional, physical or any other kind) is all about power and control? What are some of the myths or excuses that you might know or have heard about abuse in relationships? Why are these myths and excuses dangerous? What are some of the barriers you might face when trying to talk to or help a friend who you think might be in an abusive relationship? How could it be dangerous for someone in an abusive relationship to resist the abuse?

The Dating Violence Awareness Program was created by Vecova Research Services. This video was made possible with funding from the TELUS community fund and the Canadian Women’s Foundation.