How to Shape Conversations for Change Prepared by: Janice Bradley Utah Education Policy Center

By the end of the hour, you will be aware of… Two patterns of conversation Polite Fights and Gripe Cycles Strategies for changing each pattern

The Reason Conversations Fail All communication breakdowns can be explained in terms of one common factor: BEHAVIOR. The specific combination of words and voice tones people are using Change your behavior, change your results

How Negative Conversations Turn Positive One Way: Verbal Actions Just listen….

Example of a Polite Fight Do we take time to plan or not? Starting opinion: We should take more time to plan. Yes, but #1 – That may be true, but our schedule doesn’t allow for time. Yes, but #2 – When I plan a lesson, it goes much better for me and the kids. Yes, but #3 – I see your point, still I want to have a life outside of school. Etc.

Polite Fights Sound Like Yes, but….the great divider Yes, buts send a mixed message People only hear the ”but” Any difference can become a conflict

YES, BUT VARIATIONS VARIATIONS OF YES I understand where you are coming from….. I see your point… That may be true… I know that seems obvious… You could say that… That’s one way to look at it.. You are right… Sure… VARIATIONS OF BUT …however… …nevertheless… …on the other hand… …still… …only then… …have you considered… …it’s just that… …and yet…

Turning Around Polite Fights BUILD AWARENESS: Build three things you genuinely like, agree with or can add to. EXPLORE NEW BEHAVIORS PRACTICE TURNING ACTIONS INTO HABITS What does it feel like to shift from yes-butting to building?

Gripe Cycles Sound Like COMPLAINT, PROPOSAL, COMPLAINT, PROPOSAL, ETC. The message coming through is that life is unfair, too much, not enough, and there’s nothing we can do about it. The voice tone is whining, frustrated, and resentful. A gripe cycle is not bad. The problem is the repeating, unproductive pattern that both speakers are contributing to. A grip cycle blocks problem solving and change of any kind. If the pattern continues, both persons will be increasingly frustrated. Two issues underlying any complaint: the person wants something and they feel powerless to get it.

Turning Around Gripe Cycles AWARENESS: What do is your underlying want? What is the other’s person’s underlying want? ACTION: Ask what you (they) want, then ask how you(they) can get it? Agree of make a new proposal. TAKEAWAY IDEAS Sometimes when a person is complaining, they are not interested in problem solving or wanting help, they just want someone to empathize with them. When you help someone who is complaining to discover what they want and how they can get it, you empower them to start solving their own problems.

Reflections/Insights What are you taking away? What ideas/insights have been sparked for you in the last hour? INVITATION - Make a SMART goal. Example: I will become aware of a conversation pattern in 3 conversations this week.