Conflict Resolutions/Anger Management Spring 2015

ASCA Student Standards PS:A1.5 Identify and express feelings PS:A2.1 Recognize that everyone has rights and responsibilities PS:A2.2 Respect alternative points of view PS:A2.3 Recognize, accept, respect and appreciate individual differences PS:A2.6 Use effective communications skills PS:B1.1 Use a decision-making and problem-solving model PS:B1.2 Understand consequences of decisions and choices PS:B1.3 Identify alternative solutions to a problem PS:B1.4 Develop effective coping skills for dealing with problems PS:C1.7 Apply effective problem- solving and decision-making skills to make safe and healthy choices

Learning Objectives 1. Students will learn to demonstrate an understanding of conflict resolution strategies. 2. Students will practice assertive communication in regards to using “I” statements. 3. Students will learn the steps for de-escalating situations and negotiation skills.

What is Assertive Communication?

Assertive Communication Express themselves openly and honestly to communicate their needs, wants or feeling, without discounting the wants, needs, or feelings of others. Tend to try to negotiate to right a wrong Tend to confront the situation/person respectfully but directly

What is Avoidant Communication?

Avoidant Communication (Passive) Permit others to take advantage of them Discount themselves and act as if others are more important than they are Tend to deny anger May not be aware that they have the right to be angry.

What is Aggressive Communication?

Aggressive Communication Intentionally attack, take advantage of, humiliate, hurt, put down, or depreciate other people. Act on the behalf that others are not important as they are. Blow up Blame Others Call them names Can equate to violence Worse way to handle feelings

“You & I” Statements What’s the difference?

“You” Statements Why don’t you ever listen? You just don’t understand me! Why are you always late? You must study or you won’t score well You are of no help at all! You are so insensitive, you just don’t care, you don’t love me

“You” Statements These are called ‘You statements’ and are the typical way we communicate. We tell the person what he/she did or didn’t do, whether it was right or wrong or what he should or shouldn’t be doing. Such statements, more often than not sound like accusations and blame. It conveys judgment. Such statements, more often than not sound like accusations and blame. It conveys judgment. No one likes being judged and hence it closes down communication lines. It puts the person on the defense, making him unable and unwilling to be open to what you have to say and truly listen It puts the person on the defense, making him unable and unwilling to be open to what you have to say and truly listen

“I” Statements I feel unheard, can we talk? I feel like I’m not being understood and its making me feel upset. I feel anxious when you don’t arrive on time. I find it difficult to complete work as it gets delayed without you. I am worried about your scores and I would be happy to see you successful. Maybe we can work at improving study habits. I feel overworked and would appreciate some extra help.

“I” Statements “I” statements are designed to express and take responsibility for your feelings rather than blaming others. There are four steps to developing an “I” statement. The focus is on the action or the circumstance you want changed, not on the person. First, tell the person, “I have a problem”. Secondly, make a non-threatening description of the problem. Third, tell the person how you feel about the problem. Let Reality be the disciplining agent by asking two questions: a). “If you continue this behavior, will it make our relationship better or worse?” b). “Do you want our relationship to get better or worse?”

Disguised “You” Statements One thing to be alert about though are disguised statements. Statements like “ I feel that…” or I feel like…” as they are just hidden “You” statements – “I feel that you are getting stubborn” or “I feel like you don’t spend any time with me”. These have the same accusatory effect and do not help.

De-Escalator Steps 1. 1.Stay cool, calm and on center Give the other person some space 3. 3.Listen to the other person 4. 4.Set your limits with non-blaming statements 5. 5.Lighten things up 6. 6.Admit your part

Negotiation Steps 1.Agreeing to solve the problem 2.Telling your stories or side. 3.Clarifying needs. 4.Explore Win-Win solutions & reach an agreement.

Last Round of “I” Statements Use “I” Message assertive communications as an intervention tool to control behavior problems before acting-out occurs. 1. Tell the person “I have a problem.”. 2. Make a “non-threatening” description of the problem or behavior. 3. Tell the person(s) how you feel about the problem or behavior. 4. Let Reality be the disciplining agent by asking two questions: a). “If you continue this behavior, will it make our relationship better or worse?” b). “Do you want our relationship to get better or worse?”

“I” Statement Example “I have a problem.” “I have noticed that you argue with people when they ask you to quit (the problem behavior).” “It makes me feel bad when you do this because if you continue to act in this manner (the problem behavior), I must warn you, you won’t be able to earn all your points.” 4. If you continue (the problem behavior), will it make our relationship better or worse? Do you want our relationship to get better or worse?”

Conclusion People come into contact with conflict on a daily basis. Students can learn that conflict is not necessarily synonymous with anger or violence. Hopefully the various tools learned in this lesson will give you, the students, an array of options to handle conflict.