HANGING OUT WITHOUT HANG-UPS Date Rape Avoidance and Other Personal Safety Tips for Young Women

DESCRIBES Being alone One on One With group of people CAN BE WITH Good friends Acquaintances People you’re just meeting REASONS Nothing else to do Social mingling including parties Dating

You are more likely to be raped while on a date, at a party, a friend or relative’s house or at your own home by someone you know than you are to be targeted by a stranger.

A rape happens in the U.S. every two minutes. One out of every four women is likely to be attacked in her lifetime. Most rapes are actually carried out by someone whom the victim knows.

Acquaintance Rape (“Date Rape”) Sexual Harassment Sexual Assault Stranger Rape

 Unwanted verbal attention or physical contact  Motivated by victim’s gender or sexual orientation  Unwanted attention or contact occurs regularly and interferes with a person’s ability to work, study, or otherwise live life as she/he wishes

 Unwanted sexual contact, or contact without consent  May not involve sexual intercourse  Most commonly occurs between people who know each other  Mild force or verbal coercion often is involved

 Unwanted sexual intercourse or  Intercourse in which the victim does not give consent  Or cannot give consent (e.g. due to intoxication or influence of drugs)  Occurs between people who know each other  Mild force or verbal coercion often involved  Men can be victims too

 Same as acquaintance rape except that the victim/survivor does not know the perpetrator  ¼ as common as acquaintance rape

 FBI statistics indicate the 1 out of 3 women and 1 out of 10 men will be sexually assaulted during their life time  Rape crisis centers report that 60-80% of victims they assist have been assaulted by someone they know  9 out of 10 date rapes are not reported  1 in 2 college men admit to acts that meet legal definitions of rape. Yet few of these me identify themselves as rapists.

 Date rapes tend to take place on the 2 nd or 3 rd date, since many women tend to be more on guard on 1 st date  Most date rapes take place in the residence of the attacker or the victim  About 75% of the men and at least 55% of the women involved in date rapes had been drinking or using drugs right before the attack

 Young women  Women who are seen as passive and submissive  Women who keep company with aggressive males  Women participating in or around drinking and taking drugs  Women who are not watching for danger signals  Women who do not know what to do Female 1 st SemesterFreshman

 Following is an example scenario from both a woman and a man’s point of view.

I first met her at a party. She looked really hot, wearing a very short skirt with a tight T- shorts that showed off her great body. We started talking right away. I knew that she liked me by the way she was speaking. She seemed pretty relaxed so I asked her back to my place for a drink… when she said “yes’” I knew I was going to get lucky!

When we got to my place, we sat on the bed kissing. At first, everything was great. Then I started to lay her down on the bed, she started twisting and saying she didn’t want to. Most girls don’t appear too easy so I knew she was just going through the motions. When she stopped struggling I knew she would have to throw in some tears before we did it.

She was still very upset afterwards and I just don’t understand it! If she didn’t want to have sex, why did she come back to my room with me? You could tell by the way she dressed and acted that she was no virgin, so why she has to put up such a big struggle, I don’t know…

I first met him at a party. He was really goo looking and had a great smile. I wanted to meet him but wasn’t sure how. I didn’t want to appear too forward. Then he came over and introduced himself. We talked and found we had a lot in common. I really liked him. When he asked me over to his place for a drink I thought it would be OK. He was such a good listener, and I wanted him to ask me out again.

When we got to his room, the only place to sit was his bed. I didn’t want him to get the wrong idea but what else could I do? We talked for a while, and then he made his move. I was so startled. He started by kissing. I really liked him so the kissing was nice. But then he pushed me down on the bed. I tried to get up and I told him to stop. He was so much bigger and stronger. I got scared and I started to cry. I froze and he raped me.

It took only a couple of minutes and it was terrible, he was so rough. When it was over, he kept asking me what was wrong like he didn’t know. He had just forced himself on me and he thought that was OK. He drove me home and said he wanted to see me again. I’m afraid to see him. I never thought it would happen to me…

What Happened??!

 He thought she wanted to have sex and that she really didn’t mean “no”  There was alcohol involved  She didn’t want to have sex but was afraid to be more assertive with him

 He fell into old stereotypes concerning women and sex  No communication about intentions or limit setting by either party  He had unrealistic expectations about her non-verbal behavior

 Men and women may be living together for the first time  A lot of pressure on both sexes to perform and conform to stereotypical behaviors  Men are taught to be the aggressors and to score and conquer  Women are taught to be more passive and coy

 Both sexes may be confused about what they want sexually  May feel pressure to have sex when they come to college  But may not really want to have sex and have difficulty expressing that  A lot of unrealistic expectations put on a dating partner

 We are not taught how to express our sexual wants and needs to the opposite sex  Often results in a guessing game  Alcohol/drugs alter one’s ability to make sound decisions, cloud thinking, assess risk, and increase aggression

 Listen carefully: take time to hear what the woman is saying: If you’re unsure about her intentions or getting mixed messages, ask for clarification Don’t fall into the common stereotype that when a woman says no she really means yes NO means NO. If a woman says no to sexual contact, believe her and stop! If you don’t, THIS IS RAPE!

 Don’t make assumptions about a woman’s behavior Don’t assume she wants to have sex because she dressed provocatively, is drunk, or agrees to go to your room Don’t assume that because a woman had sex with you before means that she wants to have sex with you again

 Be aware that by having sex with someone who is unable to give consent (passed out, drugged, intoxicated), you may be guilty of rape

 Be extra careful in group situations Be prepared to resist pressure from friends to participate in violent or criminal acts Be extra careful in situations involving alcohol or drugs Interferes with you ability to assess situation, clouds your think and prevents you from communicating effectively

 Get involved If you see a woman being pressured at a party or a male friend using force, don’t be afraid to intervene You may prevent a sexual assault from happening

 Know your sexual intentions and limits You have the right to say no to any unwanted sexual contact Tell your partner what you want and what you don’t want If you are uncertain about what you want, ask the man to respect your feeling

 Communicate these limits firmly and directly. If you say “No,” say it like you mean it Don’t give mixed messages Back your words up with a firm tone of voice and clear body language Make sure your non-verbal messages are consistent with your verbal messages

 Don’t rely on “ESP” to get your message across. Don’t assume your date will automatically know how you feel or will eventually get the message It is your responsibility to communicate that message

 Remember that assertive and clear communication may not always work If that’s the case, do whatever is necessary to get out of the situation Don’t be afraid to make waves If you feel uncomfortable or think you may be at risk, leave the situation immediately and go to a safe place If you think you are being pressured into unwanted sex, you probably are

 If you do drink alcohol at a party, be especially careful not to put your drink down or let strangers/acquaintances refill your drink  Many drugs are available and spreading across the nation Rohipnol, roofies, R2, rib, rope, ruffies, GHB

TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS Non-verbals can send strong messages Communicate your limits and intentions If you feel uncomfortable or think you may be at risk, leave the situation immediately and go to a safe place If you think you are being pressured into unwanted sex, you probably are.

 Be alert and cautious  Agree to look out for each other  Recognize and get out of uncomfortable situations  Try to leave with a group, rather than with someone don’t know very well  Take action to defend Yourself if necessary

“It’s easier to stay out of trouble than to get out of trouble!” Mark Twain

 Emotional intimidation  Possessive  Bossy, controlling jealous  Isolates you from your friends and family  Abuses alcohol and or drugs  Pushes your physical boundaries  Is violent and angry  Harbors negative attitudes about women  Is scary, uses intimidation to make you do what he wants “Warning signs start kicking up even after the first date.”

If you or someone you know is a victim of date rape or stranger rape: IMMEDIATELY….. Go to a safe place Call someone you trust to be with you Call the police, campus police etc.. You can also call a rape crisis hotline You need to get HELP

 You should immediately get medical assistance  Have someone, police, friend etc. transport you to the hospital (they provide special services for rape victims)  Don’t shower or bathe after the attack and keep any physical evidence, such as clothing.

FREEZE PANIC RAGE R esist A nger G ive everything E cscape

 You have NO RIGHT to hurt me in any way.  I WILL do whatever it takes to defend myself! “If you are going to mess with me, it will be the hardest thing you will ever do”

 You may feel: