Chapter 6 Relationships

Relationship – a set of expectations two people have for their behavior based on the pattern of interaction between them Good relationship – interactions are satisfying to and healthy for those involved Abusive relationship – interactions are physically, mentally, or emotionally harmful

Functions of Relationships Interchanges form relationships. Communication is a way to “get things done” in the relationship The “thermometer” of a relationship; measures who is in control, how much partners trust each other, and the level of intimacy in the relationship

Describing Relationships Relationships vary in intensity Impersonal relationship – based on filling a role or satisfying an immediate need Personal relationship – people care about each other, share large amounts of information with each other, and meet each other’s interpersonal needs Voluntary vs. Involuntary Platonic vs. Romantic

Depth of Relationships people we know by name and talk with when the opportunity arises, but with whom our interactions are limited people with whom we have voluntarily negotiated more personal relationships those with whom we share a deep commitment, trust, interdependence, disclosure, and affection

Gender Differences Women develop close friendships through: Talking Disclosing personal history Sharing personal feelings Joint activities Doing favors for each other Successive tests of dependability

Dimensions of Relationships Interdependence Depth Breadth Commitment Understanding and Predictability Communication Coding Sharing Social Networks As dimensions increase, relationships develop; as they decrease, relationships deteriorate.

Johari Window Open Blind Secret (or Hidden) Unknown Known to self Not known to self Known to others Open Blind Not known to others Secret (or Hidden) Unknown V / V, ch.3

Social Penetration Theory Self-disclosure is integral to all stages of relationships, but changes over time. The nature and type of self-disclosure change as people become more intimate. When disclosure is reciprocated, the relationship becomes intimate. SEX WORK FAMILY

Social Penetration Stages Orientation Stage — Also known as the “small talk” or “first impression” stage. Communicators become acquainted by observing mannerisms and personal dress and by exchanging non-intimate information about themselves. Interaction adheres to social norms. Exploratory Affective Stage — Communicators begin to reveal more about themselves, such as their opinions concerning politics and sports teams. Deeply personal information is withheld. Casual friendships develop at this stage, and most relationships stay at this level. http://www.communicationstudies.com/communication-theories/social-penetration-theory

Social Penetration Stages Affective Stage — Communicators begin to disclose personal and private matters. Personal ways of speaking, such as using idioms or unconventional language, is allowed to come through. Communicators feel comfortable enough to argue or criticize each other. Romantic relationships develop at this stage. Stable Stage — Communicators share a relationship in which disclosure is open and comfortable. They can predict how the other person will react to certain types of information. Depenetration — Occurs when one or both communicators perceive that the cost of self-disclosure outweighs its benefits. Communicators withdraw from self-disclosure, thus ending the relationship. http://www.communicationstudies.com/communication-theories/social- penetration-theory

General Tenets of Reward Theories of Relationships We exert effort (costs) to enter and maintain relationships The “costs” of those efforts are weighed against the perceived benefits of the relationship. When the perceived costs outweigh the benefits we give up. Predicted Outcome Value Theory Social Exchange Theory Equity Theory

Self-Disclosure Guidelines Disclose information that you want others to disclose to you. Disclose information appropriate for the type of relationship. Disclose intimate information only when it represents an acceptable risk. Be sensitive to your partner’s ability to absorb your disclosure. Reserve intimate or very personal disclosures for ongoing relationships. Continue intimate self-disclosure only when it is reciprocated.

Changing Relationships Relationships move through identifiable stages. Turning points: Events that mark a transition from one stage to another Could lead to greater intimacy-or conversely-to relationship deterioration They can happen in any stage of a relationship

Relationship Stages for Friendships and Romantic Relationships Beginning LUST TRUST RUST DUST Developing Turning Points Sustaining Declining Exiting Reaffirming

Beginning Relationships During the first stage of a relationship, communication focuses on: Increasing knowledge of the other Reducing uncertainty Increasing interaction Coupling (BBC): The Pause Coupling (BBC): Naked

Predicted Outcome Value Theory Early in the relationship, we gather information to predict whether the benefits of future interactions will outweigh the costs. 3 stages of beginning relationships: Entry Phase Personal Phase Exit Phase

Developing Relationships Increasing disclosure Keeping a relationship at a particular level of closeness or intimacy Frequent communication Emerging interdependence

Interpersonal Needs Theory Relationship continuance depends on how well each person meets the interpersonal needs of the other. Three basic interpersonal needs: Affection Inclusion Control

Social Exchange Theory Relationships understood in terms of exchange of rewards and costs during interactions Cost/Reward ratio Rewards – needs met Costs – time and energy spent developing relationship Relationships develop and are sustained when partners choose to meet each other’s needs. * We also compare the alternatives before ending relationships.

Sustaining Relationships Use pro-social behaviors. Observe ceremonial occasions. Spend time together as a couple and with mutual friends. Communicate frequently. Words and actions reassure continuing affection, discretion, trustworthiness. Share tasks.

Relational Dialectics Theory All relationships are fraught with tensions These tensions pull us in different ways and towards different goals Dialectic tensions are contradictions, which means that focusing on one side of a tension means ignoring the other side of the same tension. People must manage their own desires within a relationship (tensions) with that of the others Tensions can be internal to a relationship and external to it as well People must manage multiple relationships Couples must manage their internal dialectics with their partners AND with those outside the relationship.

Relational Dialectics Theory There are thousands of tensions that may need to be managed. Baxter and Montgomery Focus on Three Internal Autonomy and connection Openness and Closedness Novelty and Prediction The three similar external tensions include Inclusion and Seclusion Revelation and Concealment (Public vs. Private) Conventionality and uniqueness Very Good Lecture on Relational Dialectics Example of Tension at Play in the Show Friends

Rawlins: Dialectics of Friendships freedom to be independent and the freedom to be dependent affection and instrumentality judgment and acceptance expressiveness and protectiveness.

I need my own space. I want to be close. Dialectic Tensions Autonomy/Connection I need my own space. I want to be close. Openness/Closedness I like sharing so There are some much with you. things I don’t want to talk about. Novelty/Predictability We need to do I like the familiar something new. activities we share.

Managing Dialectical Tensions Temporal selection - Choosing one side and ignoring the other for a period of time. Topical segmentation - Choosing certain areas to satisfy one side of a dialectic tension and another area for the other side. Neutralization – Striking a compromise so that neither person gets their needs partially met. Reframing – Changing perceptions about the tension to no longer think of it as contradictory.

Declining Relationships The communication in declining relationships is marked by three stages: Recognition of dissatisfaction Process of repairing or disengaging from relationship Ending Steve and Jane Break Up in Coupling Steve and Susan Break Up in Coupling

Relationship Termination Strategies Manipulation/Withdrawal/Avoidance – blaming others, or indirectly failing to take responsibility for ending the relationship (-) Direct/Open/Honest – clearly, respectfully communicating desire to end relationship, sensitive to resulting emotions (+) Relationship Transformation – continuing the relationship on different terms (+)

Self-Disclosure Online Lack of social cues produces ineffective self-disclosure and miscommunication. Media Richness Theory: Richer media provide more social cues to reproduce the intended meaning of the message. Posters Letters Email Texting Facebook Telephone Skype Face-to-Face Lean Rich