1. copyright, edyoung, PhD, 3-1999 10 PART XVIII Section 2. IDENTITY EARLY INFLUENCES ON ITS FORMATION

2. copyright, edyoung, PhD, 3-1999 11 In the early years, and over time, everything the parent says, the tone it is said with, everything the parent does to the child, every reaction, and their manner of reacting, all these things get built into the child’s brain as the ubiquitous implicit other and as the way parents, people, and the universe regard and will react to the child’s behavior. But, even more important, even what the child feels and thinks and wants and intends, inside its head, without even having to be expressed, is transformed to complement and satisfy its implicit others. Naturally, this characteristic of the Implicit other defines the child’s self, gives the child its initial and lasting self concept, and determines its mode of being in the world. MOM INFANT / CHILD Be careful its dangerous You are so special That’s naughty You are so aggravating They are no good, stay away from them You are mean Just stay out of my way and don’t be any trouble Don’t even come home unless you make an A+ Damn, can’t you do anything right!? If I catch you even looking like you are going to do that again, I’m going to beat you till you are a bloody mess! Poor baby, how can Mommy make you feel better? Building In The Implicit Other

3. copyright, edyoung, PhD, 3-1999 12 Things the Parent Says to the Child Begin to Be Built Into the Child As Its Self Definition and Becomes a Major Controlling Factor Over Its Behavior. This Is One Way the Implicit Others Are Built, Without Awareness, Into the Self. I have learned that this is who I am! I am weak and dependent and need sympathy and indulgence. I can mess up, but I am never supposed to make a mistake, I’d better be very careful. Just because I am me I am unique and special and important, better than others. I am too good to associate with certain groups, they might harm me or rub off on me. Even though I am someone special just for being me, I could lose that if I don’t perform perfectly. Life is dangerous and I had better not take risks. I had better find out what all the taboo things in life are and make sure I don’t get rejected. I am a klutz, I’d better not try anything that I am not perfect at already, I don’t want to look like a klutz. Even though I’m special, I’m a nuisance and not liked. If I am not or don’t do things just the way someone else wants it to be, I won’t be loved. When I don’t yield to someone else’s wishes, I am mean and bad. TEEN THINGS THE PARENT SAID TO THE CHILD You are so special That’s naughty Damn, can’t you do anything right!? You are so aggravating You are mean Be careful its dangerous Don’t even come home unless you make an A+ They are no good, stay away from them Just stay out of my way and don’t be any trouble Poor baby, how can Mommy make you feel better? If I catch you even looking like you are going to do that again, I’m going to beat you till you are a bloody mess!

4. copyright, edyoung, PhD, 3-1999 13 Passage of Dysfunctional Family Traits Down Generations: Pattern A –1 st Generation Trait> –2 nd Same> –3 rd Same > –4 th Same > P attern B –1 st Generation Trait> –2 nd Opposite> –3 rd Opposite [but Same As First].> –4 th Opposite > 1 st 2 nd 3 rd 4 th In pattern A, the same trait is passed down one generation after another. In pattern B, the 1 st generation has a type of trait, but the 2 nd has an opposite trait. The 3 rd has the same as the 1 st but opposite to the 2 nd. The 4 th is opposite to the 3 rd, but same as the 2 nd. And on and on alternating one generation after another. In most families there is a family culture. A part of this family culture is looking for and identification of traits of children as being similar to one of the parents or grandparents. This trait identification or labeling becomes a part of the process of shaping the child’s identity. Whether positive or negative the child may incorporate the label and then try to act consistent with that label. This process insures that traits and identities are passed down through generations either by Pattern A or Pattern B. In essence, some aspects of identity are generationally predestined.

5. copyright, edyoung, PhD, 3-1999 14 The Contest Between Identity and Self-concept Throughout the Stages of Life. Early Childhood:Middles Childhood:Adolescence:Early Adulthood: Identity Assignedbegins developingSelf-conceptInstitutional Self-conceptchallengesIdentity absorbs IdentitySelf-concept Identity is a compromise between the needs of the family and group and demonstrated behavior of the person. Identity is attributed to the person and becomes situation or group specific. Roles are a medium by which the family and group impose an identity onto a person and shape conformity to an identity. Self-concept is a compromise between the needs and demonstrated behavior of the person and attributions from the family and group. There is contest for dominance between identity and self concept throughout the stages of life, often causing inner confusion and distress.

6. copyright, edyoung, PhD, 3-1999 15 In Order to Promote a Child’s Acquisition of a Positive Identity, Parents Focus on the Child’s Own Processes of Development Rather Than the Parents’ Expectations. Critical Positive Personal Identity Concepts: – I am acceptable. – I am capable. – I am responsible. – I am worthy of trust. – I am open, honest, transparent. Early parenting involves allowing the child to develop in accord with its own current capacity at each level of development, without imposing expectations beyond or below the child’s actual level of development. Early parenting involves providing and permitting situations in which the child’s idea of itself can develop naturally rather than defining for the child what the parents think it should be or requiring what the parent wants it to be. Early Parenting involves coaching rather than demanding. Early parenting involves pointing out to the child factors in the situation or child’s lack of knowledge rather than blaming or attributing ill will or deficient capacity to the child when the child falls short of its goal. Early parenting involves focusing on and accepting the child’s own attempts at mastery and maturation rather than imposing their own standards or approving and disapproving the child as a person. Early parenting involves providing stage appropriate communication skills and then listening as the child practices to gain mastery appropriate to its level of development. Early parenting involves providing stage appropriate behavioral skills and then watching as the child practices to gain mastery appropriate to its level of development. The parent’s goal for their child is for the child to naturally develop a positive identity that evolves naturally with each stage of development. Critical Positive Social Identity Concepts: – I belong. – I deserve to be treated fairly and with respect. – I am socially skillful and considerate. – My opinions, beliefs, perspectives matter.

7. copyright, edyoung, PhD, 3-1999 16 A Prototype Identity Is Set During the Earliest Years of a Modern Human Life. There Are Three Dominant Influences Shaping This Identity. 1. The first dominant influence shaping identity is the immediate family. As the child is taught and learns language in the natural transactions of each day, some of that language is directed to the child’s behavior and the child naively learns to attach that language to the designated behavior and then to the itself as a whole as an object. 2. As the child grows older and more proficient with language, the extended family and prior generations identify the child as a whole, or prominent its behaviors, with one or more persons in the family, thus increasing the communal nature of the child’s identity. Identity attributions then become a way of steering the child away from and toward directions preferred by family members. A form of manipulation, if you will. Eventually the child may become sophisticated enough to distinguish inconsistencies between attributions made by different family members and at different times and therefore come to believe that its identity is not unambiguous, unchanging, unalterable, nor unanimous. 3. At the same time, with growing language proficiency, the child’s own perspective on its self becomes more differentiated and it gains a sense of options as to whether it wants to be perceived as or to be any particular attribution. It has some control over identity and does not necessarily have to make its behavior conform to all of the attributions of the immediate family. It can object and oppose with respect to who it is or what it will become. When the family realizes that it does not have absolute control over the child’s behavior and identity, they also realize that the child has an independent will. Family can take one of two positions with respect to the relation between the child’s will and its identity. They can try to bring the child’s will into submission by increasingly complex strategies that forge the child into conformity with the desired identity or they can decide to assist the child in gaining proficiency at carving out its own identity and guiding its own behavior toward self enhancement and strength. Return to Section Table of Contents